Got up very early this morning but didn't sleep very well last night either, perhaps from anxiety to what my new life will be today. Strangely enough, I wasn't tired at all. As said, maybe I was overwhelmed by the fact that my anticipation was becoming a reality. Indeed, this waiting has fuelled much of my patience but I know this is going to be a turning point in my life. Yes, I'm on another stage now.
Today was warm and sunny, not bad for a start in August. Right. I'm all on my own now. The beginning of a new dawn in a momentous venture. ...
I didn't feel like eating today.Spending my weekend at home alone. Did some revisions on the CISCO and everything was pretty much in control. : ) I also tidied my room, did laundry and grocery in Tesco to keep myself busy. But still, loneliness seemed to be tagging along with me. : (
un-cer-tain-ty ( n-sûr tn-t )
1. The condition of being uncertain ; doubt.
2. Something uncertain : the uncertainties of modern life.
3. Statistics. The estimated amount or percentage by which an observed or calculated value may differ from the true value.
That's such an interesting word for me right now ... people asked me if I know what's going on, what's happening, and am I happy. In a way I do but then again I don't know. I'm dealing with it one day at a time. I guess as long as I'm ok or happy with it, then nothing should matter, right? I mean the feelings are there but I feel like it's just there. Not knowing how to express them, show them or act towards it. I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. Am I that complicated? Always trying to figure out the unknown. Always puzzling myself and making simple things complicated in which I deny in doing. I tell myself I like things plain and simple and yet I go ahead and make things complicated for myself. Always thinking about things. I guess sometime I just can't help it. My mind wanders aimlessly about things, everything. But I bet everybody does that anyway. Just hoping for things to be clear and better translated.
And then there goes about the more you know or find out, the more it hurts. Well the way I put it, it's not a pain kind of hurt but rather than a bothersome kind of hurt. The kind of feeling that can bother you and make you think even some more. The kind of feeling that makes you wonder about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that makes you think twice about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that reveals the intentions of others. The kind of feeling that lingers on until you can take no more but put it behind you with some comfort from yourself. You tell yourself to just stop it and think no more. Because when you do find out the truth, can you handle it? Therefore just let it go.
Everybody's all about having fun regardless of anything. Freedom is what was given to us all. We go out, do the things we do, go to the places we go, say the things we say, and see the people we see, that can be incredibly fun, but as long as we know where we wanna be then that's all it matters. At the end of the day, when you're laying on your bed, who's in your head? That's all it matters. The last thing you think about before you sleep speaks for what’s important to you. That's the only thing that matters. The only thing that matters no matter how much fun you have during the day.
Just had to get that off my mind ...
well how the heck did i get this subject come across my mind?
I tend to be transported when i am reading and my mind is just drifting all over the places. Maybe a song, a move or a sight, can easily draw my attention away from my book, such as right now this moment...
Have no idea what future holds, can't forward looking what is right in front of me, can't get a picture what's gonna be like a year away from today.
Everyone has a ultimate goal, and a spare one. What is mine? I'm so confused. My life has been so confused, so has my thoughts, my wants, and my dreams. The word "fickle" makes the best description for me.
When was the last time I really laugh, the kind of laughing that you throw your head away and hold your stomach becasue you laugh too hard. Laugh without worry, laugh truely....
What belief do i hold? what do i compromise to??
I haven?t been posting for some time! I just don?t know how to start and where to start!
I don?t know what the hell I was thinking yesterday, I went out with him but really i did't want to, I knew he?d attempted to move our friendship further close! I just don?t have the feeling for him?for more obvious say I don?t want to have intimate relationship. I am still in healing period I suppose. I am quite moody and frenzy at the moment?yeah?just need a little bit self-control?yeah?
I will be fine?
You are right, it's not that i can't recover, not no one can't, it's that I'm not letting myself to. I believe there's hope, i believe deep inside of his heart, there's a place for me (and also for x other women). I must realize that no matter what happens to me, to anything in the world, the earth keeps revolving, the sun still goes up and down, what's happened has passed but they do still exist, in same places, different time space, I try to figure out where they are, try to catch the substance, then i wake up realizing it's just a dream. .....just a drea....m.........d .r e .a .m.
