cOllaPsed

My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....