张某带我去了一个密宗的佛堂学习佛法；生平第一次遇见了位来自尼泊尔的所谓的尊贵“活佛”，年纪比我还要轻，但是相貌却很自然流露出有智慧既又祥和的感觉，一举一动都会受人尊敬。

一开始我就一直不能理解张某所形容的活佛， 还提醒张某不要被“活佛”骗哦。（看————我确实对人超没信任感的:( ）， 有天我又要求张某带我一同去见见这个“活佛”看看他的葫芦里到底买什么膏药。

我一直抱着想要揭开这位活佛真面目的心态。
和活佛见面必须碰碰头以示顶礼，活佛很真诚地向我问好。一幅慈祥的笑容把我的距离感拉近了些。活佛的确能够看穿我在想些什么，但是活佛从不当众炫示自己的能力，但就是无意中我可以发现这位活佛的确知道我的过去而且知道我在想些什么。。 好奇怪。。

这是我的经验。
第一次和活佛见面，我心想这位所谓的活佛会不会是神棍呢？
活佛开始在台前讲佛经时， 我随着其他的信徒坐在前面听，其实我无法专心听教而且有点发呆，心里突发奇想，在心理念：“如果你真的可以read 我的mind 不妨举个手回应下啦。。。”　然后我索性在心里不断地念"活佛啊，你知道我在叫你吗？ 。。。你真的懂我在想什么吗？。。。”　原本整个佛堂充满着活佛演讲的声音，突然停顿了；活佛望着我举起了右手然后用标准英语问：“Yes ! I knew you... Are you calling me??!" 佛堂顿时变得一偏肃静；活佛一脸慈祥的样子续问“anything? if nothing we continue.... OK??"

我愣在一旁。。。。有点不好意思。。。 又心惊！
左想右想,这怎么可能。　我内心讲的话是华语。。。咧；甚至是客家话，活佛怎么听得明白。。活佛是来之尼泊尔，除了尼泊尔文就是讲英语（这位转世的佛活在国外大学受英文教益，所以来到马来西亚都是使用英语和信徒交流）。活佛演讲完毕和我擦身而过时用手轻轻敲了我得头壳一下然后俏皮地说“...dont't play play。。”

自此以后才逐渐相信了这位转世的活佛。。就这样我开始成为了这位转世活佛的徒弟；后而向GURU学习佛法。
(徒弟称活佛为"GURU" 即是老师的意思）

张某捂嘴得意笑问“怎么样？。。某个女人就快要成为张太了，心情怎么样。。?”
我忐忑的心又涌上心头“嘿。。。你等着瞧。。。”

不是开玩笑的我真的有恐婚的心态。结婚注册的日子愈逼近我越是没信心。往往有事没事去挑一些鸡毛小事要求张某延迟注册。

张某接着又说“你想做绕跑新娘啊？！” ————我没有回答 。
结婚不是应该开心的吗？但是我超级恐惧。。。很怕。。。。愈想愈怕，愈想愈忧郁。。

不懂什么时候开始我就变得越来越胆小，很怕事；变成了一个典型没有安全感的人。 驾车怕被别人的车子撞（张某有个同事的太太就是这样被罗里撞死。。我超记得这件事因为他太太发生车祸的日子是在情人节2月14日）。

看见黑漆漆的人就会联想到报纸报道女人被人性侵犯的新闻，想起就会发抖。。会联想到很多不好的事情发生；张某经常笑我排挤黑人。 见到警察也怕（怕被屈）。
唉～～！我的确越来越神经质。。

经张某介绍，我认识了一些塔罗牌师傅和心理系的朋友；俩者和我做了简单的观察的治疗说我因为过去的一些事情或者记忆的创伤让我变成这样的一个胆小鬼，建议我做做精神治疗看看是否可以找到过去什么事情造就现在的我。 治疗是做了，但是治疗师说什么都没看见因为我太过于封闭自己，治疗师完全开不到我的心轮。怎么办，我自己又学不会开心轮。于是，所谓的精神治疗就这样不了了之，没了下文。

