土拨鼠の生活樂誌

买了丞燕产品：千禧泉和沛能

2010-07-31T14:45:00.044+08:00

听说了千禧泉和沛能的功能和效果很久，但是都舍不得下手买因为价钱实在是太贵了。
直到昨天友人从新加坡下来无意中谈起这产品我才又犹豫起来到底该不该买，后张某说如果价钱可以再便宜就考虑买来尝试下。

友人说不如让她帮忙，应该可以拿到个好价钱因为她已经喝用丞燕的产品很久了，通过她的会员优惠可以得到便宜些的价格，所以我们就决定买下一盒千禧泉还有两盒沛能来尝试。

原来这就是千禧泉(Millennium),一盒内附有两包装的千禧泉，我省省地喝，每天早上只喝一小汤匙而已。

这个就是沛能 (Nutrifresh)，这个就每天早上喝一包。

友人送来蜜糖

2010-07-31T14:33:00.019+08:00

刚怀孕时，我经常失眠，友人知道后从新加坡下来时特地带来这罐好蜜糖，友人说这蜜糖很好，而且睡前喝能帮助容易入睡。

真的很有心，我只是无意中提起失眠，但这对夫妻还记在心里。真的很感动~！

友人还一再叮咛冲泡这蜜糖时最好用木汤匙。我刚泡了杯蜜糖水来喝，味道很不错。想了解这蜜糖的来源和好处可以点击蜜糖之家探讨。

购买哺乳用品-Medela Free Style Breast Pump

2010-07-27T13:40:00.000+08:00

我准备生产后继续哺乳，上网搜寻了些资料，相中了这一款口碑和信誉相当不错的Medela Freestyle Breast Pump.

这类型的Breast Pump 在大马要价非常昂贵,大概需要RM 2000 - RM2300 之间. 经网友指点后知道在美国买会便宜许多，所以就赶紧托在美国的大哥。

大哥在美国的authorize outlet 用USD 379.95帮我买下了这Medela Freestyle, 我算了算convert 回来马币是RM 1300++ (包括tax了)。真的便宜许多。

想知道更多Medela Freestyle Breast Pump 的详情可以点击 Medela Freestyle.

虽然价钱很贵，我也考虑了很久，但是为了宝宝，我还是忍痛投资买个好Pump 以方便一边工作一边继续哺乳我的宝贝。

购买奶瓶蒸煮器- Snow Bear Milk Bottle Sterilizer & Snow Bear Warmer

2010-07-17T19:53:00.002+08:00

原本打算买Little Bean 的Milk Bottle Sterilizer & Warmer，但是去到USJ 的BB Warehouse , 听信老板娘说Little Bean Bottle Sterilizer Warmer 的plastic 不耐所以他们都没有卖，结果她大力推荐Snow Bear Bottle Sterilizer & Warmer, 讲到Snow Bear 的Bottle Sterilizer & Warmer 是多么值得买，结果我真的买了。花了RM168 和她一博，这Snow Bear Bottle Sterilizer 有附送 Warmer ，它的外形很不讨好，我打开纸箱一看里边的还是白色的plastic 和箱子外的图片有差距，当下有感被骗。

我还没开始用，不知道这款Snow Bear的Milk Bottle Sterilizer & Warmer 的 quality 如何，真的要祈祷不会太差，好让我用上两三年吧。希望啦。。毕竟是用血汗钱买的。

张某安慰我说到时候用了再说，就算花RM199 去买Little Bean 的Milk Bottle Sterilizer Warmer 也不知道真正的效果如何。我只好不去想那么多了。坏了再算。
以后真的要紧记要买的产品Model No，谁叫我死笨那么容易相信人。。。真的很懊恼。

盒子照片的外形是这样的-》

但是实物却是这样的款-》

(我懒惰打开来看了，随便去别人的网店拉这图片过来）

Warmer 还好起码跟盒子外图片外形是一样的。

我助养的孩子

2010-07-02T16:22:00.029+08:00

去年通过马来西亚世界宣明会,我开始助养了一名孩童.

她来自印度的贫穷部落. 我和张某称他为"女儿".

今天收到“女儿”的 Anual Progress Report 让我们没知道她现在的近况.“女儿”寄来了张近照。她目前还是没能够上学。
女儿，

“不管环境多么恶劣,你要坚强活下去!好好生活哦。

第二十周- 产检5

2010-06-25T20:35:00.004+08:00

亲爱的宝贝，

你还好吗？

妈咪等了好久，好不容易挨过了5 个月，终于等到第二十周了来看你了。

妈咪爱产检，妈咪就爱照超波，因为可以看见宝贝在肚子里的情形。

医生说宝贝一切很好，宝贝还在睡觉呢。下次要让妈咪看看你的脸蛋哦。

我真的每天都在数现在是几周了，总觉得4 周才一次出产检是相当久的，有时候真的等不及4周我就去找医生做产检了，医生看见我就不禁要问“那么快你又来了？”有时医生检查完毕还特地注明：“那么我们下个月才见，是下个月哦。。”

这次的产检必需抽血，这是我最怕的事，为了宝贝妈咪还是勇敢去抽了几支血供专科测试和检验宝宝是否有偶异常的现象。

亲爱的宝贝，你要平平安安健健康康哦！

早餐吃了些什么?

2010-06-18T19:38:00.056+08:00

肚皮痒痒

2010-06-11T18:54:00.148+08:00

一开始是肚脐周围痒痒,现在已经发展到整个肚子都痒了.

之前有位好心同事送我一支防妊娠纹的膏 - Clarins Stretch Mark Control.

很好用,而且不会油腻,粘粘的. 份量不多价钱却不便宜.

为了肚皮我原本打算去买多一支, 最后没有买到是因为张某去Body Shop 买了一罐Body Butter ~Cocoabutte RM 58 给我,一开始用感觉很油也而且粘粘的感觉, 但是过后我发觉它的效果很不错, 我涂了过后,真的减轻肚皮痒痒了.

我的肚脐下面有一条竖线，之前只是显现在肚脐下面现在是穿过了肚脐开始往上发展了.肚脐线上下不对齐，偏肚脐眼右边,肚脐眼上的那根线很细很浅.

我发现宝贝在这几周里生长的速度开始加快; 肚脐也快被挤凸了.

那天,无意中看见Jusco 有买网友所强力推荐的Pureen Stretch Mark Lotion, 我又忍不住败家了, 想到Body Butter ~Cocoabutte 还剩不多, 就买下了因为Jusco 正好以Promotion Price RM 24 出售并且有附送一包Cotton.

回到家洗澡后,迫不及待地开装使用.

个人感觉这个Pureen Stretch Mark Lotion也不错啦,不会油腻,但是肚皮还是会有点氧.

3 种防妊娠纹的油和膏,我觉得Body Butter ~Cocoabutte 的效果很不错, 可以减轻肚皮痒痒, 且很耐用, 弱点是比较油腻.

Clarins Stretch Mark Control 抢点是不会油腻, 不好的是小小支就已经很贵.

而Pureen Stretch Mark Lotion 是最经济的了, 不会油腻,但是肚皮还是会感觉有点氧.也许无法维持太长时间,所以要定时补搽才不会感觉氧氧.

在肚子里陪妈咪过生日

2010-06-06T20:22:00.037+08:00

我亲爱的宝贝，你知道吗？

今天，对妈咪来说是非常特别的一天。

不为什么，是因为这一次的生日有宝贝陪妈咪一起度过。

因为妈咪身体不舒服又吐又昏，所以爹地买了个蛋糕回家和妈咪和宝贝一起庆祝。

虽然这一次很简单，但是妈咪格外开心。

第一次胎动

2010-06-02T11:32:00.027+08:00

第十六周第三天

肚皮老是鼓鼓的感觉，一会儿又好像肠子在蠕动．我以为肚子里有风，赶紧去拿了个面包来啃．我躺在懒人椅，双腿交叉托在抱枕上看着<<妈咪宝宝>>，突然感觉到腹部好像抖了一下。

但我不确定．．所以就继续边啃面包一边翻着杂志．．．腹部好像又抖了一下。我赶紧把裙子掀开，定住眼睛看着肚子．．．这回我很肯定是宝贝在动。胎动是种令人兴奋的体验，是让我能亲身感觉到生命正在自己的腹中孕育的证明。这感觉好开心而这种喜悦是我不懂如何形容的。

我就这样定住眼睛地望着肚子大概一个小时，肚皮偶尔东凸凸，西凸凸蠕动着抖动着．．
恰巧这时张某刚回到家，我迫不及待地和张某招手示意他快点过来看看，小小声地说"宝贝在动也．．．．你看．．．你看．．"