I must be drunk now, i have no idea what i am writing and where i am getting at, i just kept my flow going. I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I wanna go travelling, I wanna go swimming , I wanna go Shushi King.............
Well life is still beautiful, Nat now looking for a piece moment, going to sleep.
zzzZZZZZ
My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....
If there were no men..........................
i wudn't be obssessed,
i wudn't be hurt,
he wudn't be able to still hurt me easily,
turning my life,
my mood upside down just in a blink of eyes.
Don't feel offended by the subject,
it doesn't imply to all men, friends don't count.........
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you and everyone around you were smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in fact it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love. But, it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Is it possible to change a person?
Or is it possible for a person to change coz of someone?
At first, I thought if someone loves you very much, s/he would accept who you are. There is no need for you to change or you do not need to change becoz of her/him.
Then, I thought if you really do love someone, you would not mind to change things for her/him. So there is a possibility of changing.
After a while, I thought the most important thing is not about if a person has changed or what. It is about whether the person you care is willing to change for you or not.
I never expected that someone would change for me or I would change for someone. However, as time goes by, without telling others to change, and you realized that the one next to you is different than the one you first knew, in a better way. This is one of the happiest feelings.
For the moment, watching in the mirror, a me?of course?I cannot live like this any more?you know for the last 2 years staying here in KL, I don’t feel I have been changing to any better but getting worse?I really have to do something now?for the wasted 2 years, I feel bit regret?but for this time, regret cannot bring anything back?just start now?you are very young it is never late?
Applauds for myself giving a announcement to upgrade myself now?YEAH!!!!!!! Upgrade myself...
How many people had blind dates? I guess not too many. At least most of my friends didn't.
I used to think I am still too young to have a blind date. But, obviously not for my parents.
They decide to introduce me their friend's son in Singapore.
Frankly, I am not interested in it. I wonder how can I love a guy whom I have never seen and how can we keep long-distance relationship. The situation is: I am in the Malaysia, he is in Singapore, and we never met before.
However, my mom said, "He is very smart, tall, never had a girlfriend (for my mom it means he is not a playboy, my innocent mom :), is going to US to get a PhD." Suddenly, I am curious that what my mom's friend would describe me to her son.
She might say, "Not pretty not ugly, MIT, not stupid, can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin,Hakka, simple family." What else??
The more I think, the more sad I feel. Not only feel sorry for myself, but also for the guy. We are just like 2 pigs, waiting for being weighted. As long as we are almost equally weighted, the deal is done!
The situation is like this: The guy--PhD (+5), tall (+5). Me-- good girl (+5), MIT (+5). Both sides are over 70 out of 100, so they should see each other!
Yeah, people are getting more and more realistic in this modern society. If a guy and a girl have similar family background, knowledge (people call it "degree"), social status, age, then they are put together. Who cares who loves whom? What is love? Love lasts forever? You're too young to know life. Love is the most useless thing in life.
How sad!
However, I also envy those people because they can easily live happily. What I want is "spiritual communication", not just find one guy to spend life with. How greedy I am! Unfortunately, I don't think a guy in blind date would understand me.
Do I know what kind of book he likes to read? Does he know what kind of music I like to listening to? If I cannot appreciate his humor, he must feel bored. If he cannot appreciate my interest (writing), I must feel lonely. Many people may think I am so immature that I care about these trifles. However, it's very important for me.
I don't want to give up my "childishness" after married. I still want to laugh, sing, think, find out the beauty of world. If he doesn't have "spirit", I would be very painful. Frankly, if a girl looks for money or stable life from marriage, her dream usually may come true. However, if a girl searches for "untouchable" spirit communication, she may have to wait until die. The reason is very simple-- how many girls are loved because of their soul?
I am such a weird person that my only choice is the later. Therefore, I don't have any expectation to blind dates. What my parents want is to see I'll have a stable life. However, they didn't consider what I want.