忙過一天又一天
8月的第一个星期已近尾声
手头上的工作已经顺利完成

其实还有一个小时才下班，我突然空闲得有点茫。
打開视窗，想寫些東西
想讓這麼久的日子累積的思緒有個重整的機會
聽著音樂，卻發呆的盯著鍵盤
居然拼湊不成一個句子

从包包里拿起熟悉的日記簿
期待從當中得到文字開始的動力
看著紀錄生命的點滴
時而亮麗，時而灰暗
這一切的一切，都不過成了供自己玩味的回憶
對於過去，有些抱著悔恨，有些卻歡愉感謝
日记的左侧边有个小袋子夹着 你 写给我的一封信也是最后一封。
你离开以后我一直都戴在身边
遇见挫折的时候都会打开来看看
回忆当初的甜蜜感慨不已
我感謝曾經擁有的 不論得到什麼
我說服自己不要重蹈覆轍的後悔

毕竟不是每一样事情失去了能够要得回来
就像拍照那样，错过了的景点是无法重来的。

是該回家了
離開自己很久很久的自己
該回到自己的身邊了

為事工生活
為人際生活
為喜歡的人生活

忘了，自己離開自己好久好久...

◎图片人物 . 土拨鼠@coco
◎摄影师 . 张某 & Mintze

五月
天气很炎热
幸好有你们同在 我的人生旅途里才累计多了一篇难忘的回忆 :)

自签购婚纱配套以后，很多网友，朋友纷纷好心给了不同的意见和评论。
有者叫我要选谁选谁，有者告诉我哪个最好哪个很不好。有者甚至说我选错了婚纱店。。。不管怎么样很感激你们提供的资料。

我想自己是很幸运的，目前为此并没有遇上类似网友们说的倒霉事件。
我接触过的人都很专业也很热心，不管是摄影师，化妆师，录影师，门市小姐或先生，即使是帮忙拿道具指导我们摆pose的小助理们站在炎热的太阳底下都还是很耐心很nice的在指导和帮助新人....

以下这三个瓜可不是省油的灯；他们是专业的化妆师，化妆的时候态度超认真的，除了化妆一级棒之外,玩闹起来真的会笑爆灯。。

1,2,3... 来个五连拍：-

One是个大声公
只要是在化妆的凉亭里的范围内,不时会听见他的笑声;不然就是帮忙Alfred 喊失去踪影的新娘们就位准备拍摄.
November 就像个大孩子,开始和她讲话她会显得不好意思和小心翼翼的感觉,聊一聊后...气氛热闹了,她就活泼鬼马了.
One 和November 最鬼马搞怪的! 看看图片你就懂.
Doris 怎么摆样子就是有型,他的样子生俱来就是酷的.
张某说她有点像"鬼婆";因为鼻子高又挺的样子蛮特别的.

这两位很有性格的女人很鬼马又好玩，她们真的很nice 又细心。。:)
中间那个粉红公主就是gerumibear 啦!!
当天幸好有她在陪我, 因为其他的couples 我都不认识.

