身軀無意識的隨擁擠人潮流動心神恍惚，思考著你這一陣子來的封閉冷漠你知道嗎？

我是多麼努力尋找你鬱悶疏離的關鍵源頭想盡千方百計，試圖喚回你以往的笑容神采常常想著想著眼眶就濕了... .

在辦公室、在家裡的浴室我無時無刻不想著你，情緒緊繃到了極點，隨時可能就地崩潰。

我―― 是多麼害怕失去你

I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago. I came to the conclusion that I have just been wasting my life and time. I've thought of some things I am going to do to get myself back in the right track.

Now I am JUST living. I don't want to JUST live, I want to LIVE as myself.
Until I try to get things figured out, I'll be trying to keep my head up for another day.
My mind is tricking me so much, I don't really know what it is thinking, how it is working, or if it is working.
I hope your lives are going great.

Changing oneself is a risky thing.

There's self-improvement, and then there's selling out. In my case, though, I know that I want to change. But getting to that knowledge required much thought, including writing the following.

It's hard to be strong all the time.
Try to walk away and I stumble.

I sleep badly, get hungry, can't eat, but keep moving. Standing still lets the doubt catch up. It's the doubt that kills, that brings the questions. Best to keep writing answers instead.

How can I be so miserable yet productive?
It's because you're strong, my friend says.
I am? I asked.
I see, maybe.

Change is superficially for the better. But how does one change without compromising oneself? If I want to be better, what parts do I keep? Remember, the world sees only the outside.

Hmmm ... it's awfully quiet in here. I'm still on hiatus, but I couldn't stand to see the inactivity on the blog! It's killing me. Ha. I have been away from weblogging for such a long time now that it is kind of hard to figure out where to begin. I knew it was bad when folks were sending me emails and asking why I hadn't posted any new content recently.

Anyway, I am alive and kicking. There has been a bunch of things going on in my offline life and doing them properly was a higher level of importance. On top of that, I haven't had too much that's interesting going on lately, except for work, work, worrrrrrrrrk. My dreams needed tending, they needed nurturing to remain alive.

So, I'm going to take a break from blogging. Normal posting would resume once I get back from KL next weekend (And when my machine's all set to go. It needs to have some time off too).

Recently I have been through roller coaster mood, and i can\'t help but wondering, why would things always happen? Friends said everything happens for a good reason, but for me, everyday\'s news update is just another heartbeat.

I always thought i had the capacity to face the truth. Yet when reality hits, I freak out, even though I don\'t act like i do. In fact, truly truth doesn\'t come to you until you are the last person to find out, because it\'s been kept intentionally until the time it can\'t be covered any more.

Life has ups and downs, I\'ve been taking the ups for granted, and I rarely think about what i don\'t deserve. What goes around comes around, it is now my turn to test my capacity of handling my life in downs.

Well, things can\'t be worse before they can get better, can they? Determination. I figured that i\'ve got nothing to loss, becuase everything i care, I already lost.

The mistakes you made this time around, you will have to live through it.........

I'm a crazy woman in love with music. I used to steal these particular CDs from my brothers. He'll find them missing and know to come looking for me:P .......

The Beatles, like the absolute best band ever.
My brother has a huge collection of CDs (thousands, really). Now usually, my brothers has a nasty habit of untidiness. I should know since I pick up after him. He'll leave coffee cups under his bed for DAYS; comes home from work and removes his socks only to leave them on the floor. I'll clean up the coffee table and it'll be all organized over the weekdays, but come the weekend- it's completely messed up by his paraphernalia. So for him to have his CDs kept soooo nicely in a quaint little corner is really something quite new to me.

I love coming to his CD Corner because I'm really amazed by how many he actually has. I've never met anyone else who has a CD collection THIS extensive. Everytime I look through the collection, I get a surprise because I somehow discover some brand new CD I haven't noticed before. Like today: I found Jeff Beck. I didn't even know my brother listened to him.

