I wish I could read people, so I wont treat them wrong by false judgement.
I wish I could read people, so I wont get hurt when bad judgement happens.
Always wonder if I should trust people easily.
Couldn't get an answer, but keep losing myself.
Hopefully I could find my answer one of these days.

I am back, through a storm liked nerving contraction period. I have lost some of my brain Neurons, I suppose, I thought I never can replace the damaged one, just started panic. but thought just being a very daft person bearing a vain question mark inside! Boring me!!!

I have survived from all my relationships, feel very very relaxing now just don't want to mess me around again, don't want to foul around with guys any more, believe me or not, you don't know me, so you cannot judge, it is like my mood now at the moment! Not everything can be predict, but some can do, so do grasp them tightly, and being strong being a relax person, being a happy one future is in your pocket, just a little world if you can understand them thoroughly, I don't know what I am talking about now, it is just like me always, sometimes I don't know the direction, but I will follow my instinct do whatever I feel like I should be doing that is just me, maybe you think I am a wacky person, everyone has their crazy side, that makes them being a individual being a different you have sweet dreams. I think I am just babbling here..

All I wanna be is an angel.
Falling in love with you,
So I could see myself in the sky.

With the angel's heart,
I feel the love you gave.
With the angel's eyes,
I see your passion of love.
With the angel's wings,
Distances mean nothing.
Since I could fly over,
and holding your hand saying
I love you.

I wanna kiss your lips and hear your voices.
Let the fire burn within us,
So I could strengthen my wings.
Let me enjoy the fly.

All I wanna be is an angel.
So I could keep your heart and hear you saying how much you love me.

I love you!

I need a devil in my heart,
So I could treat you bad.
I need a devil in my mind,
So we could make a pair.

I wanna be the devil.
I wanna be like you.
Treating you back the same way you treated me.
Ignoring me, leaving me, and dumping me.

I wanna be the devil.
I wanna be like you.
Making you love me the same way I loved you.
Caring me, needing me, and wanting me.

Once you fall into me, I will
Ignore you, leave you, and dump you.

Last night was like a dream to me. Electricity was cut off and we stayed in the dark. I sat by the window with no sound around me. I felt like I was locked in a room and the freezing air would somehow got me frozen. I looked at the outside world through the window. I couldn't touch anything. I couldn't reach out for what I wanted. I was forgotten, in a dark corner of the world. It was so unreal. Everything was weird. I received strange emails. I was in the bed like a fish in an pan with hot oil. I got little sleep. Everything was so confused. Even if I misunderstood something, there must be something that I understand extremely well. I'm just not brave enough to make a decision. I don't wanna risk loss. I don't wanna hurting anyone. I would rather choose to hurt myself. Goodness. May me gather enough courage, to go on my crazy life.

I hate it when I find myself depending on someone else. I would rather be independent but I just can't be like that all the time. I'm no more than a girl. I need protection as well. Sometimes I'm not so strong as I appear to be. NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS. I gotta make a mature decision and take all the consequences. I'm already 26 years old, going to 27 later (top secret:) and I gotta figure out what I really need. I cannot be bound. Nat means freedom. I know I do not have to be brave all the time. I let off myself when I feel weak and want to lean on a shoulder.

Please, please be by my side.

Take me home, please. I like this title best. I don't know why. Suddenly I want somebody to take me home. Just be by my side.

Yesterday, I met a old friend on MSN, we used to be classmates on higher math class, I still wonder the math finally he beat me up is because of our stereotyped math lecturer always has the general concept of man should do well on it, or whatever the reasons, I still cannot believe he is one point beyond me... that is so unbearable...

we are good friends, really good friends, he said i am such a big burden to him...that is true... really true... because I used to pop into his department no matter the day or night...no matter whether he is busy or not, not matter he is awake or still in sleep, i would wake him up using a vulnerable voice say... sorry... could i borrow this... could i borrow that? and then laugh loud at his pyjamas afterwards... he is always keeping his patient on me... I still enjoy annoying him the most of the time...I just felt like he is such a good friend...

He brought our topic to relationships, I told him to stay away from it, he said if I have been hurt before, I said NO, I don't know why i said that... but i did... He is really serious this time... talking about relatioships to me...

he is totally a layman... haven't been through any relationships with anyone so far, he is like a white paper, sometimes you want to tell him love can be really nice but if it goes wrong it's like drugs it makes you sick...very sick... I was trying to draw some colorful lines on that paper, but i have to give him the boundary.