张某紧张地问"哪里．．哪里？做么我看不见？"
宝贝是很轻微地在抖动，稍不留神，可能就会错过了胎动的一幕．张某只能用羡慕的眼神望着我。

"你再等多过几周吧．．到时候应该就会更明显了．．" 我安慰张某。

旧照片

2010-06-01T11:00:00.000+08:00

这是几乎被我遗忘了的一部分。
前同事在Facebook 突然上传的旧照片，她最近才发现她还保留着这些照片。

照片里的人都是我的人生旅途的过客。。有些真的已经成为了过客，而一些还是和我一同跳到现在的公司共事的。。

时间真的过得好快。。转眼我已经结了婚，现在已经怀孕中。。。没有任何人能够回到从前，所以我格外珍惜现在相处在一起的朋友和同事，因为过了"今天"一切都将会成为过去。

孕妇装

2010-05-29T14:40:00.109+08:00

由于肚子开始凸起来了，上班的裙子几乎都已经穿不下了；我先前已经上网买预购了几件孕妇装。现在是时候派上用场了。

为什么会上网预购呢？
是因为自己的身体个子矮小，而且市场上卖的孕妇装真的是超大码的，而且款式一般像睡衣．价钱并不便宜，每件孕妇裙子都大概需要 RM 80 ++

这几件联审裙子都是通过嗯咕咕商场［预购区］和在以下的网店买的：

艾琳媽咪屋　　www.immbaby.com
Alpha 妈咪工坊　www.alphamaternity.com

这两家网店是由同一个卖家经营的，个人觉得服务态度还蛮好的．

衣服的布料，并不是每一件都很理想，但有一些布料还是OK 的．不嫌弃的话，物质算是中规中矩，毕竟价钱也不会太贵．

初初穿上孕妇装去上班时，竟然也还没有人发现我怀孕．．好神奇．．．　不是说穿上孕妇装就会孕味十足的吗？

张某说不要开心得太早，也许是水肿还没有找上门罢了．．所以看起来还不像孕妇而已．．

第十六周- 产检４

2010-05-28T10:18:00.043+08:00

我亲爱的宝贝，十六周了，终于好不容易地踏入孕中期了，你还好吗？

护士姐姐说妈咪重了６公斤．．好夸张．是爹地的悉心照顾和爱心汤水太补了吗？的确妈咪的身体状态比之前真的好多了，不再无精打采拖着空躯去上下班．朋友还说妈咪好像精灵多了．

妈咪的腹部开始微凸了,医生说这代表宝贝在发育中，这让妈咪安心多了．医生也建议在这几周开始抽血筛检胎儿异常的几率，所以妈咪今天挨了一针，抽了不少血，过后抽血的部分呈现了黑青的状态．．爹地最怕血，所以妈咪被护士姐姐抽血的当儿爹地躲到外面去等候了．　

爹地最近真的好忙，除了自己要上班，又要给妈咪烧饭煲汤水又要送妈咪去上下班．这段日子，爹地为了宝贝也真的付出了不少，爹地说他无法感受妈咪怀孕的辛苦，唯一能够做的是协助妈咪度过孕期中的不适．

宝贝啊，爹地和妈咪都期待和你见面，所以你要健健康康平平安安噢～！

怀孕中的妈妈不孤单

2010-05-21T18:14:00.126+08:00

据说很多孕妇在孕期中很容易会产生忧郁症,恐惧症; 因为孕妇怀孕初期会担心宝宝会流掉,

怀孕中期又会害怕抽血检验又怕宝宝会有问题, 怀孕后期又会担心宝宝会难产, 生产过后有得担心宝宝健康的问题....要担心的事情还真不少呢..

发现怀孕以后,我也注册成为了许多孕妇/妈妈咨询的论坛或者奶粉公司的会员,过后就陆陆续续地收到了好多的Sample 奶粉, 或者供婴儿使用的小枕头,小被子,放奶瓶的包包,装宝宝用品的包包,宝宝的lotion , 洗澡水,Wet Tissue 等等...每一次去产检, 医生也会给我各个牌子的sample 奶粉..其实还蛮不错的,起码我都有机会尝试不同的奶粉再看看适不适合自己.

在孕妇/妈妈咨询的论坛网站里,我认识了许多的新手妈妈和经验老道的妈咪,经她们的指导而逐渐累积了不少新知识.

通过这些管道,可感觉到自己怀孕并不是独立面对的, 许多妈妈们也遇到格式各样雷同的问题, 大家相互安慰和鼓励对方跨过了一关又一关,直到顺利生下了健康的宝宝,然后顺利地享受坐月子的过程.

很感恩~!身边有许许多多的朋友和网友在身旁支持. 而怀孕对我来说是很幸福的..不知道为什么, 就觉得很幸福很开心就是了.

孕妇的尿液

2010-05-15T17:56:00.039+08:00

怀孕初期，就发现自己的尿液特别黄，粪便也异常的乌青色。。

我以为是自己热气吧，拼老命喝水。。结果因妊娠反应而吐完出来。

之后产检问医生，医生说：“小便黄是因为吃了因为pregnancy supplement 的缘故，而且粪便也会“青青“色的，不用担心“。
唉~！原来如此，害我担心的要命~！

爹地为宝贝付出的

2010-05-10T15:46:00.012+08:00

因为吗米孕吐很厉害,上下班都是一幅无精打采，好像要昏死的模样。产检时护士姐姐还说妈咪体重瞬速下跌了2 公斤。

爹地紧张到为此去了巴刹买了好几只乌鸡，杆旁鸡，排骨；再去药材店买了大包小包的汤料之类的咚咚。

一连几个星期都很补，几乎早晚都有不同的爱心汤，我最爱的白斩咸鸡还有雪尔红枣水。

还有哦，爹地坚持要买Safe Egg“贵蛋” 给宝贝吃。爹地说这蛋没有细菌，就算煮生熟给妈咪吃也无所谓，不会影响胎儿，为的就是希望宝贝能够健康些。。

这段日子还真的累垮了爹地。所以宝贝要平平安安健健康康地成长哦~！妈咪和爹地期待着和你见面。

Mum & Baby Expo

2010-05-07T15:14:00.087+08:00

今天是星期五，我请假了.

顺便去了一趟在Mid Valey 举办的Mum &　Baby Expo．

买了一打过期的［妈咪宝贝］和［妈咪宝宝］杂志．平时一本要价RM 8.00．

这次是５本RM 10.00 , 所以张某买了20 本让我回家慢慢看并且得到一包Free Gift 包含了一些婴儿的用品.

这次艾琳媽咪屋和Alpha 妈咪工坊也有参展，所以在其摊位卖了几件连身裙子和legging.

我并没有买什么宝宝的用品因为距离预产期还有段距离，这次只是想来做个survey, 因网友告诉我８月份，还会有另一场Mum & Baby Expo.　到时候再准备宝贝的用品也不迟．

逐渐尘封的部落格

2010-05-04T16:52:00.019+08:00

自发现怀孕后，就很少上网，部落格开始被我遗弃了；因为我已经开始经历280 天的妊娠期了。

发现宝宝的存在以后，我是迫不及待地想和身边的人分享这个好消息，但是母亲的一再叮咛“千万不要说给别人知道哦~怀孕初期的胎儿会特别小气!” ，让我有点恐惧。

虽然我不是很迷信的人,但这次我竟然也照做..呵呵...无奈！我只好把怀孕记载的心情暂时收藏着。这是为了不必要的担心，我只好把这份溜到嘴边的喜悦忍痛打注。

现在，终于可以公布全世界啦～各位。。。我怀孕啰。。。

也告诉了老板,希望他多体谅我这个大肚婆了..我在努力地对抗妊娠反应的折腾。

开心得太早!!

2010-05-02T17:56:00.012+08:00

今天是12 周的第3天。产检后回到家我还暗自庆幸自己比友人幸运多了,没有早孕症状。

结果第二天上班途中妊娠反应就开始了, 孕吐开始找上门了, 呕吐导致我头昏眼花致使我无法驾车上班。

后来,改由张某载送我上下班了.因为每天早上和旁晚都会不定时　吐,张某把"子孙桶" (结婚时买下的) 放在车内供我孕吐时使用。

除了孕吐,凌晨就开始尿频，肚子空虚，呕吐，头晕，好累好累... 如果不用上班让我在家睡个够多好啊~~! 那只是如果。。。。结果我还是得每天拖着没有力的躯体去上班。。。。

第十二周- 产检3

2010-04-30T17:44:00.006+08:00

亲爱的宝贝，

今天妈咪一下班就赶紧去做产检了，第一是太想念宝贝了，第二是医生给妈咪的维他命已经吃光光了。。为了宝贝的健康，妈咪和爹地就快快来见医生了最重要的是可以通过超波看见宝贝了。

医生说宝贝发育的好漂亮，可以看见手手和脚脚了。看见你想妈咪和爹地招手妈咪又忍不住流下了眼泪。。这是感动的眼泪..

第八周 - 产检2

2010-04-02T17:05:00.016+08:00

亲爱的宝贝,
进入第八周了终于听见宝贝的心跳声了.....妈咪不自觉地流下了眼泪..这是开心的眼泪.

因为宝贝真的好像有听见妈咪的心声,宝贝努力地让妈咪和爹地听见了你的心跳声，跳动的频率好快。

妈咪和爹地还不大会看超波的图片。听医生说宝贝的size 现在像粒小樱桃/小花生那样。。医生告诉妈咪可以发现Yolk & Sac 的话，胎儿看来比较稳定发展。再过几周才可以看见宝贝发育中的手脚哦。

宝贝，你要加油哦～！　妈咪和爹地一直陪着你成长噢～！　

医生说现在开始每个月做一次产检就够了,不用每个星期来... (因为妈咪之前太紧张,还没到产检的日子就迫不及待地催爹地载妈咪来做产检...其实妈咪是想通过超波再看看宝贝多几眼哦~!呵呵!)