「ICQ上的妳，很不一樣。」

這是我們第一次交談，某個短暫的停頓後，你傳過來的訊息。而在我們真正陷入愛戀之後，你更訝異於我的表裡不一。這樣一個冰火共存於體內的女子。

對於世間的一切，我總是極度抽離，冷眼看著周遭人事流轉，從不在人前洩露任何情緒，微笑永遠淺淡有禮。生活不就是那樣嗎？相同的情節在不同人身上循環著，又何必耗費心神。

你也曾因我的孤絕而卻步，你說，我的表情疏離冷淡，讓你感覺不到愛情的溫度，摸索不出任何動心的蛛絲馬跡。你幾次碰壁一度瀕臨放棄。

我是該感謝你的救贖。是你鍥而不捨一再嘗試，才能突破我無意識間為保護自己而設下的層層心防，開啟我從未甦醒的熾烈心境。

如果不是你，我可能永遠都不知道，自己原來如此易燃。

你說 你給我一分鐘的形容這一張桌子。。。。開始！

這是一張小小的桌子，最多只能容納兩張椅子的對望，適合戀人 。
木制﹐ 四只腳 。右邊一只腳不知為何墊上了一張厚紙 。
你說是讓它繼續“活”下去而做的犧牲 。
桌面亮得几乎把你攮在里面，但仍有些日子的證明。
你看那邊有一條長長 的刮痕。
你指著刮痕說﹐ 這是我未修指甲搞出的禍﹐像不像河流？
我不禁笑了几聲 。
你應和几聲開始默然起來 。

風掠過桌子上玻璃瓶里折斷的玫瑰。
玫瑰因風而亂了思緒 ﹐ 亂了你。 風也亂了。
你問我
這一張桌子﹐ 為了什麼而買下它？
我坐下椅子，把臉靠近你。。。這一張桌子 。 。 。
“ 這一張桌子，是我花了一輩子去形容這一張桌子上的你。”

你笑得燦爛 。。。
你說要罰我用一輩子的時間去形容這一張桌子 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 開始 ﹗ ﹗ ﹗

The best I can do without a macro lens. :-)

一只蝴蝶
只為追尋一片雲彩
躍出了軌道
嘗盡痛苦的快樂
黃昏後忘記了歸路
是否無法再回頭
生活就是這般無助
片片的回憶
無法碰觸 。 。 。

临下班，窗外的大雨似乎没有停的迹象；办公室的人好像都没有离开；我和几个同事聊了起来。
Ryan 说他 有时很受不了他的老婆，有时明明上班就要迟到了，她的老婆还在房间里铺床叠被子。据说如果没有把床和被子叠好再去上班，可能会心神不宁。
而Kent 说，他以前的那个女朋友，如果做爱做到一半时，看见有衣服或内裤被丢在地上，会马上下床把内裤或衣服叠好再回到床上继续做。 大伙听了哇哈哈地笑了起来。。
潘潘却说她的丈夫临上班前一定要上厕所做大号。如果没有上到厕所就出门一定会焦虑不安。潘潘又说因为害怕迟到，他特地早一些把丈夫叫醒，可是她的丈夫说太早没感觉，还没到最高境界（意思是还没有要放大号的感觉）;一定要在出门前才上！
后来我跟我哥哥聊的时候也发现，大嫂出门前一定要吹头发。不管快要迟到了还是什么急事，头发一定要先做好，头发若吹不好就不出门。
然后跟我姐姐聊起，她说有时候也很受不了她的先生。她明明把衣服叠好好放进了衣柜里，他会在受不了的时候，把整个衣柜里的衣服都翻出来重叠重新分类，显然得他对我姐姐的分类法是不赞同的。（这样讲好像我们全家很邋遢．）
我常在想，婚姻的生活真的可以改变一个人的生活方式吗？
像一个随性的人跟一个有洁癖的人在一起，不知道是谁会先被逼疯。
好在我自己一个人住，我一个星期洗一次衣服，两三天才整理一下家里。偶尔煮完饭后不洗碗都没有人骂我。　邋遢还是洁癖也好，　谁也不会给谁逼疯的。　

紧紧地随着他的脚步走在路上，我仍啜泣著。我加快了脚步希望和他的步伐一样，终于走到了巴士车站。我们一起等巴士,一起上车，一起找位置坐了下来，两个人还是肩靠著肩，卻要演兩個陌生人。