Be honest! I don't want him to go into relationships, I think that is because I am selfish, i wanted to keep all my friends alone with me, it is not nice... I know i know... I asked him with half joking tone... Are you on date or something? I can give you some tips then...hehe...I clicked a big smile face on the chat window...

He said....no..no...no...
He started typing...

I felt there is something wrong...

I quickly typed: we are always good friends aren't we? still followed a big smiling face... (sounds nature)...

I can see from my chat window, he stopped... and then after a few seconds he began to type again, this time it was displayed on my screen..... ' yes' he said. I knew he had deleted soemthing, what he typed before? I never gotta to know, I don't want to know, I know I shouldn't hide it any longer... I know he has some feelings for me, but I am just afraid of being lost everything again if relationships didn't work out I would lost friendship as well, I don't want that happen again... I just want friendship...

I am just afraid............................


I just wish the next time I see him he will still tolerate me for being such a annoying person, I wish he will say to me another time, you are really my burden...
I want to be your burden always...always...

love you dearly

c e r t a i n l y...
the world is never perfect....

for this reason . . .
we used to be sad...
we used to be upset...
we used to be depressed...

but finally...
i have learnt...
and
just never mind ...

at least ..
i see no one is perfect in the world....

ok fine...
what i desire to do...
is to learn to be optimistic
and that's all for now...

I guess everybody still learning to love someone and how to manage the journey to fall in love. Perhaps some still roaming around still looking for the right one to be with, included myself. I wander why people having so many ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, I wander how they make it? They never feel suffer each time broke with someone? How they manage to be easy going type of human?

I just met someone once, I think I really serious that time but never know love is so short, it come to the end very soon without giving me any sign. May be to a little girl like me that is love, to him that isn't called love that is just emotionally happen and it never exists at all.

Until today I still didn't know what kind of relationship is that ? Who am I pastime? Thinking back of it, I really laugh at myself for being such a fool .........but still having enjoyable time from that :"weird relationship."
However, I am glad I learnt from the lesson and knowing myself better hence manage to love someone better in future. Of course, I wont say thankful, I also don't wish taking this lesson but that is life......so what can I do?. Thing that have been given how can we retrieve especially in love.
Heart that have been hurt need time to heal, it wont be a month a week or even a year. I don't really know but some of them take almost few year although they already have another girl-friend/boy-friend in their currently life but the scar still there. For sure we cant say 1 love in the rest of our life, that is a bit impossible because nowadays time make people change.
We wont know what he/she will be later. For those easy going, they can handle it easily. If we can predict everything in love, I think nobody wants to learn the painful lesson. Love is something that really risky because it might bring affect to previous life.

I am someone that pessimistic and I admit I m not someone that easy going. I worry too many thing ,may be friends feel I am too much all the times. I still remember a very close friend of mine tell me a story when I feel very down. She tell me once a guy fall into the sea, he cant swim but by that moment he so lucky he found a broken wood which float in the deep blue sea. He hugging the wood and manage survive sometime until he found the coast one day. He so happy and finally he landed. He let go the floated wood. He never realized the wood cry after he left. The wood back into its life float in sea and sink in the end.

I was really touched after listening to her story. She cry and hugging me when she finish her story. I feel I am lucky . I realize that actually everyone just seek for the feel of secure, everybody scare of being lonely...........but that just what I wander .....a lot thing I wander ....a lot question mark in my thinking actually. But too bad why I never wasting time wander how to become a rich gal? achieve goal in my work? haha what an useless female I am? haha ........

Ever since I learnt how to surf net and chatting, I learnt all kind of experience from my net friends. They are the one inspire me to learnt how to use photoshop doing drawing, giving me encouragement and share my happiness. I used to draw by mouse but very surprise my net friend give me a digital pad that really make me draw easily. I will remember it all the times. For those I have met up, they really bring me joy. Almost all my closer net friend will have a song in my mind. When certain song were played, it will remind me of that friend. For those friends that still by my side whenever I need them, " Thanks for console me. Thanks for laughing and crying with me.

A lot people love chatting in net and some even still seek for net love. For me, that is a bit hard especially long distance net love. Although he/she have girl friend or boy friend but just like virtually exists. Whenever he/she in trouble you cant be with them. That is kind of torture for them. That's why long distance net love is something that might come easily but hard to maintain unless both really willing always spent all the time together whenever having holidays. just 1 word "Think twice! before want to take this challenge! er.......a lot friends ask me:"nat, will it be your choice?"

I will just answer:" If can avoid I' ll try my best to prevent have this kind of relationship! hehehe, although I online frequently in mid night."