When I was younger, I never used to understand why he bothered spending so much cash on them. He told me a long time ago that the reason he bought so many CDs was because he never could as a kid. It must have been torture: growing up and hearing all those songs over the radio and never having the oppurtunity to listen to the song again until the next time he gets near a radio, or a TV. Both luxury items back in the days.

And that's the difference between then and now. We hear a good song, and it sticks in our head. But unlike last time when you had to wait and pray that it comes on again, we get online, download the song and put it on repeat mode until we get sick of it. There's not much of an appreciation there.

My brother doesn't buy CDs anymore- he's doing the Malaysian thing now, ie pirated. I think it's a shame somehow because there was so much personality in his CD collection. Now it's just stagnant and never growing. I'm not anti-piracy or pro-piracy, but I'm the type who's willing to spend money on CDs. And why not, right? I mean, some people have their car modifying thing, some people buy gadgets. I don't get why people think its a waste of money to spend on original CDs. If taken care for properly, they could probably outlast your old car model and obsolete technology. Bleks! :p

I'm usually not very keen on seeing a doctor unless if my condition is very serious or I have no other options. It's not that I'm scared of jabs or anything, I just feel that very often it's rather pointless to make an effort all the way there and all your GP would do is to prescribe some painkillers for you to take home and call it a problem resolved. But the problem still lingers on doesn't it? For an ordinary person who has very little or no medical sense like me will think this is very lame. Hence, going to the GP is always the last thing I will do.

But this ongoing flu is really affecting my daily life as I'm starting to get cramps when I cough too hard. So today I went to see a doctor to get some painkillers but GUESS WHAT? The doctor told me I don't need no cold tablets for my flu because it will get better on its own. Errmmm.... I was a bit skeptical about his suggestion and couldn't understand why couldn't he prescribe me some medications to speed up my recovery, so I asked the doctor again if I were to take some cold tablets from the pharmacy which one would he recommend me and he said, 'I WOULDN'T. JUST SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. IT WILL RESOLVE BY ITSELF.'

I don't know what I should do now. I just want the flu bug to go away.

Got up very early this morning but didn't sleep very well last night either, perhaps from anxiety to what my new life will be today. Strangely enough, I wasn't tired at all. As said, maybe I was overwhelmed by the fact that my anticipation was becoming a reality. Indeed, this waiting has fuelled much of my patience but I know this is going to be a turning point in my life. Yes, I'm on another stage now.

Today was warm and sunny, not bad for a start in August. Right. I'm all on my own now. The beginning of a new dawn in a momentous venture. ...

I didn't feel like eating today.Spending my weekend at home alone. Did some revisions on the CISCO and everything was pretty much in control. : ) I also tidied my room, did laundry and grocery in Tesco to keep myself busy. But still, loneliness seemed to be tagging along with me. : (

un-cer-tain-ty ( n-sûr tn-t )
1. The condition of being uncertain ; doubt.
2. Something uncertain : the uncertainties of modern life.
3. Statistics. The estimated amount or percentage by which an observed or calculated value may differ from the true value.

That's such an interesting word for me right now ... people asked me if I know what's going on, what's happening, and am I happy. In a way I do but then again I don't know. I'm dealing with it one day at a time. I guess as long as I'm ok or happy with it, then nothing should matter, right? I mean the feelings are there but I feel like it's just there. Not knowing how to express them, show them or act towards it. I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. Am I that complicated? Always trying to figure out the unknown. Always puzzling myself and making simple things complicated in which I deny in doing. I tell myself I like things plain and simple and yet I go ahead and make things complicated for myself. Always thinking about things. I guess sometime I just can't help it. My mind wanders aimlessly about things, everything. But I bet everybody does that anyway. Just hoping for things to be clear and better translated.

And then there goes about the more you know or find out, the more it hurts. Well the way I put it, it's not a pain kind of hurt but rather than a bothersome kind of hurt. The kind of feeling that can bother you and make you think even some more. The kind of feeling that makes you wonder about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that makes you think twice about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that reveals the intentions of others. The kind of feeling that lingers on until you can take no more but put it behind you with some comfort from yourself. You tell yourself to just stop it and think no more. Because when you do find out the truth, can you handle it? Therefore just let it go.