第四周 - 产检1：小豆豆已经完成“着床”

2010-03-12T16:13:00.017+08:00

亲爱的宝贝，
今天是妈咪月经推迟的第10天。经过妈咪多番的自行测试，从验孕棒上得知的结果已经确定地发现了你的存在。妈咪迫不及待地催爹地载妈咪去了附近的妇产医生检查一番。

看，图片里像小豆豆的不就是你啦~！

医生看了2 D超波肯定地说看见小豆豆已经完成“着床”了，但是还没有心跳，这一周仍然是个胚胎而已。多两周得再做检查。到时候小豆豆应该要有心跳的了。宝贝，你要加油哦~！妈咪一直都在和你一起加油哦~！（妈咪的心情真得很紧张，希望宝贝可以平平安安健健康康地度过这几周哦！）

听朋友说怀孕时吐到要昏了过去。。。我想我比较幸运，目前没有什么妊娠反应。只是突然好快饿，感到很疲劳，尿频，肚子一直涨风，动不动就会不能控制地放屁。

真是尴尬! 这是前所未有的状况。。。爹地总是掩着鼻子埋怨妈咪是个放屁王~!!

Period Missing...

2010-03-10T13:57:00.008+08:00

Period missing since 4th FEB....

After missing period for a week, Hubby bought 3 pregnancy test kit from Watson's for me to check it out. I did a pregnancy test this evening... It shows me two clear red lines within a few seconds.We are very excited can hardly go back to sleep after that.

I used another pregnancy test kit did another round of pregnancy test in the next morning. Again, the two clear red lines appeared within a few seconds.

Hooray~~~ I'm pregnant!!! I'm pregnant!!!

Before going off for the CNY holidays...

2010-02-12T14:20:00.027+08:00

Its Friday again! And today is my last day of work before going off for the CNY holidays...
I'm so excited, well, not because of Chinese New Year of course, but it's because of i'm finally having a long holiday and i can go back celebrate with my family and relatives~~

Woohoo~~ I just can't wait to get back~~ :)
Tomorrow onward will be pretty quite in KL as most people took leave to go back earlier to their respective home town to celebrate the first ever Chinese New Year in this very decade.

Am heading back to my husband hometown tonight and will be coming back here on 21th FEB 2010, but I worry that we might stuck in a traffic jam as everybody will be going back to their hometown too. I HATE traffic jam very much and I will feel bored sitting in the car got nothing to do just sit & wait to we reach to our destination. Plus is very boring for me to sit inside the car. And I cannot sleep inside the car. =_=

I have packed my luggage already yesterday. I don't know what to put in so decide what ever things I like I put into it. And I hate when after travel I need to pack & remove plus clean my luggage bag again =_=

Anyway anyhow, no matter what time are you traveling back home, please do drive safely and ensure that you have fully rested before the journey and put safety at first place throughout the trip okay? Hehe.

Lastly, I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Healthy, Happy and Prosperous Year of the TIGER!

土拨鼠在这里恭祝大家新年快乐,在全新的一年里,

虎虎声威,

身体健康,

万事如意,

如虎添翼.

Yeah!! Finally I’ve got my Annual Bonus ....

2010-02-10T10:54:00.021+08:00

The Chinese New Year is around the corner and this year I heard that the company profit margin increased, everyone expects to receive bonus after working hard for a year.

10-FEB 2010
We have finally got the increment & annual bonus today!!
Well, it's not that bad as I have got great bonus than what I have expected. :) Most of our colleagues were very happy only some (minority) of the junior not entitled for Bonus 2009.

I'm grateful to the Almighty that I'm still visible to the Management. Besides, I'm truly thankful for the money I didn't have the day before but today sitting comfortably in my bank account.

Starwood Privilege Card

2010-02-06T11:18:00.245+08:00

I've been a member of Starwood Privilege Card for 2 years and am indeed pleased with the benefits they offered. I joined because the membership included min one night's free stay at 5 stars Hotel and somes complementary fine dinning vouchers. I heard about the Heavenly Bed in the Westin Hotel at that time and wanted to try it out... :P

The membership comes with a booklet of vouchers which includes free accommodation at a 5-star hotel of your choice, food discount vouchers and a free dining vouchers. Membership is renewable on an annual basis and the price of membership is now currently slightly increased to RM600 for a year’s which may sound expensive but when you realise that a free night’s stay in any one of their hotels could easily set you back RM400++, it does work out in the end!

I must say, the package is worth the RM600 I paid and it is The Best Hotel Membership Card in Malaysia.. Amongst all the benefits I get to enjoy, the following are just a handful.

1 Pc. COMPLIMENTARY ROOM CERTIFICATE
• Valid at Hotel Westin, Sheraton Imperial, Le Meridien or Sheraton Subang.
:) We used this for a free night stay at Hotel Westin KL

1 Pc. COMPLIMENTARY LUNCH/HIGH TEA /DIM SUM BRUNCH AT WESTIN KL
• One Complimentary dining certificate for 2 persons at The Westin Kuala Lumpur at a choice of 4 Restaurants
:) We used it for DIM SUM BRUNCH at EEST last weekend!

1 Pc. COMPLIMENTARY LUNCH/HIGH TEA/ BUFFET AT SHERATON IMPERIAL KL
• One Complimentary dining certificate for 2 persons at Sheraton Imperial at Essense Restaurants
:) We used it for high tea at ESSENSE during our stay at Westin KL!

1 Pc. COMPLIMENTARY LUNCH/HIGH TEA AT/ BUFFET AT LE MERIDIEN KL
• One Complimentary dining certificate for 2 persons at Latest Recipe Restaurants
:) Am considering of dining there with my husband on the coming weekend.

1 PcS. RM50 CASH DINING VOUCHERS AT WESTIN KL
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount
:) I used it for dinner at Prego with Hubby last week and the total bill came up to more than RM196 for the Italian Signature dinner! After using the RM50 cash voucher and 50% off the total bill with the Starwood Privilege Card, I only had to pay RM65.20 SWEET!!

1 PcS. RM50 CASH DINING VOUCHERS AT LE MERIDIEN KL
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount

1 PcS. RM50 CASH DINING VOUCHERS AT SHERATON IMPPERIAL KL
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount

2 Pcs. SPECIAL 50% DISCOUNT (RM250 NET) “WESTIN” ROOM CERTIFICATES
• RM 250 net - Valid any day – can use consecutive nights
• Room is for Deluxe City View category
:) It's a good deal !! The room rate is RM500++ so we will only be paying RM250/ night!!

3 PcS. RM50 CASH DINING VOUCHERS AT LE MERIDIEN KL
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount

2 Pc. GROUP DINING CERTIFICATE
• Enjoy 25% off total food & beverages bill - Valid for a min of 6 to a max of 12 persons

1 Pc. COMPLIMENTARY BOTTLE OF SELECTED STARWOOD WINE
• Valid at Westin KL, Hotel Imperial

3 PcS. X RM75 CASH DINING VOUCHERS
• Dinning at choice of 3 restaurants – Villa Danieli, Essence and Celestial Court.
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount

3 PcS. X RM50 CASH DINING VOUCHERS
• Dinning at choice of 3 restaurants – Villa Danieli, Essence and Celestial Court.
• CAN be used in conjunction with membership card discount

OTHER VOUCHERS LIKE ROOM UPGRADE, WEEKEND EXCAPE PACKAGE etc.

All these vouchers are fully transferable so you can give them away and beside that, you will get a supplementary card to give away to a loved one. Most hotel membership cards are only for use in one hotel but you have the choice of 4 hotels with Starwood Privige Card.

The best part of the Starwood Privilege card is its dining discounts.
50% discount when dining with one other person and 33% for 3 guests, etc. in the the 4 hotels - Westin, Sheraton Imperial, Sheraton Subang and Le Meridien as well as other Starwood Hotels in Asia Pacific. Hence, it is always most beneficial to dine in a pair as it allows you to sample gourmet food in a beautiful ambiance at very decent prices. It is really worth the money you gonna pay for the package!

I enjoyed the dining benefits they offered. It's a great way to treat the family to a lovely meal in a beautiful restaurant. Nevertheless, it is a good membership card especially if you love fine dining and 5-star hotel stays!

Anyway, you cannot choose to apply for this card. You need to be invited. So, if you are interested in getting this card, YOU CAN contact me if you require a referral for your application. You can check them out here or call +603-2711 7259/60 for more information.

立春

2010-02-04T14:42:00.051+08:00

今年的立春落在2月4日。所以今天是立春了。
立春—表示春天的开始也是代表新的一年的开始。
听说，一年一次的立春時，亦是地心吸力最強的時刻，所有圓形的物体，在這一天都能“站立”起來。
为了满足自己的好奇心我也来做个实验看看雞蛋可否真能竖起来，结果... .

戴佩妮《野蔷薇大马演唱会2010》

2010-01-16T17:08:00.207+08:00

土拨鼠很少看演唱会，这次是托张某兄弟（佳能十大摄影师之一）的福才得以协助摄影师之名而进入场观看。

这是戴佩妮出道十年以来，在大马举办的第一场演唱会。主题是以‘野蔷薇’为主，所以舞台上的数码布景在不同时段会发放不同的布景包括凝聚、凋零、含蕾至绽放，然后戴佩妮再以不同的歌曲及表演呈献这10年来所经历路程的心声。

个子小小的戴佩妮蕴含着10年的梦想，在演唱会上交足诚意，不但秀琴艺、弹奏吉他，还秀舞蹈，唱到《不想》时，戴佩妮旋即又跳上钢琴上边弹吉他边演唱。随后戴佩妮又走下舞台和观众近距离接触，许多歌迷纷纷涌向Penny身边，抢握手，抢拍照，造成现场一片混乱。

经过10年的淬炼，土拨鼠觉得戴佩妮的确进步了，从以往的青涩到如今幽默含蓄的从容，经过岁月的洗礼形成自己鲜明的锐变。

演唱会近尾声时，一共进行了两次安歌，歌迷都不愿离场，不断高声呐喊。工作人员纷纷劝请歌迷回家，歌迷在喧闹了大约5分钟之后惟有默默离开。

The Last Day of 2009

2009-12-31T13:42:00.011+08:00

I just back from lunch with my colleagues. I received an email from my hubby.... I was surprised... !!!
Dear,
are u busy? be happy...yah! coz today is the last day of 2009......
2010 onward we will have new life. I wish you Happy!!
from Hubby

:) Though it's just a few line with simple words but this really touched my heart... :)

Oh My Goss!?... Todays is 31st December 2009 Thursdasy alraeady, It's the last day of 2009. Time’s fly’s so quick?… Soon will be 01st January 2010 ... Friday and then the weeksends too. Aiyoyo hahahahaha?? I haves no plannings for the Saturdays and Sundays yet?!

