临下班，窗外的大雨似乎没有停的迹象；办公室的人好像都没有离开；我和几个同事聊了起来。
Ryan 说他 有时很受不了他的老婆，有时明明上班就要迟到了，她的老婆还在房间里铺床叠被子。据说如果没有把床和被子叠好再去上班，可能会心神不宁。
而Kent 说，他以前的那个女朋友，如果做爱做到一半时，看见有衣服或内裤被丢在地上，会马上下床把内裤或衣服叠好再回到床上继续做。 大伙听了哇哈哈地笑了起来。。
潘潘却说她的丈夫临上班前一定要上厕所做大号。如果没有上到厕所就出门一定会焦虑不安。潘潘又说因为害怕迟到，他特地早一些把丈夫叫醒，可是她的丈夫说太早没感觉，还没到最高境界（意思是还没有要放大号的感觉）;一定要在出门前才上！
后来我跟我哥哥聊的时候也发现，大嫂出门前一定要吹头发。不管快要迟到了还是什么急事，头发一定要先做好，头发若吹不好就不出门。
然后跟我姐姐聊起，她说有时候也很受不了她的先生。她明明把衣服叠好好放进了衣柜里，他会在受不了的时候，把整个衣柜里的衣服都翻出来重叠重新分类，显然得他对我姐姐的分类法是不赞同的。（这样讲好像我们全家很邋遢．）
我常在想，婚姻的生活真的可以改变一个人的生活方式吗？
像一个随性的人跟一个有洁癖的人在一起，不知道是谁会先被逼疯。
好在我自己一个人住，我一个星期洗一次衣服，两三天才整理一下家里。偶尔煮完饭后不洗碗都没有人骂我。　邋遢还是洁癖也好，　谁也不会给谁逼疯的。　

紧紧地随着他的脚步走在路上，我仍啜泣著。我加快了脚步希望和他的步伐一样，终于走到了巴士车站。我们一起等巴士,一起上车，一起找位置坐了下来，两个人还是肩靠著肩，卻要演兩個陌生人。

我不能接受，我低着头，眼泪直流。「可不可以最後一次牽我的手」我用微弱的音量吐出了心裡的欲望，近乎哀求啊！我怎麼會如此卑微乞憐！我不知道。

他很快用左手牽起我的右手，緊緊握住。我心頭一陣暖，好高興。但接著又一陣酸，眼淚又不聽使喚，沿著臉頰，彷彿依著剛剛的痕再度順流而下。

在巴士上，從頭到尾我們沒再說過一句話，他没有再看我一眼，我始終低著頭，而他好像是一直看窗外吧。我看著他的大手，感覺到他握著我的力道，感覺到他應該也有濃濃的不捨。

车到站了，他把手鬆開，我說了句：「啊！到了」。我恍恍惚惚地下了车，心里分外难过。他很俗氣的对我說：「分手以后我們還是好朋友。」「可不可以给我一个拥抱」我一臉的哀愁又开始要求了。他刚刚呈現"友誼長存"的樣子开始显得极度不耐烦了「你不要这样子好不好！？」我抓紧他的手歇斯底里地哀求着「不要不理我，不要。。。我不要。。不要分手好不好。。。。不要。。。。不要。。。不要。。。我不要。。」 眼泪不停地在眼眶打转。

他把手一甩匆匆地和我说了句「你回家吧」然后轉身就走開，我的心像玻璃碎片一样洒了满地。。 。我随着他的身影往他走的方向走去，走了三步就停住，看著他的背影，直到他的背影淹沒在路的盡頭。我的情绪久久无法平復，想了许多许多。。漸漸回到「現實」，回到我早就培養得差不多的認知。对，我不能強求一个不再爱我的人留下来。不能因为我爱他他就得留下来，即是他已经不在爱我了。如果我的爱已经变成了他的压力，我愿意放手。為了體諒他的處境，為了他無限可能的未來。我没有再缠着他。