我不能接受，我低着头，眼泪直流。「可不可以最後一次牽我的手」我用微弱的音量吐出了心裡的欲望，近乎哀求啊！我怎麼會如此卑微乞憐！我不知道。

他很快用左手牽起我的右手，緊緊握住。我心頭一陣暖，好高興。但接著又一陣酸，眼淚又不聽使喚，沿著臉頰，彷彿依著剛剛的痕再度順流而下。

在巴士上，從頭到尾我們沒再說過一句話，他没有再看我一眼，我始終低著頭，而他好像是一直看窗外吧。我看著他的大手，感覺到他握著我的力道，感覺到他應該也有濃濃的不捨。

车到站了，他把手鬆開，我說了句：「啊！到了」。我恍恍惚惚地下了车，心里分外难过。他很俗氣的对我說：「分手以后我們還是好朋友。」「可不可以给我一个拥抱」我一臉的哀愁又开始要求了。他刚刚呈現"友誼長存"的樣子开始显得极度不耐烦了「你不要这样子好不好！？」我抓紧他的手歇斯底里地哀求着「不要不理我，不要。。。我不要。。不要分手好不好。。。。不要。。。。不要。。。不要。。。我不要。。」 眼泪不停地在眼眶打转。

他把手一甩匆匆地和我说了句「你回家吧」然后轉身就走開，我的心像玻璃碎片一样洒了满地。。 。我随着他的身影往他走的方向走去，走了三步就停住，看著他的背影，直到他的背影淹沒在路的盡頭。我的情绪久久无法平復，想了许多许多。。漸漸回到「現實」，回到我早就培養得差不多的認知。对，我不能強求一个不再爱我的人留下来。不能因为我爱他他就得留下来，即是他已经不在爱我了。如果我的爱已经变成了他的压力，我愿意放手。為了體諒他的處境，為了他無限可能的未來。我没有再缠着他。

我坐在朋友的车子里，突然前方冒出一位警察指示朋友把车子停在路旁。
“Tadi lepas lampu merah. Macam mana awak boleh jalan?” 戴着墨镜的警察问.
“Ya ka? Tadi saya nampak lampu kuning saja. Kami urgent, jadi saya jalan,” 朋友解释.
我看见警察的袖子挂着一个徽章 " SAYA ANTI-RASUAH"
“Macam mana~~?? Mau settle sekarang ge tak nak...? " 警察问。片刻 警察又说"Bagi lah, bagi lah”
我的朋友尝试求情：“Aiya, encik ，tadi emmang lampu kuning saja, boleh tolong ke?”
“Bagi la, sekarang biznes tak baik. Bagi. Bagi. " 警察拿着罚单在朋友的眼前摇摆着。
我沉不住气：“Encik, Bukan Anti-Rasuah ke?”
朋友用手肘推我一下要我闭嘴。
我小小声地向朋友说：“I want to take his face and his badge name’s photo. He was asking for bribe when he’s a policeman! Hypocrite! “
朋友紧张地打不要的手势又说：“No..no..it would be more convenient and cheaper if I settle now....."
警察开始不耐烦了："Jadi saman la~~” 开始在记录簿上写了起来。
"Encik jadi kena bayar berapa?" 朋友赶紧问。
警察不耐烦地回答："Awak tengok surat khabar la."
“WHAT? He didn’t know the rate?“　我怀疑地问我朋友
我再次问我的朋友："Just now I didn’t see the traffic light.. really yellow already?"
“Yes.. yellow light already."朋友肯定地回答。
虽然朋友没有冲红灯，但是肯定逃不过被“屈“了；　钱一定会给但是不能这样给。"then you should not give the bribe" 我尝试劝朋友拿罚单不要让警察 “吃钱”。
警察听见我在干扰朋友就丢下了罚单然后匆匆骑着摩多就离去了。
“I really hate government staff who are corrupted. But it is certainly easier and cheaper for you if the police accepted the bribe even after my ‘bad-mouth’. The police will also happy - he gets pocket money if he accepts the bribe but he gets nothing from writing a saman except maybe good performance record. Maybe the government should introduce commission rate for traffic police haha." 我带着嘲笑的语气说，因为朋友差一点就要给警察“kopi " 钱，这是很不好的习惯。
“Actually if there is no offender and no corruption, this wouldn’t happen. But our salaries (civilians & police) are not increasing as much as other living expenses like food, petrol, etc....The police claimed the salary given by the government is not enough. What’s the true story? There are so many corrupted police (and equally corrupted civilians) - so why should they be given high salary? And how do the government/higher level determine which police is corrupted or not?" 朋友愤愤不平地抱怨着。
我有点不好意思，朋友原本打算给钱警察了事的，因为我的bad-mouth 朋友被逼拿罚单了。所以我向朋友说, "I pay half la."