Anyway, Good Bye .... 2009~~ Wishing all a Happy New Year! Cheers.....

The return of Cocorico ... :)

2009-12-31T10:08:00.004+08:00

It’s been so long since I last blogged. I think I’ve lost my touch
So here’s a short one, just to let y’all know I’m still alive and kicking ...

Short updates:-

I got married on 6th DEC 2009 ... the whole process of torturing the “HENG DAIs” was very fun for my “ZHI MUIs” .

Work has been good so far.... now waiting to get a year-end bonus :)

I’m heading to Bali on next 06th JAN 2010 Wednesday and back only on 15th JAN 2010!!! Weee heeeeeeeeee. SPA awaits me!!!

Hubby's Birthday

2009-12-15T00:54:00.002+08:00

Dear,
Here I wish you Happy Birthday and may your dream come true.
I, as a wife didn't buy him any pressies this year. :P But I've got a little surprise for him, of course not certified diamonds. .... .

Anyway, I bought him a birthday cake and we had a dinner night out at the KOREAN BBQ ( His favourites). My sister told me that I should buy a new wallet for my hubby as birthday gift. For Chinese, they believed more new wallets the man gets, the more money he has. I never heard of it before. May try it next year.... =0=

Well, I prefer to receive more CASH and I think my hubby will think the same too! :)

煮饭仔~ 清蒸白鲳鱼(Steam Fish)

2009-11-16T16:51:00.004+08:00

临别瓜雪时在当地的fish market 买了一些鱼，这是其中一条白鲳鱼,渔夫简略传授了如何烹调白鲳并且保留白鲳鱼的原汁鲜味~就是用清蒸的方式；鱼夫说清蒸能保持鱼的鲜美味道，口味清淡。

回到家张某迫不及待地把这条鲳鱼去鳞去内脏，清洗干净然后在鱼肚上切几刀。原本想洒少许盐在鲳鱼，据说可以去腥，但张某说来自渔村一带的朋友说，他们烹调鱼从来就不附加多余的配料，他说在大都市的餐厅大多都附加了好多配料，完全都无法尝到鱼真正的鲜甜味，没有多余的配料才能够吃到鱼的原汁原味。

所以这次用最简单的清蒸方式。
在蒸锅里加上热水(这样比较省电:P)再把锅盖盖好；开始用小火蒸10 分钟(因这白鲳鱼个子比较大）。
10分钟后关电，等5 分钟才把锅盖打开再把酱油+少许橄榄油（搅均匀）绕在白鲳上，然后上少许之前炸好的葱油。

就这样，清蒸白鲳鱼出炉啰！

与活佛结缘

2009-09-09T17:16:00.003+08:00

张某带我去了一个密宗的佛堂学习佛法；生平第一次遇见了位来自尼泊尔的所谓的尊贵“活佛”，年纪比我还要轻，但是相貌却很自然流露出有智慧既又祥和的感觉，一举一动都会受人尊敬。

一开始我就一直不能理解张某所形容的活佛，还提醒张某不要被“活佛”骗哦。（看————我确实对人超没信任感的:( ），有天我又要求张某带我一同去见见这个“活佛”看看他的葫芦里到底买什么膏药。

我一直抱着想要揭开这位活佛真面目的心态。
和活佛见面必须碰碰头以示顶礼，活佛很真诚地向我问好。一幅慈祥的笑容把我的距离感拉近了些。活佛的确能够看穿我在想些什么，但是活佛从不当众炫示自己的能力，但就是无意中我可以发现这位活佛的确知道我的过去而且知道我在想些什么。。好奇怪。。

这是我的经验。
第一次和活佛见面，我心想这位所谓的活佛会不会是神棍呢？
活佛开始在台前讲佛经时，我随着其他的信徒坐在前面听，其实我无法专心听教而且有点发呆，心里突发奇想，在心理念：“如果你真的可以read 我的mind 不妨举个手回应下啦。。。”　然后我索性在心里不断地念"活佛啊，你知道我在叫你吗？。。。你真的懂我在想什么吗？。。。”　原本整个佛堂充满着活佛演讲的声音，突然停顿了；活佛望着我举起了右手然后用标准英语问：“Yes ! I knew you... Are you calling me??!" 佛堂顿时变得一偏肃静；活佛一脸慈祥的样子续问“anything? if nothing we continue.... OK??"

我愣在一旁。。。。有点不好意思。。。又心惊！
左想右想,这怎么可能。　我内心讲的话是华语。。。咧；甚至是客家话，活佛怎么听得明白。。活佛是来之尼泊尔，除了尼泊尔文就是讲英语（这位转世的佛活在国外大学受英文教益，所以来到马来西亚都是使用英语和信徒交流）。活佛演讲完毕和我擦身而过时用手轻轻敲了我得头壳一下然后俏皮地说“...dont't play play。。”

自此以后才逐渐相信了这位转世的活佛。。就这样我开始成为了这位转世活佛的徒弟；后而向GURU学习佛法。
(徒弟称活佛为"GURU" 即是老师的意思）

封闭的我

2009-08-19T15:05:00.000+08:00

张某捂嘴得意笑问“怎么样？。。某个女人就快要成为张太了，心情怎么样。。?”
我忐忑的心又涌上心头“嘿。。。你等着瞧。。。”

不是开玩笑的我真的有恐婚的心态。结婚注册的日子愈逼近我越是没信心。往往有事没事去挑一些鸡毛小事要求张某延迟注册。

张某接着又说“你想做绕跑新娘啊？！” ————我没有回答。
结婚不是应该开心的吗？但是我超级恐惧。。。很怕。。。。愈想愈怕，愈想愈忧郁。。

不懂什么时候开始我就变得越来越胆小，很怕事；变成了一个典型没有安全感的人。驾车怕被别人的车子撞（张某有个同事的太太就是这样被罗里撞死。。我超记得这件事因为他太太发生车祸的日子是在情人节2月14日）。

看见黑漆漆的人就会联想到报纸报道女人被人性侵犯的新闻，想起就会发抖。。会联想到很多不好的事情发生；张某经常笑我排挤黑人。见到警察也怕（怕被屈）。
唉～～！我的确越来越神经质。。

经张某介绍，我认识了一些塔罗牌师傅和心理系的朋友；俩者和我做了简单的观察的治疗说我因为过去的一些事情或者记忆的创伤让我变成这样的一个胆小鬼，建议我做做精神治疗看看是否可以找到过去什么事情造就现在的我。治疗是做了，但是治疗师说什么都没看见因为我太过于封闭自己，治疗师完全开不到我的心轮。怎么办，我自己又学不会开心轮。于是，所谓的精神治疗就这样不了了之，没了下文。

Loan Appeal Letter Template

2009-08-17T21:07:00.005+08:00

其实我几乎忘了这件事—写信要求银行减低房屋贷款利息；经张某提醒终于在上个月提笔写了一封Loan Appeal Letter 给银行。
银行最近也回应了愿意提供更低的贷款利息~~
朋友们，我把信post 上来供大家参考书写方式，但是必须根据您自己的资料更改一些细节。
注：-土拨鼠的英文不怎么厉害，如有错误自行更改哦~！说好只供参考而已。

[每月一篇] 離開自己好久好久...

2009-08-05T23:22:00.004+08:00

忙過一天又一天
8月的第一个星期已近尾声
手头上的工作已经顺利完成

其实还有一个小时才下班，我突然空闲得有点茫。
打開视窗，想寫些東西
想讓這麼久的日子累積的思緒有個重整的機會
聽著音樂，卻發呆的盯著鍵盤
居然拼湊不成一個句子

从包包里拿起熟悉的日記簿
期待從當中得到文字開始的動力
看著紀錄生命的點滴
時而亮麗，時而灰暗
這一切的一切，都不過成了供自己玩味的回憶
對於過去，有些抱著悔恨，有些卻歡愉感謝
日记的左侧边有个小袋子夹着你写给我的一封信也是最后一封。
你离开以后我一直都戴在身边
遇见挫折的时候都会打开来看看
回忆当初的甜蜜感慨不已
我感謝曾經擁有的不論得到什麼
我說服自己不要重蹈覆轍的後悔

毕竟不是每一样事情失去了能够要得回来
就像拍照那样，错过了的景点是无法重来的。

是該回家了
離開自己很久很久的自己
該回到自己的身邊了

為事工生活
為人際生活
為喜歡的人生活

忘了，自己離開自己好久好久...