Everybody's all about having fun regardless of anything. Freedom is what was given to us all. We go out, do the things we do, go to the places we go, say the things we say, and see the people we see, that can be incredibly fun, but as long as we know where we wanna be then that's all it matters. At the end of the day, when you're laying on your bed, who's in your head? That's all it matters. The last thing you think about before you sleep speaks for what’s important to you. That's the only thing that matters. The only thing that matters no matter how much fun you have during the day.

Just had to get that off my mind ...

well how the heck did i get this subject come across my mind?

I tend to be transported when i am reading and my mind is just drifting all over the places. Maybe a song, a move or a sight, can easily draw my attention away from my book, such as right now this moment...

Have no idea what future holds, can't forward looking what is right in front of me, can't get a picture what's gonna be like a year away from today.

Everyone has a ultimate goal, and a spare one. What is mine? I'm so confused. My life has been so confused, so has my thoughts, my wants, and my dreams. The word "fickle" makes the best description for me.

When was the last time I really laugh, the kind of laughing that you throw your head away and hold your stomach becasue you laugh too hard. Laugh without worry, laugh truely....

What belief do i hold? what do i compromise to??

I haven?t been posting for some time! I just don?t know how to start and where to start!

I don?t know what the hell I was thinking yesterday, I went out with him but really i did't want to, I knew he?d attempted to move our friendship further close! I just don?t have the feeling for him?for more obvious say I don?t want to have intimate relationship. I am still in healing period I suppose. I am quite moody and frenzy at the moment?yeah?just need a little bit self-control?yeah?

I will be fine?

You are right, it's not that i can't recover, not no one can't, it's that I'm not letting myself to. I believe there's hope, i believe deep inside of his heart, there's a place for me (and also for x other women). I must realize that no matter what happens to me, to anything in the world, the earth keeps revolving, the sun still goes up and down, what's happened has passed but they do still exist, in same places, different time space, I try to figure out where they are, try to catch the substance, then i wake up realizing it's just a dream. .....just a drea....m.........d .r e .a .m.

I must be drunk now, i have no idea what i am writing and where i am getting at, i just kept my flow going. I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I wanna go travelling, I wanna go swimming , I wanna go Shushi King.............

Well life is still beautiful, Nat now looking for a piece moment, going to sleep.

zzzZZZZZ

My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....

If there were no men..........................
i wudn't be obssessed,
i wudn't be hurt,
he wudn't be able to still hurt me easily,
turning my life,
my mood upside down just in a blink of eyes.
Don't feel offended by the subject,
it doesn't imply to all men, friends don't count.........

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you and everyone around you were smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in fact it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love. But, it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Is it possible to change a person?
Or is it possible for a person to change coz of someone?

At first, I thought if someone loves you very much, s/he would accept who you are. There is no need for you to change or you do not need to change becoz of her/him.

Then, I thought if you really do love someone, you would not mind to change things for her/him. So there is a possibility of changing.

After a while, I thought the most important thing is not about if a person has changed or what. It is about whether the person you care is willing to change for you or not.

I never expected that someone would change for me or I would change for someone. However, as time goes by, without telling others to change, and you realized that the one next to you is different than the one you first knew, in a better way. This is one of the happiest feelings.

For the moment, watching in the mirror, a me?of course?I cannot live like this any more?you know for the last 2 years staying here in KL, I don’t feel I have been changing to any better but getting worse?I really have to do something now?for the wasted 2 years, I feel bit regret?but for this time, regret cannot bring anything back?just start now?you are very young it is never late?

Applauds for myself giving a announcement to upgrade myself now?YEAH!!!!!!! Upgrade myself...

How many people had blind dates? I guess not too many. At least most of my friends didn't.

I used to think I am still too young to have a blind date. But, obviously not for my parents.

They decide to introduce me their friend's son in Singapore.

Frankly, I am not interested in it. I wonder how can I love a guy whom I have never seen and how can we keep long-distance relationship. The situation is: I am in the Malaysia, he is in Singapore, and we never met before.