No matter I like it or not, the truth is I also become one of those pigs waiting for being weighted.
No one would ask a pig, "Do you want to be put in the market?" The pig is poor. I know as long as a blind date starts, many other blind dates come. It wouldn't stop until the "equal-weight" deal is done or until the pig is too old for the market.
Anyway, I didn't say "no" to my parents. This is the 3rd time they have the enthusiasm to introduce a guy to me.
A guy has a blind date because he is too busy and has no chance to meet girls. A girl promises a blind date because her heart is broken and she is already tired.
Don't you think so?
When I was in hometown, I enjoyed reading, writing, studying, and fortune-telling. Life seemed to be so happy and time passed soon. However, when I am alone here, things are different...
Last night I went to a Japanese restaurant to have late dinner at 9:30PM (I finished my work at 9PM). There were many young guys getting together in front of that restaurant. I know it's kinda dangerous to go out alone in the midnight, but what I can do? I was so hungry that I had to behave brave though I was afraid actually.
After entering the restaurant, the waiter asked me "how many people?" I said, "One." "Only one?" he seemed to be surprised by my answer. I was embarrassed, again.
Yeah, I have every dinner alone. Every time waiters would say "only one" with question marks. Hee, they don't know I not only eat alone but also travel alone because... I have no choice!
In fact, I don't like people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. Most of new friends don't believe that I don't have a boyfriend... that really bothers me. I hate explaining my background again and again. Their curiosity lets me feel "guilty" for having no boyfriend.
I used to enjoying being alone, but not anymore. There are four poor reasons: First of all, in the KL, as a little girl alone here, I have to pretend strong and smart to deal with every event which I never face before. Second, get embarrassed when I go to restaurant or join a tour. Third, feel uncomfortable to answer new friends' questions. Fourth, have to make it clear that I'm not a picky girl but just have no chance.
It's weird... Why people think a young girl should have a boyfriend? Why I cannot have dinner alone? (hee hee, now I only choose those restaurants whose waiters don't ask me with "question mark" :)
It's more weird that I also start hating being alone...
No man/woman is worth your tears,
and the one who is won't make you cry.
Just because some one doesn't love you the way you want them to,
Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
They say love hides behind every corner,
then I must be walkingin circles.
A ture friend is someone who reaches for your hand
and touches your heart.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you cannot have them.
Never frown, even when you are sad,
because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world
Don't waste your time on a guy/girl,
why isn't willing to waste their time on you
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one.
so that when we finally meet that person
we will know how to be grateful.
There is always going to be people that hurt you
so what you have to do is keep in trusting
and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
make yourself a better person and know who you are
before you try to know someone else
and expect them to know you.
I thought I made a wise decision, but i'm afraid it wasn't wise enough to stop this bad feeling haunting me. I thought everything would be back in order in no time, but the fact is, there is something bothering me, and why/what is that? what does that feel when plans don't work as you expected? what does that feel when the situation is going out of your control?
Why is that in this logical world things don't work the way they should be? Shouldn't there be a logical pattern that we could follow when we get lost? shouldn't there be an ultimate solution that we always could count on when we go into astray? Is there anything absolute that we could rely on?
When it looks so obvious that things don't work out, two people don't mesh, we are still willing to give a shot until we're crashed and burned. There is always a sign for that a precaution would prevent such things from happening and eventually resulting to a no-one-gets-hurt situation, but we always assume that we are capable of taking an adventure, chances are, 50% and 50%. However, if the winning 50% doesn't seem to be on your side, be prepared for a serious impact which might take just as long as it takes to get over.
Why is it made sound like a catastrophe?? The world is still running, sun comes up and down just as the way it was, except that you are not feeling the same anymore, not for as long as it takes.
Too many shockin' things are happening to ppl around me. First it was Lim accident and now his friend, Darren was beaten to death in Hartamas a few days ago. Darren's death saddened me beyond words. Although i do not personally know him, i was introduced to him once thru....can't remember who, butta it was around Coffeebean, it is still hard for me to accept. I was abit blur when Lim told me bout' the death of his friend, (jacey tot it was Obi) but after seeing his picture in every newspaper, i sorta recall how he really look like. Life is short, so short that you'll never know when it's your turn to die.