朋友说不用紧，不过我决定了要付一半，如果他不接受，我还是要请他吃一顿大餐奖励他没有给贿警察。

I was trying in vain. I wrote him a letter, a damn long one. I was in the office when i received his reply. I was just stoned, at first i didn't hv the courage to open that mail, i sensed it wasn't gonna be something cheerful. I had prepared for the worst, I felt i couldn't feel any worse, i killed my fear and read it. Half way thru it there was already a string of tears sliding down my face, i cudn't cry any harder, so quietly, when the guy (Joseph) sitting next to me turning to talk to me, i think i scared the hella him, so I ran away. I went somewhere else where there was no one to judge me crying in the middle of the day like it's the end of the world. I cried for everything I could, for my toutured soul, broken heart...for a while, i've been like a dead woman trying to look ok, but i wasn't.

身軀無意識的隨擁擠人潮流動心神恍惚，思考著你這一陣子來的封閉冷漠你知道嗎？

我是多麼努力尋找你鬱悶疏離的關鍵源頭想盡千方百計，試圖喚回你以往的笑容神采常常想著想著眼眶就濕了... .

在辦公室、在家裡的浴室我無時無刻不想著你，情緒緊繃到了極點，隨時可能就地崩潰。

我―― 是多麼害怕失去你

I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago. I came to the conclusion that I have just been wasting my life and time. I've thought of some things I am going to do to get myself back in the right track.

Now I am JUST living. I don't want to JUST live, I want to LIVE as myself.
Until I try to get things figured out, I'll be trying to keep my head up for another day.
My mind is tricking me so much, I don't really know what it is thinking, how it is working, or if it is working.
I hope your lives are going great.

Changing oneself is a risky thing.

There's self-improvement, and then there's selling out. In my case, though, I know that I want to change. But getting to that knowledge required much thought, including writing the following.

It's hard to be strong all the time.
Try to walk away and I stumble.

I sleep badly, get hungry, can't eat, but keep moving. Standing still lets the doubt catch up. It's the doubt that kills, that brings the questions. Best to keep writing answers instead.

How can I be so miserable yet productive?
It's because you're strong, my friend says.
I am? I asked.
I see, maybe.

Change is superficially for the better. But how does one change without compromising oneself? If I want to be better, what parts do I keep? Remember, the world sees only the outside.

Hmmm ... it's awfully quiet in here. I'm still on hiatus, but I couldn't stand to see the inactivity on the blog! It's killing me. Ha. I have been away from weblogging for such a long time now that it is kind of hard to figure out where to begin. I knew it was bad when folks were sending me emails and asking why I hadn't posted any new content recently.

Anyway, I am alive and kicking. There has been a bunch of things going on in my offline life and doing them properly was a higher level of importance. On top of that, I haven't had too much that's interesting going on lately, except for work, work, worrrrrrrrrk. My dreams needed tending, they needed nurturing to remain alive.

So, I'm going to take a break from blogging. Normal posting would resume once I get back from KL next weekend (And when my machine's all set to go. It needs to have some time off too).

Recently I have been through roller coaster mood, and i can\'t help but wondering, why would things always happen? Friends said everything happens for a good reason, but for me, everyday\'s news update is just another heartbeat.

I always thought i had the capacity to face the truth. Yet when reality hits, I freak out, even though I don\'t act like i do. In fact, truly truth doesn\'t come to you until you are the last person to find out, because it\'s been kept intentionally until the time it can\'t be covered any more.

Life has ups and downs, I\'ve been taking the ups for granted, and I rarely think about what i don\'t deserve. What goes around comes around, it is now my turn to test my capacity of handling my life in downs.

