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You are right, it's not that i can't recover, not no one can't, it's that I'm not letting myself to. I believe there's hope, i believe deep inside of his heart, there's a place for me (and also for x other women). I must realize that no matter what happens to me, to anything in the world, the earth keeps revolving, the sun still goes up and down, what's happened has passed but they do still exist, in same places, different time space, I try to figure out where they are, try to catch the substance, then i wake up realizing it's just a dream. .....just a drea....m.........d .r e .a .m.

I must be drunk now, i have no idea what i am writing and where i am getting at, i just kept my flow going. I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I wanna go travelling, I wanna go swimming , I wanna go Shushi King.............

Well life is still beautiful, Nat now looking for a piece moment, going to sleep.



My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....


If there were no men..........................
i wudn't be obssessed,
i wudn't be hurt,
he wudn't be able to still hurt me easily,
turning my life,
my mood upside down just in a blink of eyes.
Don't feel offended by the subject,
it doesn't imply to all men, friends don't count.........