However, my mom said, "He is very smart, tall, never had a girlfriend (for my mom it means he is not a playboy, my innocent mom :), is going to US to get a PhD." Suddenly, I am curious that what my mom's friend would describe me to her son.

She might say, "Not pretty not ugly, MIT, not stupid, can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin,Hakka, simple family." What else??

The more I think, the more sad I feel. Not only feel sorry for myself, but also for the guy. We are just like 2 pigs, waiting for being weighted. As long as we are almost equally weighted, the deal is done!

The situation is like this: The guy--PhD (+5), tall (+5). Me-- good girl (+5), MIT (+5). Both sides are over 70 out of 100, so they should see each other!

Yeah, people are getting more and more realistic in this modern society. If a guy and a girl have similar family background, knowledge (people call it "degree"), social status, age, then they are put together. Who cares who loves whom? What is love? Love lasts forever? You're too young to know life. Love is the most useless thing in life.

How sad!

However, I also envy those people because they can easily live happily. What I want is "spiritual communication", not just find one guy to spend life with. How greedy I am! Unfortunately, I don't think a guy in blind date would understand me.

Do I know what kind of book he likes to read? Does he know what kind of music I like to listening to? If I cannot appreciate his humor, he must feel bored. If he cannot appreciate my interest (writing), I must feel lonely. Many people may think I am so immature that I care about these trifles. However, it's very important for me.

I don't want to give up my "childishness" after married. I still want to laugh, sing, think, find out the beauty of world. If he doesn't have "spirit", I would be very painful. Frankly, if a girl looks for money or stable life from marriage, her dream usually may come true. However, if a girl searches for "untouchable" spirit communication, she may have to wait until die. The reason is very simple-- how many girls are loved because of their soul?

I am such a weird person that my only choice is the later. Therefore, I don't have any expectation to blind dates. What my parents want is to see I'll have a stable life. However, they didn't consider what I want.

No matter I like it or not, the truth is I also become one of those pigs waiting for being weighted.

No one would ask a pig, "Do you want to be put in the market?" The pig is poor. I know as long as a blind date starts, many other blind dates come. It wouldn't stop until the "equal-weight" deal is done or until the pig is too old for the market.

Anyway, I didn't say "no" to my parents. This is the 3rd time they have the enthusiasm to introduce a guy to me.

A guy has a blind date because he is too busy and has no chance to meet girls. A girl promises a blind date because her heart is broken and she is already tired.

Don't you think so?

I don't know what "loneliness" means until I come to the KL.

When I was in hometown, I enjoyed reading, writing, studying, and fortune-telling. Life seemed to be so happy and time passed soon. However, when I am alone here, things are different...

Last night I went to a Japanese restaurant to have late dinner at 9:30PM (I finished my work at 9PM). There were many young guys getting together in front of that restaurant. I know it's kinda dangerous to go out alone in the midnight, but what I can do? I was so hungry that I had to behave brave though I was afraid actually.

After entering the restaurant, the waiter asked me "how many people?" I said, "One." "Only one?" he seemed to be surprised by my answer. I was embarrassed, again.

Yeah, I have every dinner alone. Every time waiters would say "only one" with question marks. Hee, they don't know I not only eat alone but also travel alone because... I have no choice!

In fact, I don't like people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. Most of new friends don't believe that I don't have a boyfriend... that really bothers me. I hate explaining my background again and again. Their curiosity lets me feel "guilty" for having no boyfriend.

I used to enjoying being alone, but not anymore. There are four poor reasons: First of all, in the KL, as a little girl alone here, I have to pretend strong and smart to deal with every event which I never face before. Second, get embarrassed when I go to restaurant or join a tour. Third, feel uncomfortable to answer new friends' questions. Fourth, have to make it clear that I'm not a picky girl but just have no chance.

It's weird... Why people think a young girl should have a boyfriend? Why I cannot have dinner alone? (hee hee, now I only choose those restaurants whose waiters don't ask me with "question mark" :)

It's more weird that I also start hating being alone...