我坐在朋友的车子里，突然前方冒出一位警察指示朋友把车子停在路旁。
“Tadi lepas lampu merah. Macam mana awak boleh jalan?” 戴着墨镜的警察问.
“Ya ka? Tadi saya nampak lampu kuning saja. Kami urgent, jadi saya jalan,” 朋友解释.
我看见警察的袖子挂着一个徽章 " SAYA ANTI-RASUAH"
“Macam mana~~?? Mau settle sekarang ge tak nak...? " 警察问。片刻 警察又说"Bagi lah, bagi lah”
我的朋友尝试求情：“Aiya, encik ，tadi emmang lampu kuning saja, boleh tolong ke?”
“Bagi la, sekarang biznes tak baik. Bagi. Bagi. " 警察拿着罚单在朋友的眼前摇摆着。
我沉不住气：“Encik, Bukan Anti-Rasuah ke?”
朋友用手肘推我一下要我闭嘴。
我小小声地向朋友说：“I want to take his face and his badge name’s photo. He was asking for bribe when he’s a policeman! Hypocrite! “
朋友紧张地打不要的手势又说：“No..no..it would be more convenient and cheaper if I settle now....."
警察开始不耐烦了："Jadi saman la~~” 开始在记录簿上写了起来。
"Encik jadi kena bayar berapa?" 朋友赶紧问。
警察不耐烦地回答："Awak tengok surat khabar la."
“WHAT? He didn’t know the rate?“　我怀疑地问我朋友
我再次问我的朋友："Just now I didn’t see the traffic light.. really yellow already?"
“Yes.. yellow light already."朋友肯定地回答。
虽然朋友没有冲红灯，但是肯定逃不过被“屈“了；　钱一定会给但是不能这样给。"then you should not give the bribe" 我尝试劝朋友拿罚单不要让警察 “吃钱”。
警察听见我在干扰朋友就丢下了罚单然后匆匆骑着摩多就离去了。
“I really hate government staff who are corrupted. But it is certainly easier and cheaper for you if the police accepted the bribe even after my ‘bad-mouth’. The police will also happy - he gets pocket money if he accepts the bribe but he gets nothing from writing a saman except maybe good performance record. Maybe the government should introduce commission rate for traffic police haha." 我带着嘲笑的语气说，因为朋友差一点就要给警察“kopi " 钱，这是很不好的习惯。
“Actually if there is no offender and no corruption, this wouldn’t happen. But our salaries (civilians & police) are not increasing as much as other living expenses like food, petrol, etc....The police claimed the salary given by the government is not enough. What’s the true story? There are so many corrupted police (and equally corrupted civilians) - so why should they be given high salary? And how do the government/higher level determine which police is corrupted or not?" 朋友愤愤不平地抱怨着。
我有点不好意思，朋友原本打算给钱警察了事的，因为我的bad-mouth 朋友被逼拿罚单了。所以我向朋友说, "I pay half la."

朋友说不用紧，不过我决定了要付一半，如果他不接受，我还是要请他吃一顿大餐奖励他没有给贿警察。

I was trying in vain. I wrote him a letter, a damn long one. I was in the office when i received his reply. I was just stoned, at first i didn't hv the courage to open that mail, i sensed it wasn't gonna be something cheerful. I had prepared for the worst, I felt i couldn't feel any worse, i killed my fear and read it. Half way thru it there was already a string of tears sliding down my face, i cudn't cry any harder, so quietly, when the guy (Joseph) sitting next to me turning to talk to me, i think i scared the hella him, so I ran away. I went somewhere else where there was no one to judge me crying in the middle of the day like it's the end of the world. I cried for everything I could, for my toutured soul, broken heart...for a while, i've been like a dead woman trying to look ok, but i wasn't.

身軀無意識的隨擁擠人潮流動心神恍惚，思考著你這一陣子來的封閉冷漠你知道嗎？

我是多麼努力尋找你鬱悶疏離的關鍵源頭想盡千方百計，試圖喚回你以往的笑容神采常常想著想著眼眶就濕了... .

在辦公室、在家裡的浴室我無時無刻不想著你，情緒緊繃到了極點，隨時可能就地崩潰。

我―― 是多麼害怕失去你

I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago. I came to the conclusion that I have just been wasting my life and time. I've thought of some things I am going to do to get myself back in the right track.

Now I am JUST living. I don't want to JUST live, I want to LIVE as myself.
Until I try to get things figured out, I'll be trying to keep my head up for another day.
My mind is tricking me so much, I don't really know what it is thinking, how it is working, or if it is working.
I hope your lives are going great.

Changing oneself is a risky thing.

There's self-improvement, and then there's selling out. In my case, though, I know that I want to change. But getting to that knowledge required much thought, including writing the following.

It's hard to be strong all the time.
Try to walk away and I stumble.

I sleep badly, get hungry, can't eat, but keep moving. Standing still lets the doubt catch up. It's the doubt that kills, that brings the questions. Best to keep writing answers instead.

How can I be so miserable yet productive?
It's because you're strong, my friend says.
I am? I asked.
I see, maybe.

Change is superficially for the better. But how does one change without compromising oneself? If I want to be better, what parts do I keep? Remember, the world sees only the outside.