◎图片人物 . 土拨鼠@coco
◎摄影师 . 张某 & Mintze

沒人是完美的

2009-07-25T23:29:00.005+08:00

想和大家分享一下這位才華洋溢已故的導演 —雅斯敏阿末（Yasmin Ahmad）導演拍摄的杰作。
這是則極震撼的廣告片—[沒人是完美的]所謂的真正的愛情就是接受你伴侶的不完美。
它是一則「支持婚姻」（pro-marriage ）的廣告，據說兩年前新加坡曾有一場市調，顯示許多適婚的新加坡年輕人仍在待婚因為找不到完美對象。
因此新加坡國家級的「社區發展部」拍攝（Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports ）了這則廣告用來「促婚」的，這則「促婚影片」只有3分鐘又2秒。

主角是一位印度裔太太，悼念著她剛死去的華裔老公。
她的悼詞和大家預期不同，她竟然當著全體親友描述著她老公在床上如何的「打鼾」和「放屁」，還當場模仿這些聲音！
如果老公還活著，應該會窘得想找一個洞鑽吧。
這部影片的開始，司儀說：「李太太（即那位寡婦），妳應該有些話想說。」
這位太太上台了，全場靜默。
「今天，我不是要來讚美的，我不會說他有多好，因為很多人都已經說了。今天我想和大家分享一些可能讓大家比較不自在的事。」
她說，「我想先從他在床上的表現說起。」
台下觀眾眼神都是問號，看著她繼續說－－
「你們都有碰過，早上啟動汽車引擎啟不動的狀況嗎？」
當場她學了發動引擎的聲音，但聽起來根本就是打鼾聲。這位寡婦學得嘴巴都歪了一邊了，這樣鼾了兩趟，然後幽幽的說：「well，大衛（她的老公）的打鼾，完全像是這樣。」
大家開始笑了，鏡頭轉到她的女兒，表情顯然有點怪，大概是不解為何媽媽要說這件事？有些老夫妻也一邊笑一邊微皺眉頭，這場合好像說這種事不太對吧？
「但，打鼾只是開始，」寡婦繼續說：「他，也會……放屁！」，好像好多人都有類似的經驗呢。「有些晚上，他放屁放得太大聲，還會被自己驚醒！」
全場更是會意的笑了，她說，「大衛會驚慌的問，那……那是什麼聲音？」
「這時候我會說，親愛的，是隔壁的老狗在放屁啦，放心繼續睡吧！」鏡頭轉到好幾個太太笑得摀嘴，坐在旁邊的老公面露尷尬。
台上的寡婦，此時語氣一轉。
「你會覺得，這很好笑是嗎？」她緩緩的說，「不過，當大衛真的病得很重時，這些聲音至少讓我知道，我的大衛『仍然活著』。」
她轉頭望向大衛的遺照，哽咽了：「現在……我終於再也無法在睡前聽到這些聲音……。」
全場有如冰凝。
「到生命的最後，」鏡頭轉向這位寡婦孤單的身驅，看到她緩緩的說。
「總是這些小小的事情，讓我們永遠記得。」
（In the end, it ’ s these small things that you remember. ）
「是這些小小的不完美』，一起組成生命的『完美』。」
（It ’ s these little imperfections that make them perfect for you. ）
鏡頭轉向她的兒子和女兒，兒子大約高中年紀，女兒是初中年紀，他們看著台上的母親，專心聽著媽媽說話。
「所以我想告訴我的子女，有一天，你也能找到你們生命中的伴侶，他們會像你爸爸在我眼中一樣『不完美得很美』。」
（So, to my beautiful children: One day, you too find yourself life
partners, who are as BEAUTIFULLY IMPERFECT as your father was to me. ）
她講完後，彷彿如釋重負，回到一個仍要照顧小孩的媽媽，收起悲傷，堅強起來，擁抱她的小孩。觀禮的全都沒有痛哭失聲，竟都看著前方，那是一種吃驚，這些文字的重量竟然這麼重的飄在空中、壓在心裡。這三分鐘的片也旋及走到尾聲，最後，這則廣告的結束詞是──「Family 」。
中文版，則是一個──「家」字。
注：广告翻译摘之友人的一封email .

寒意袭人

2009-07-16T21:04:00.013+08:00

5:30pm 手机嘟嘟。。。嘟地响。
张某在电话里说今晚无法和我吃晚餐因为有点事情。。。
听见张某有点焦虑的声音，我问他发生什么事呢？
张某才失落地说。。明福坠楼了。。。要和友人去医院看看。。。
我还来不及反应。。。张某又继续。。你还记得吗？昨天那个被雪州反贪污委员莫名其妙扣押的那个—欧阳捍华政治秘书赵明福.
我有点吃惊且不敢相信。。。昨晚看着报章报道雪州反贪污委员没有庭令既没有索查令切可以无端搜查欧阳捍华的办公室时候，我有点愤怒地问张某为什么可以这样子。。太过份了，这是什么国家。。什么条例？？

昨晚看见明福的照片是这样的。
今晚却变成了这样图片和消息来源：当今大马

真的不敢相信自己的眼睛。。。到底发生了什么事？？。。。
好好的一个青年被扣押了一晚后就离奇死亡。雪州反贪污委员第一时间做的动作竟然是不知道/怎知道他会去跳楼。。。

通过张某和明福有过几面之缘。。聚在一起吃过steamboat.. 虽然没有和他说过多少句。但是听张某说他是一个充满理想的热血青年。。。毕业于国大，曾任星洲日报驻加影记者，去年308大选过后，受聘沙登州议员为政治助理。

最近，反贪污局就选区内的拨款是否循私舞弊，於昨日搜查欧阳的办公室，以协助调查之名被带走后就无法联络上，从此生命也就此结束。

人长得高高大大享年30岁，一夜间就这样突然离奇死亡了，听见这个消息，心里一直无法平复很是难过。他的未婚妻，父母和家人的感受是如地何悲愤不用多说都可想而知。。。

看看当今大马的新闻的报道雪州反贪污委员的回应你会更加愤怒。

苏克里：不知有没有闭路电视
纳兹里：我们怎知道他要跳楼？

这两个人毫无承担责任的意思相反马上第一时间说的就是不知/没看见/没有闭路电视。。。总之言下之意是“他的死不管我们的事 ”

死的青年不是自己的骨肉，不是自己的孩子所以话才说得如此不关要紧。尚若有天这两个毛驴的孩子突然离奇死亡了看看他们到时会如何追究到底抑或会同样说“我怎知”。

明福。。一路走好。。

不管反贪污委员会如何解释，没有多少人会再选择相信。

太多疑点：- 雪州反贪污委员的第一反应是“我们那里懂他会去跳楼，民联不应盲下定论。。。”

许多博客不谋而合地发表了同样的疑惑:-

关键是雪州反贪污委员怎么会第一个就下定论说是明福跳楼了！？？
他们又怎么知道是明福跳楼而不是意外，或者是他杀。。难道有证人目击过程还是有幕后黑手制造自杀假象混淆罪证????!!!!!

这个国家真的病得太严重了。
不管反贪污委员如何辩驳，公信力已经蕩然無存，我深信明福不会自杀也不是单纯的意外。

Snap shot from PD shooting Part IV 丑女变形记

2009-05-15T15:48:00.015+08:00

We have finally finished our pre-wedding photo shoot at PD!!
Monliza really has a nice professional crew member and all of them are super fun and professional. We have started as early as 7.30am and finished at 6pm. Everything went well for us and even the weather sided us with clear blue sky for the whole day! As always, taking most of the time is the first bride's make-up, subsequent make-up takes less than 30 mins.
So, overall, it was really a great experience. A BIG thank you to all of the ML staff that get involved in the trip and to those who have helped us so much.

Thankfully everything went smoothly and we all enjoyed the trip. I was really exhausted at the end of the days, therefore i didn't reply/ response to the email ; sms and the thread in the forum, please forgive me!

My hubby snapped some shots during the PD shoot and hence we get to show you what to expect for our pre-wedding photos, in which we will get the softcopy in few months time. So here they are my PD photos shoot preview:

这几天，手机不断传来有讯息的铃声。。
几乎知道我去拍照的朋友，网友，家人都不断追问怎样~~怎样？照片咧~？分享下啦~！！
我都没有及时回复... （很抱歉，拍完照后断断续续地生病了好几天）
直到今天开始上班，我查询email 看见朋友催促要看照片才又想起来。

在家上网的宽频速度有限，尝试把上照片一张张上传到facebook好多遍都失败了。
最后我想到了一个方法，嘻嘻制作成video 不就省功夫了吗~！？看的人也不用一张张照片翻。

其实，我想感谢两个女人，俩为我化妆的女人November和Doris。
这一集的Video 都是Doris 为我化妆做造型的画面居多.
上一次的拍摄我的造型是November包办的，但很遗憾当时没有多余的时间snap ，所以无法做成video了.
但是还是衷心的想感激她那样细心的帮助我。

The making of Happy Bride :) Video (Turn on speaker!!)
Before you play this video please goto the left siderbar turn off the bear bear music player

Snap shot from PD shooting Part III 人生旅途的过客

2009-05-15T14:36:00.011+08:00

五月
天气很炎热
幸好有你们同在我的人生旅途里才累计多了一篇难忘的回忆 :)

自签购婚纱配套以后，很多网友，朋友纷纷好心给了不同的意见和评论。
有者叫我要选谁选谁，有者告诉我哪个最好哪个很不好。有者甚至说我选错了婚纱店。。。不管怎么样很感激你们提供的资料。

我想自己是很幸运的，目前为此并没有遇上类似网友们说的倒霉事件。
我接触过的人都很专业也很热心，不管是摄影师，化妆师，录影师，门市小姐或先生，即使是帮忙拿道具指导我们摆pose的小助理们站在炎热的太阳底下都还是很耐心很nice的在指导和帮助新人....