Well, things can\'t be worse before they can get better, can they? Determination. I figured that i\'ve got nothing to loss, becuase everything i care, I already lost.

The mistakes you made this time around, you will have to live through it.........

I'm a crazy woman in love with music. I used to steal these particular CDs from my brothers. He'll find them missing and know to come looking for me:P .......

The Beatles, like the absolute best band ever.
My brother has a huge collection of CDs (thousands, really). Now usually, my brothers has a nasty habit of untidiness. I should know since I pick up after him. He'll leave coffee cups under his bed for DAYS; comes home from work and removes his socks only to leave them on the floor. I'll clean up the coffee table and it'll be all organized over the weekdays, but come the weekend- it's completely messed up by his paraphernalia. So for him to have his CDs kept soooo nicely in a quaint little corner is really something quite new to me.

I love coming to his CD Corner because I'm really amazed by how many he actually has. I've never met anyone else who has a CD collection THIS extensive. Everytime I look through the collection, I get a surprise because I somehow discover some brand new CD I haven't noticed before. Like today: I found Jeff Beck. I didn't even know my brother listened to him.

When I was younger, I never used to understand why he bothered spending so much cash on them. He told me a long time ago that the reason he bought so many CDs was because he never could as a kid. It must have been torture: growing up and hearing all those songs over the radio and never having the oppurtunity to listen to the song again until the next time he gets near a radio, or a TV. Both luxury items back in the days.

And that's the difference between then and now. We hear a good song, and it sticks in our head. But unlike last time when you had to wait and pray that it comes on again, we get online, download the song and put it on repeat mode until we get sick of it. There's not much of an appreciation there.

My brother doesn't buy CDs anymore- he's doing the Malaysian thing now, ie pirated. I think it's a shame somehow because there was so much personality in his CD collection. Now it's just stagnant and never growing. I'm not anti-piracy or pro-piracy, but I'm the type who's willing to spend money on CDs. And why not, right? I mean, some people have their car modifying thing, some people buy gadgets. I don't get why people think its a waste of money to spend on original CDs. If taken care for properly, they could probably outlast your old car model and obsolete technology. Bleks! :p

I'm usually not very keen on seeing a doctor unless if my condition is very serious or I have no other options. It's not that I'm scared of jabs or anything, I just feel that very often it's rather pointless to make an effort all the way there and all your GP would do is to prescribe some painkillers for you to take home and call it a problem resolved. But the problem still lingers on doesn't it? For an ordinary person who has very little or no medical sense like me will think this is very lame. Hence, going to the GP is always the last thing I will do.

But this ongoing flu is really affecting my daily life as I'm starting to get cramps when I cough too hard. So today I went to see a doctor to get some painkillers but GUESS WHAT? The doctor told me I don't need no cold tablets for my flu because it will get better on its own. Errmmm.... I was a bit skeptical about his suggestion and couldn't understand why couldn't he prescribe me some medications to speed up my recovery, so I asked the doctor again if I were to take some cold tablets from the pharmacy which one would he recommend me and he said, 'I WOULDN'T. JUST SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. IT WILL RESOLVE BY ITSELF.'

I don't know what I should do now. I just want the flu bug to go away.

Got up very early this morning but didn't sleep very well last night either, perhaps from anxiety to what my new life will be today. Strangely enough, I wasn't tired at all. As said, maybe I was overwhelmed by the fact that my anticipation was becoming a reality. Indeed, this waiting has fuelled much of my patience but I know this is going to be a turning point in my life. Yes, I'm on another stage now.

Today was warm and sunny, not bad for a start in August. Right. I'm all on my own now. The beginning of a new dawn in a momentous venture. ...

I didn't feel like eating today.Spending my weekend at home alone. Did some revisions on the CISCO and everything was pretty much in control. : ) I also tidied my room, did laundry and grocery in Tesco to keep myself busy. But still, loneliness seemed to be tagging along with me. : (