Hmmm ... it's awfully quiet in here. I'm still on hiatus, but I couldn't stand to see the inactivity on the blog! It's killing me. Ha. I have been away from weblogging for such a long time now that it is kind of hard to figure out where to begin. I knew it was bad when folks were sending me emails and asking why I hadn't posted any new content recently.

Anyway, I am alive and kicking. There has been a bunch of things going on in my offline life and doing them properly was a higher level of importance. On top of that, I haven't had too much that's interesting going on lately, except for work, work, worrrrrrrrrk. My dreams needed tending, they needed nurturing to remain alive.

So, I'm going to take a break from blogging. Normal posting would resume once I get back from KL next weekend (And when my machine's all set to go. It needs to have some time off too).

Recently I have been through roller coaster mood, and i can\'t help but wondering, why would things always happen? Friends said everything happens for a good reason, but for me, everyday\'s news update is just another heartbeat.

I always thought i had the capacity to face the truth. Yet when reality hits, I freak out, even though I don\'t act like i do. In fact, truly truth doesn\'t come to you until you are the last person to find out, because it\'s been kept intentionally until the time it can\'t be covered any more.

Life has ups and downs, I\'ve been taking the ups for granted, and I rarely think about what i don\'t deserve. What goes around comes around, it is now my turn to test my capacity of handling my life in downs.

Well, things can\'t be worse before they can get better, can they? Determination. I figured that i\'ve got nothing to loss, becuase everything i care, I already lost.

The mistakes you made this time around, you will have to live through it.........

I'm a crazy woman in love with music. I used to steal these particular CDs from my brothers. He'll find them missing and know to come looking for me:P .......

The Beatles, like the absolute best band ever.
My brother has a huge collection of CDs (thousands, really). Now usually, my brothers has a nasty habit of untidiness. I should know since I pick up after him. He'll leave coffee cups under his bed for DAYS; comes home from work and removes his socks only to leave them on the floor. I'll clean up the coffee table and it'll be all organized over the weekdays, but come the weekend- it's completely messed up by his paraphernalia. So for him to have his CDs kept soooo nicely in a quaint little corner is really something quite new to me.

I love coming to his CD Corner because I'm really amazed by how many he actually has. I've never met anyone else who has a CD collection THIS extensive. Everytime I look through the collection, I get a surprise because I somehow discover some brand new CD I haven't noticed before. Like today: I found Jeff Beck. I didn't even know my brother listened to him.

When I was younger, I never used to understand why he bothered spending so much cash on them. He told me a long time ago that the reason he bought so many CDs was because he never could as a kid. It must have been torture: growing up and hearing all those songs over the radio and never having the oppurtunity to listen to the song again until the next time he gets near a radio, or a TV. Both luxury items back in the days.

And that's the difference between then and now. We hear a good song, and it sticks in our head. But unlike last time when you had to wait and pray that it comes on again, we get online, download the song and put it on repeat mode until we get sick of it. There's not much of an appreciation there.

My brother doesn't buy CDs anymore- he's doing the Malaysian thing now, ie pirated. I think it's a shame somehow because there was so much personality in his CD collection. Now it's just stagnant and never growing. I'm not anti-piracy or pro-piracy, but I'm the type who's willing to spend money on CDs. And why not, right? I mean, some people have their car modifying thing, some people buy gadgets. I don't get why people think its a waste of money to spend on original CDs. If taken care for properly, they could probably outlast your old car model and obsolete technology. Bleks! :p

I'm usually not very keen on seeing a doctor unless if my condition is very serious or I have no other options. It's not that I'm scared of jabs or anything, I just feel that very often it's rather pointless to make an effort all the way there and all your GP would do is to prescribe some painkillers for you to take home and call it a problem resolved. But the problem still lingers on doesn't it? For an ordinary person who has very little or no medical sense like me will think this is very lame. Hence, going to the GP is always the last thing I will do.

But this ongoing flu is really affecting my daily life as I'm starting to get cramps when I cough too hard. So today I went to see a doctor to get some painkillers but GUESS WHAT? The doctor told me I don't need no cold tablets for my flu because it will get better on its own. Errmmm.... I was a bit skeptical about his suggestion and couldn't understand why couldn't he prescribe me some medications to speed up my recovery, so I asked the doctor again if I were to take some cold tablets from the pharmacy which one would he recommend me and he said, 'I WOULDN'T. JUST SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. IT WILL RESOLVE BY ITSELF.'

I don't know what I should do now. I just want the flu bug to go away.

Got up very early this morning but didn't sleep very well last night either, perhaps from anxiety to what my new life will be today. Strangely enough, I wasn't tired at all. As said, maybe I was overwhelmed by the fact that my anticipation was becoming a reality. Indeed, this waiting has fuelled much of my patience but I know this is going to be a turning point in my life. Yes, I'm on another stage now.