以下这三个瓜可不是省油的灯；他们是专业的化妆师，化妆的时候态度超认真的，除了化妆一级棒之外,玩闹起来真的会笑爆灯。。

1,2,3... 来个五连拍：-

One是个大声公
只要是在化妆的凉亭里的范围内,不时会听见他的笑声;不然就是帮忙Alfred 喊失去踪影的新娘们就位准备拍摄.
November 就像个大孩子,开始和她讲话她会显得不好意思和小心翼翼的感觉,聊一聊后...气氛热闹了,她就活泼鬼马了.
One 和November 最鬼马搞怪的! 看看图片你就懂.
Doris 怎么摆样子就是有型,他的样子生俱来就是酷的.
张某说她有点像"鬼婆";因为鼻子高又挺的样子蛮特别的.

这两位很有性格的女人很鬼马又好玩，她们真的很nice 又细心。。:)
中间那个粉红公主就是gerumibear 啦!!
当天幸好有她在陪我, 因为其他的couples 我都不认识.

Snap shot from PD shooting Part II 我一直以为...

2009-05-15T14:05:00.004+08:00

我一直以为张某没有为我拍到多少张照片，害我一直在旁碎碎念近乎唠叨『你看人家的老公都一直在为老婆拍，你..你干么就不能拍一些些... :( 』

原来~~
张某说趁我不留意时就已经snap了很多张。。嘻嘻 ~！？

Snap shot from PD shooting Part I 波得申婚纱拍摄花絮

2009-05-14T20:36:00.012+08:00

亲爱的朋友们，
想要知道我这次拍摄的过程吗？请看这遍了。我很懒惰逐一回信，因为生病了。
因为自己的手机无法照相所以在我任性地哀求下，张某叫我躲到别的地方拍摄一些花絮草草了事地安抚我。。
之前不懂为什么张某千万个不愿意为我拍。
后来，他才告诉我有专业摄影师在场拍照时，不该乱照，这是大忌。即使是自己在帮人照相时也不喜欢别人在旁乱照。原来如此。。:p
这次的造形和妆是由Doris 一手包办，造形一完成后我就逼不急待地和朋友们分享我的造型了。
看贝。。。我的头饰都是美美闪闪发亮的。不要怀疑我说的话，你们自己看图片头饰都是美美完整无缺的。

拍摄过程一切都很顺利，一伙玩闹在一起超开心的。尤其November, Doris，Mr.One，Alfred 还有 Ah Bui 这几个古灵精怪的造型师,门市助理还有MV 禄影师Ah Bui闹出的笑话还真不少。他们也并不是传说中所说的那样地冷漠。

摄影师还有助手们真的劳苦功高，真得很辛苦，提着笨重的相机在海滩晒了一整天！！
一大早就看见大师们在海滩寸步不离地设立摄影布景，然后开始拍摄直到黄昏还躺在海滩上为新人们拍日落。新人们并没有在海滩晒一整天都纷纷躲在凉亭里纳凉。到了旁晚，我的身体已经开始无法支撑，有中暑的征兆了，头昏脑胀，车子一到家，我就冲进厕所吐个没完没了。

本人拍摄完毕后回到家，就生病昏睡了两天。真的很佩服当天的摄影师和助手们那么的敬业完成整个艰辛的任务。
开心~！

这就是我这一次婚纱拍摄的经验啦。有空再续。我要zZZ.

后记:-
有人问ah pui 是谁?
嗯..其实我不懂他的名字,他是当天负责走来走去为新人们录影的师傅.
我们正在拍摄时,他都会不时冒出来拍MV 的.

很好笑的是每次摄影师准备好镜头要拍照时,他会突然杀出来"来~~~不好意思,不好意思,给我几分钟~哦~~~ ", 然后不自觉地他的背影就遮挡住摄影师的镜头, 然后米高先生就装作发狂要把鞋子抛过来的样子... ah pui却不懂发生什么事....呵呵..

注意:-
要用手机拍照的朋友们切记：- 凡是婚纱店所提供的布景，千万别乱照，因为那些布景只供婚纱拍摄而用的。

Gown Fitting @ MON'LIZA WEDDING CASTLE for PD trip

2009-05-05T08:02:00.009+08:00

Dong.... dong... dong.... chiang .....
I went for PD gown fitting yesterday after work. It was a fast session. I did not have much expectations for the PD gowns before I go; but I know what type of gowns suits me and what I want!
My appointment was fixed at 7pm and I reached there at about 6pm. Tried more than 10 gowns and finally settled down with 1 WG and 1 EG.
Carmen, helps me on my fitting was so busy running up and down to serve their cutomer and looks very tired.... she is not feeling well.... kesian~~!
Overall, I’m very satisfied and happy with their service. And I hope that they gonna be as professional as they claimed to be until I make my final payment to them.
Anyway, here’re some pics that i took during the PD gown fittings. Let you have a peep.. dont laugh at me yah i know my hair looks "funny" and i looks kinda dull wihtout makeup!

Nah... This is the selected gown.

[试拍] 压光拍摄 | Strobist II

2009-04-28T20:54:00.020+08:00

GD. Mervyn MUA. November
PG. Axwind & Mervyn

上的照片是老公的兄弟Mervyn Tan用心之作

注明：

以上的照片是老公和好摄的朋友-Mervyn Tan 在废墟学习拍摄STROBIST技巧；不是在Monliza 拍摄的。不要再误会。

November 是Monli'za Wedding Castle 的MUA，化妆/造型技术超好，如有兴趣可电联Monli'za

Mervyn Tan是位Interior Designer - 摄影和Graphic Design 超棒的艺术家

Axwind 是张某，张某 - 是我的老公

我是 Monli'za 的顾客不是staff

Anonymous/匿名者不要再怀疑

[试拍] 压光拍摄 | Strobist I

2009-04-18T03:51:00.005+08:00

应张某要求一起去学习压光拍摄，在网路上看了许多strobist的指导；今天终于要来个尝试。以下图片都是原版未经修改；因为有点小忙，先放一些些照片上来做个记录。图片上传后会遭到压缩所以就变成那么小张。

这不是婚纱照——只是张某要人物和背景有个强烈对比而已，所以要我打扮美美但是又要带点酷酷地在废墟理游荡的感觉。我只是抱着玩玩的心态去享受拍照的过程。张某和朋友-Mervyn可能比较认真了一些。。。post 上来并不是最好的照片，但是我不care, 因为纯粹想记载一下我接触过的人和事物的过程。

朋友说有点象拍杂志？！

这是在黑漆漆的屋内拍的，自己制造光

flash几乎用尽了 flash几乎用尽了

老公经常笑我像土拨鼠:(

土拨鼠：“我比人还漂亮哦... :)”
这是典型的大头照，被photokaki 作弄；一直叫我靠近镜头，出来的效果就变形了

如果不打FLASH ，屋子里边举手是不见五指的。
我一直在念哦弥陀佛，god bless me~~
在等待摄影的人调灯光

其实，这间屋子也没什么,就是外观阴深了一些里面黑漆漆，是网路的摄影发烧友介绍的。

后面的那两个Mervyn & M 的老婆一直在玩相机。。

年轻既又调皮的造型师—November 和土拨鼠合照

她很古灵精怪, 感觉她就好像小妹妹那样。。。真想捏她的脸。

November - 是Monliza Wedding Castle 的专业造型师

造型: 烟熏妆

Model : 土拨鼠

服装：- DIY 的裙子在泰国买的- RM2 +R ibbon

道具：- 红色丝带RM5 >自制的红色绣球

PG:- Axwind & Mervyn

地球日

2009-04-17T19:50:00.001+08:00

与张某在IKEA 闲逛，巧碰IKANO正进行地球日嘉年华的活动。N年前，我俩在网路上参与了一些环保意识的网站，但是该环保网络的活动大多都是在外国进行。

马来西亚是在最近几年才开始发动起爱地球的讯息，虽然有点后醒后觉但总比没有知觉来得好。地球嘉年华会虽然不大，但里头的内容很丰富！传达一些环保意识例如我们为何不要用塑料袋、塑料瓶子、纸巾、宝丽龙饭盒等等。也向我们传达在日常生活里如何减少垃圾的制造，并通过循环使用让垃圾发挥它其他的功能。此外，嘉年华里也有售卖许多的环保用品、护肤品，这些用品的制作过程都符合环保的要素。

嘉年华会里头也有卖食物的摊子。绝大部分的摊位都是售卖有机的食物！另一旁有两个日本环保份子利用一些原始的乐器在演绎多首自创的歌曲。音乐内容大概和环保有关，有些曲子是英语有些是日语。张某很是好奇，买了一片他们自己录音的CD 表示支持他们。

我们为地球做得实在太少了，所以在这里有个小小的呼吁，大家把环保袋带在身上,让我们减少并停止使用塑料袋！
塑料袋要五百年才能分解！我们也不希望地球上都是不能分解的垃圾吧？！