All the poor guy did is comin' back to his-so-called-country, 'M'sia' for a bloddy holiday. I mean, although noone really knew what actually happened that night BUT those pig brain ppl better pay for what they have done.I know the life of those brainless ppl won't bring Darren back....but each of those ppl should be thrown out into the streets for the public to wack the shit out of them....before hanging them to death. Those ppls shouldn't just be in prison for 10-15 yrs and then set them free....& giving them 'second chance'. They shud all be killed! Also, I'm so frustrated with the people in Uncle Don's..... I mean, if only a group of considerate ppl were to stand up and help or at least try to stop them, it wouldnt have to cost a life. If only ppl were considerate enuff & not be so selfish. Instead of being a spectator & say "they were too violent, we were afraid" ? Scared ar? Diuz! I forgot.....'who hangs out in Uncle Don??? u know, i know, can adi, no need for me to mention it here. Why would "they" even help?' *slaps myself hard on the head*
Lim went for Darren's funeral & i can see that he was really stoned & it really hit him HARD that he lost 2 close ones on the same day. His friend & his cousin sis who suffered from cancer. One thing after another. I pray that Darren is now safe in the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ & the Lord will protect him and that he will lead a better life in heaven. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Everything is planned, we can't escape god plans can we?
A call from Singapore.
Warm up my heart, through the phone, from distance.
Without give me any favor,
Without candy and candle,
Comfort me by deep voice with care.
It cures me from very low and gray situation.
Rather than rich, I do need friendship come up to me whenever I am poor.
It was just a song, a dream, that hit the deepest of my soul, brought out my inspiration, making me wonder, how a stimulating and vigorous person like me, could have ended up withering and stagnant, who used to be straighforward and now hardly find her tongue and takes her stand, who finds herself holding on to things.
When it comes to emotional intelligence ( EQ so to speak, the concept that complements traditional beliefs that personality is defined only as IQ, the other side of the brain which practices thinking intelligence), it is determined that high EQ personality is more self-motivated, knowing and controlling his/her own emotions, recognizing and being ablt to control others' emotions (empathy).
It is interesting to observing people and to studying personality, the combination of stable physical and mental characteristics that make up an individual's identity and give consistency to a person's behavior. However, it's judgemental that the formed personality can't be any significant transformation. Faith, inspirations, stimulations are critical elements that bring a personality to the next stage.
I think i'm too carried away here, i should at least address my subject. it's actually the title of a song from the movie "Moulin Rouge". When the lyrics flow, there was this pure inspiration coming out from the deep of my heart, like a swollen balloon, filled with excitement and energy, bringing my spirit to the mountain top.
it's just a feeling, feeling alive, feeling good, feeling bright, feeling hopeful.
I wish I could read people, so I wont treat them wrong by false judgement.
I wish I could read people, so I wont get hurt when bad judgement happens.
Always wonder if I should trust people easily.
Couldn't get an answer, but keep losing myself.
Hopefully I could find my answer one of these days.
I am back, through a storm liked nerving contraction period. I have lost some of my brain Neurons, I suppose, I thought I never can replace the damaged one, just started panic. but thought just being a very daft person bearing a vain question mark inside! Boring me!!!
I have survived from all my relationships, feel very very relaxing now just don't want to mess me around again, don't want to foul around with guys any more, believe me or not, you don't know me, so you cannot judge, it is like my mood now at the moment! Not everything can be predict, but some can do, so do grasp them tightly, and being strong being a relax person, being a happy one future is in your pocket, just a little world if you can understand them thoroughly, I don't know what I am talking about now, it is just like me always, sometimes I don't know the direction, but I will follow my instinct do whatever I feel like I should be doing that is just me, maybe you think I am a wacky person, everyone has their crazy side, that makes them being a individual being a different you have sweet dreams. I think I am just babbling here..
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