Today was warm and sunny, not bad for a start in August. Right. I'm all on my own now. The beginning of a new dawn in a momentous venture. ...

I didn't feel like eating today.Spending my weekend at home alone. Did some revisions on the CISCO and everything was pretty much in control. : ) I also tidied my room, did laundry and grocery in Tesco to keep myself busy. But still, loneliness seemed to be tagging along with me. : (

un-cer-tain-ty ( n-sûr tn-t )
1. The condition of being uncertain ; doubt.
2. Something uncertain : the uncertainties of modern life.
3. Statistics. The estimated amount or percentage by which an observed or calculated value may differ from the true value.

That's such an interesting word for me right now ... people asked me if I know what's going on, what's happening, and am I happy. In a way I do but then again I don't know. I'm dealing with it one day at a time. I guess as long as I'm ok or happy with it, then nothing should matter, right? I mean the feelings are there but I feel like it's just there. Not knowing how to express them, show them or act towards it. I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. Am I that complicated? Always trying to figure out the unknown. Always puzzling myself and making simple things complicated in which I deny in doing. I tell myself I like things plain and simple and yet I go ahead and make things complicated for myself. Always thinking about things. I guess sometime I just can't help it. My mind wanders aimlessly about things, everything. But I bet everybody does that anyway. Just hoping for things to be clear and better translated.

And then there goes about the more you know or find out, the more it hurts. Well the way I put it, it's not a pain kind of hurt but rather than a bothersome kind of hurt. The kind of feeling that can bother you and make you think even some more. The kind of feeling that makes you wonder about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that makes you think twice about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that reveals the intentions of others. The kind of feeling that lingers on until you can take no more but put it behind you with some comfort from yourself. You tell yourself to just stop it and think no more. Because when you do find out the truth, can you handle it? Therefore just let it go.

Everybody's all about having fun regardless of anything. Freedom is what was given to us all. We go out, do the things we do, go to the places we go, say the things we say, and see the people we see, that can be incredibly fun, but as long as we know where we wanna be then that's all it matters. At the end of the day, when you're laying on your bed, who's in your head? That's all it matters. The last thing you think about before you sleep speaks for what’s important to you. That's the only thing that matters. The only thing that matters no matter how much fun you have during the day.

Just had to get that off my mind ...

well how the heck did i get this subject come across my mind?

I tend to be transported when i am reading and my mind is just drifting all over the places. Maybe a song, a move or a sight, can easily draw my attention away from my book, such as right now this moment...

Have no idea what future holds, can't forward looking what is right in front of me, can't get a picture what's gonna be like a year away from today.

Everyone has a ultimate goal, and a spare one. What is mine? I'm so confused. My life has been so confused, so has my thoughts, my wants, and my dreams. The word "fickle" makes the best description for me.

When was the last time I really laugh, the kind of laughing that you throw your head away and hold your stomach becasue you laugh too hard. Laugh without worry, laugh truely....

What belief do i hold? what do i compromise to??

I haven?t been posting for some time! I just don?t know how to start and where to start!

I don?t know what the hell I was thinking yesterday, I went out with him but really i did't want to, I knew he?d attempted to move our friendship further close! I just don?t have the feeling for him?for more obvious say I don?t want to have intimate relationship. I am still in healing period I suppose. I am quite moody and frenzy at the moment?yeah?just need a little bit self-control?yeah?

I will be fine?

You are right, it's not that i can't recover, not no one can't, it's that I'm not letting myself to. I believe there's hope, i believe deep inside of his heart, there's a place for me (and also for x other women). I must realize that no matter what happens to me, to anything in the world, the earth keeps revolving, the sun still goes up and down, what's happened has passed but they do still exist, in same places, different time space, I try to figure out where they are, try to catch the substance, then i wake up realizing it's just a dream. .....just a drea....m.........d .r e .a .m.

I must be drunk now, i have no idea what i am writing and where i am getting at, i just kept my flow going. I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I wanna go travelling, I wanna go swimming , I wanna go Shushi King.............

Well life is still beautiful, Nat now looking for a piece moment, going to sleep.

zzzZZZZZ

My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....

If there were no men..........................
i wudn't be obssessed,
i wudn't be hurt,
he wudn't be able to still hurt me easily,
turning my life,
my mood upside down just in a blink of eyes.
Don't feel offended by the subject,
it doesn't imply to all men, friends don't count.........

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you and everyone around you were smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in fact it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love. But, it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.