地球日嘉年华的布置还蛮有艺术味道的, 顺手用手机拍下环保份子精心制作的环保作品做一个纪录:-

由早上逛到旁晚，结果忍不住诱惑，走去IKEA 吃了这两个咚咚。

易燃的我

2009-01-02T16:30:00.000+08:00

「ICQ上的妳，很不一樣。」

這是我們第一次交談，某個短暫的停頓後，你傳過來的訊息。而在我們真正陷入愛戀之後，你更訝異於我的表裡不一。這樣一個冰火共存於體內的女子。

對於世間的一切，我總是極度抽離，冷眼看著周遭人事流轉，從不在人前洩露任何情緒，微笑永遠淺淡有禮。生活不就是那樣嗎？相同的情節在不同人身上循環著，又何必耗費心神。

你也曾因我的孤絕而卻步，你說，我的表情疏離冷淡，讓你感覺不到愛情的溫度，摸索不出任何動心的蛛絲馬跡。你幾次碰壁一度瀕臨放棄。

我是該感謝你的救贖。是你鍥而不捨一再嘗試，才能突破我無意識間為保護自己而設下的層層心防，開啟我從未甦醒的熾烈心境。

如果不是你，我可能永遠都不知道，自己原來如此易燃。

一張桌子

2009-01-02T15:05:00.000+08:00

你說你給我一分鐘的形容這一張桌子。。。。開始！

這是一張小小的桌子，最多只能容納兩張椅子的對望，適合戀人。
木制﹐ 四只腳。右邊一只腳不知為何墊上了一張厚紙。
你說是讓它繼續“活”下去而做的犧牲。
桌面亮得几乎把你攮在里面，但仍有些日子的證明。
你看那邊有一條長長的刮痕。
你指著刮痕說﹐ 這是我未修指甲搞出的禍﹐像不像河流？
我不禁笑了几聲。
你應和几聲開始默然起來。

風掠過桌子上玻璃瓶里折斷的玫瑰。
玫瑰因風而亂了思緒 ﹐ 亂了你。風也亂了。
你問我
這一張桌子﹐ 為了什麼而買下它？
我坐下椅子，把臉靠近你。。。這一張桌子。。。
“ 這一張桌子，是我花了一輩子去形容這一張桌子上的你。”

你笑得燦爛。。。
你說要罰我用一輩子的時間去形容這一張桌子。。。。。。。開始 ﹗ ﹗ ﹗

一只蝴蝶

2008-12-18T15:18:00.000+08:00

The best I can do without a macro lens. :-)

一只蝴蝶
只為追尋一片雲彩
躍出了軌道
嘗盡痛苦的快樂
黃昏後忘記了歸路
是否無法再回頭
生活就是這般無助
片片的回憶
無法碰觸。。。

谁会先被逼疯

2008-08-27T21:36:00.001+08:00

临下班，窗外的大雨似乎没有停的迹象；办公室的人好像都没有离开；我和几个同事聊了起来。
Ryan 说他有时很受不了他的老婆，有时明明上班就要迟到了，她的老婆还在房间里铺床叠被子。据说如果没有把床和被子叠好再去上班，可能会心神不宁。
而Kent 说，他以前的那个女朋友，如果做爱做到一半时，看见有衣服或内裤被丢在地上，会马上下床把内裤或衣服叠好再回到床上继续做。大伙听了哇哈哈地笑了起来。。
潘潘却说她的丈夫临上班前一定要上厕所做大号。如果没有上到厕所就出门一定会焦虑不安。潘潘又说因为害怕迟到，他特地早一些把丈夫叫醒，可是她的丈夫说太早没感觉，还没到最高境界（意思是还没有要放大号的感觉）;一定要在出门前才上！
后来我跟我哥哥聊的时候也发现，大嫂出门前一定要吹头发。不管快要迟到了还是什么急事，头发一定要先做好，头发若吹不好就不出门。
然后跟我姐姐聊起，她说有时候也很受不了她的先生。她明明把衣服叠好好放进了衣柜里，他会在受不了的时候，把整个衣柜里的衣服都翻出来重叠重新分类，显然得他对我姐姐的分类法是不赞同的。（这样讲好像我们全家很邋遢．）
我常在想，婚姻的生活真的可以改变一个人的生活方式吗？
像一个随性的人跟一个有洁癖的人在一起，不知道是谁会先被逼疯。
好在我自己一个人住，我一个星期洗一次衣服，两三天才整理一下家里。偶尔煮完饭后不洗碗都没有人骂我。　邋遢还是洁癖也好，　谁也不会给谁逼疯的。　

可不可以最後一次牽我的手

2008-08-26T21:05:00.001+08:00

紧紧地随着他的脚步走在路上，我仍啜泣著。我加快了脚步希望和他的步伐一样，终于走到了巴士车站。我们一起等巴士,一起上车，一起找位置坐了下来，两个人还是肩靠著肩，卻要演兩個陌生人。

我不能接受，我低着头，眼泪直流。「可不可以最後一次牽我的手」我用微弱的音量吐出了心裡的欲望，近乎哀求啊！我怎麼會如此卑微乞憐！我不知道。

他很快用左手牽起我的右手，緊緊握住。我心頭一陣暖，好高興。但接著又一陣酸，眼淚又不聽使喚，沿著臉頰，彷彿依著剛剛的痕再度順流而下。

在巴士上，從頭到尾我們沒再說過一句話，他没有再看我一眼，我始終低著頭，而他好像是一直看窗外吧。我看著他的大手，感覺到他握著我的力道，感覺到他應該也有濃濃的不捨。

车到站了，他把手鬆開，我說了句：「啊！到了」。我恍恍惚惚地下了车，心里分外难过。他很俗氣的对我說：「分手以后我們還是好朋友。」「可不可以给我一个拥抱」我一臉的哀愁又开始要求了。他刚刚呈現"友誼長存"的樣子开始显得极度不耐烦了「你不要这样子好不好！？」我抓紧他的手歇斯底里地哀求着「不要不理我，不要。。。我不要。。不要分手好不好。。。。不要。。。。不要。。。不要。。。我不要。。」眼泪不停地在眼眶打转。

他把手一甩匆匆地和我说了句「你回家吧」然后轉身就走開，我的心像玻璃碎片一样洒了满地。。。我随着他的身影往他走的方向走去，走了三步就停住，看著他的背影，直到他的背影淹沒在路的盡頭。我的情绪久久无法平復，想了许多许多。。漸漸回到「現實」，回到我早就培養得差不多的認知。对，我不能強求一个不再爱我的人留下来。不能因为我爱他他就得留下来，即是他已经不在爱我了。如果我的爱已经变成了他的压力，我愿意放手。為了體諒他的處境，為了他無限可能的未來。我没有再缠着他。

Saya ANTI-RASUAH

2008-08-24T20:56:00.003+08:00

我坐在朋友的车子里，突然前方冒出一位警察指示朋友把车子停在路旁。
“Tadi lepas lampu merah. Macam mana awak boleh jalan?” 戴着墨镜的警察问.
“Ya ka? Tadi saya nampak lampu kuning saja. Kami urgent, jadi saya jalan,” 朋友解释.
我看见警察的袖子挂着一个徽章 " SAYA ANTI-RASUAH"
“Macam mana~~?? Mau settle sekarang ge tak nak...? " 警察问。片刻警察又说"Bagi lah, bagi lah”
我的朋友尝试求情：“Aiya, encik ，tadi emmang lampu kuning saja, boleh tolong ke?”
“Bagi la, sekarang biznes tak baik. Bagi. Bagi. " 警察拿着罚单在朋友的眼前摇摆着。
我沉不住气：“Encik, Bukan Anti-Rasuah ke?”
朋友用手肘推我一下要我闭嘴。
我小小声地向朋友说：“I want to take his face and his badge name’s photo. He was asking for bribe when he’s a policeman! Hypocrite! “
朋友紧张地打不要的手势又说：“No..no..it would be more convenient and cheaper if I settle now....."
警察开始不耐烦了："Jadi saman la~~” 开始在记录簿上写了起来。
"Encik jadi kena bayar berapa?" 朋友赶紧问。
警察不耐烦地回答："Awak tengok surat khabar la."
“WHAT? He didn’t know the rate?“　我怀疑地问我朋友
我再次问我的朋友："Just now I didn’t see the traffic light.. really yellow already?"
“Yes.. yellow light already."朋友肯定地回答。
虽然朋友没有冲红灯，但是肯定逃不过被“屈“了；　钱一定会给但是不能这样给。"then you should not give the bribe" 我尝试劝朋友拿罚单不要让警察 “吃钱”。
警察听见我在干扰朋友就丢下了罚单然后匆匆骑着摩多就离去了。
“I really hate government staff who are corrupted. But it is certainly easier and cheaper for you if the police accepted the bribe even after my ‘bad-mouth’. The police will also happy - he gets pocket money if he accepts the bribe but he gets nothing from writing a saman except maybe good performance record. Maybe the government should introduce commission rate for traffic police haha." 我带着嘲笑的语气说，因为朋友差一点就要给警察“kopi " 钱，这是很不好的习惯。
“Actually if there is no offender and no corruption, this wouldn’t happen. But our salaries (civilians & police) are not increasing as much as other living expenses like food, petrol, etc....The police claimed the salary given by the government is not enough. What’s the true story? There are so many corrupted police (and equally corrupted civilians) - so why should they be given high salary? And how do the government/higher level determine which police is corrupted or not?" 朋友愤愤不平地抱怨着。
我有点不好意思，朋友原本打算给钱警察了事的，因为我的bad-mouth 朋友被逼拿罚单了。所以我向朋友说, "I pay half la."

朋友说不用紧，不过我决定了要付一半，如果他不接受，我还是要请他吃一顿大餐奖励他没有给贿警察。

Dead Woman

2008-06-18T16:07:00.000+08:00

I was trying in vain. I wrote him a letter, a damn long one. I was in the office when i received his reply. I was just stoned, at first i didn't hv the courage to open that mail, i sensed it wasn't gonna be something cheerful. I had prepared for the worst, I felt i couldn't feel any worse, i killed my fear and read it. Half way thru it there was already a string of tears sliding down my face, i cudn't cry any harder, so quietly, when the guy (Joseph) sitting next to me turning to talk to me, i think i scared the hella him, so I ran away. I went somewhere else where there was no one to judge me crying in the middle of the day like it's the end of the world. I cried for everything I could, for my toutured soul, broken heart...for a while, i've been like a dead woman trying to look ok, but i wasn't.

崩潰

2008-04-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

身軀無意識的隨擁擠人潮流動心神恍惚，思考著你這一陣子來的封閉冷漠你知道嗎？

我是多麼努力尋找你鬱悶疏離的關鍵源頭想盡千方百計，試圖喚回你以往的笑容神采常常想著想著眼眶就濕了... .

在辦公室、在家裡的浴室我無時無刻不想著你，情緒緊繃到了極點，隨時可能就地崩潰。

我―― 是多麼害怕失去你

What I'm Going To Do

2005-12-10T02:38:00.001+08:00

I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago. I came to the conclusion that I have just been wasting my life and time. I've thought of some things I am going to do to get myself back in the right track.

Now I am JUST living. I don't want to JUST live, I want to LIVE as myself.
Until I try to get things figured out, I'll be trying to keep my head up for another day.
My mind is tricking me so much, I don't really know what it is thinking, how it is working, or if it is working.
I hope your lives are going great.

Writing Therapy

2005-12-10T02:30:00.001+08:00

Changing oneself is a risky thing.

There's self-improvement, and then there's selling out. In my case, though, I know that I want to change. But getting to that knowledge required much thought, including writing the following.

It's hard to be strong all the time.
Try to walk away and I stumble.

I sleep badly, get hungry, can't eat, but keep moving. Standing still lets the doubt catch up. It's the doubt that kills, that brings the questions. Best to keep writing answers instead.

How can I be so miserable yet productive?
It's because you're strong, my friend says.
I am? I asked.
I see, maybe.

Change is superficially for the better. But how does one change without compromising oneself? If I want to be better, what parts do I keep? Remember, the world sees only the outside.

Am Still Alive and Kicking...

2005-12-10T02:05:00.002+08:00

Hmmm ... it's awfully quiet in here. I'm still on hiatus, but I couldn't stand to see the inactivity on the blog! It's killing me. Ha. I have been away from weblogging for such a long time now that it is kind of hard to figure out where to begin. I knew it was bad when folks were sending me emails and asking why I hadn't posted any new content recently.

Anyway, I am alive and kicking. There has been a bunch of things going on in my offline life and doing them properly was a higher level of importance. On top of that, I haven't had too much that's interesting going on lately, except for work, work, worrrrrrrrrk. My dreams needed tending, they needed nurturing to remain alive.

So, I'm going to take a break from blogging. Normal posting would resume once I get back from KL next weekend (And when my machine's all set to go. It needs to have some time off too).

Roller Coaster Mood

2005-08-01T15:24:00.001+08:00

Recently I have been through roller coaster mood, and i can\'t help but wondering, why would things always happen? Friends said everything happens for a good reason, but for me, everyday\'s news update is just another heartbeat.

I always thought i had the capacity to face the truth. Yet when reality hits, I freak out, even though I don\'t act like i do. In fact, truly truth doesn\'t come to you until you are the last person to find out, because it\'s been kept intentionally until the time it can\'t be covered any more.

Life has ups and downs, I\'ve been taking the ups for granted, and I rarely think about what i don\'t deserve. What goes around comes around, it is now my turn to test my capacity of handling my life in downs.

Well, things can\'t be worse before they can get better, can they? Determination. I figured that i\'ve got nothing to loss, becuase everything i care, I already lost.

The mistakes you made this time around, you will have to live through it.........

Brimful of CD's......

2005-07-30T00:31:00.006+08:00

I'm a crazy woman in love with music. I used to steal these particular CDs from my brothers. He'll find them missing and know to come looking for me:P .......

The Beatles, like the absolute best band ever.
My brother has a huge collection of CDs (thousands, really). Now usually, my brothers has a nasty habit of untidiness. I should know since I pick up after him. He'll leave coffee cups under his bed for DAYS; comes home from work and removes his socks only to leave them on the floor. I'll clean up the coffee table and it'll be all organized over the weekdays, but come the weekend- it's completely messed up by his paraphernalia. So for him to have his CDs kept soooo nicely in a quaint little corner is really something quite new to me.

I love coming to his CD Corner because I'm really amazed by how many he actually has. I've never met anyone else who has a CD collection THIS extensive. Everytime I look through the collection, I get a surprise because I somehow discover some brand new CD I haven't noticed before. Like today: I found Jeff Beck. I didn't even know my brother listened to him.

When I was younger, I never used to understand why he bothered spending so much cash on them. He told me a long time ago that the reason he bought so many CDs was because he never could as a kid. It must have been torture: growing up and hearing all those songs over the radio and never having the oppurtunity to listen to the song again until the next time he gets near a radio, or a TV. Both luxury items back in the days.

And that's the difference between then and now. We hear a good song, and it sticks in our head. But unlike last time when you had to wait and pray that it comes on again, we get online, download the song and put it on repeat mode until we get sick of it. There's not much of an appreciation there.

My brother doesn't buy CDs anymore- he's doing the Malaysian thing now, ie pirated. I think it's a shame somehow because there was so much personality in his CD collection. Now it's just stagnant and never growing. I'm not anti-piracy or pro-piracy, but I'm the type who's willing to spend money on CDs. And why not, right? I mean, some people have their car modifying thing, some people buy gadgets. I don't get why people think its a waste of money to spend on original CDs. If taken care for properly, they could probably outlast your old car model and obsolete technology. Bleks! :p

I'm usually...

2005-07-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'm usually not very keen on seeing a doctor unless if my condition is very serious or I have no other options. It's not that I'm scared of jabs or anything, I just feel that very often it's rather pointless to make an effort all the way there and all your GP would do is to prescribe some painkillers for you to take home and call it a problem resolved. But the problem still lingers on doesn't it? For an ordinary person who has very little or no medical sense like me will think this is very lame. Hence, going to the GP is always the last thing I will do.

But this ongoing flu is really affecting my daily life as I'm starting to get cramps when I cough too hard. So today I went to see a doctor to get some painkillers but GUESS WHAT? The doctor told me I don't need no cold tablets for my flu because it will get better on its own. Errmmm.... I was a bit skeptical about his suggestion and couldn't understand why couldn't he prescribe me some medications to speed up my recovery, so I asked the doctor again if I were to take some cold tablets from the pharmacy which one would he recommend me and he said, 'I WOULDN'T. JUST SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. IT WILL RESOLVE BY ITSELF.'

I don't know what I should do now. I just want the flu bug to go away.

Got up very early

2005-06-14T15:21:00.000+08:00

Got up very early this morning but didn't sleep very well last night either, perhaps from anxiety to what my new life will be today. Strangely enough, I wasn't tired at all. As said, maybe I was overwhelmed by the fact that my anticipation was becoming a reality. Indeed, this waiting has fuelled much of my patience but I know this is going to be a turning point in my life. Yes, I'm on another stage now.

Today was warm and sunny, not bad for a start in August. Right. I'm all on my own now. The beginning of a new dawn in a momentous venture. ...

I didn't feel like eating today.Spending my weekend at home alone. Did some revisions on the CISCO and everything was pretty much in control. : ) I also tidied my room, did laundry and grocery in Tesco to keep myself busy. But still, loneliness seemed to be tagging along with me. : (

The Only Thing That Matters

2005-06-11T15:47:00.000+08:00

un-cer-tain-ty ( n-sûr tn-t )
1. The condition of being uncertain ; doubt.
2. Something uncertain : the uncertainties of modern life.
3. Statistics. The estimated amount or percentage by which an observed or calculated value may differ from the true value.

That's such an interesting word for me right now ... people asked me if I know what's going on, what's happening, and am I happy. In a way I do but then again I don't know. I'm dealing with it one day at a time. I guess as long as I'm ok or happy with it, then nothing should matter, right? I mean the feelings are there but I feel like it's just there. Not knowing how to express them, show them or act towards it. I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. Am I that complicated? Always trying to figure out the unknown. Always puzzling myself and making simple things complicated in which I deny in doing. I tell myself I like things plain and simple and yet I go ahead and make things complicated for myself. Always thinking about things. I guess sometime I just can't help it. My mind wanders aimlessly about things, everything. But I bet everybody does that anyway. Just hoping for things to be clear and better translated.

And then there goes about the more you know or find out, the more it hurts. Well the way I put it, it's not a pain kind of hurt but rather than a bothersome kind of hurt. The kind of feeling that can bother you and make you think even some more. The kind of feeling that makes you wonder about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that makes you think twice about a lot of things. The kind of feeling that reveals the intentions of others. The kind of feeling that lingers on until you can take no more but put it behind you with some comfort from yourself. You tell yourself to just stop it and think no more. Because when you do find out the truth, can you handle it? Therefore just let it go.

Everybody's all about having fun regardless of anything. Freedom is what was given to us all. We go out, do the things we do, go to the places we go, say the things we say, and see the people we see, that can be incredibly fun, but as long as we know where we wanna be then that's all it matters. At the end of the day, when you're laying on your bed, who's in your head? That's all it matters. The last thing you think about before you sleep speaks for whats important to you. That's the only thing that matters. The only thing that matters no matter how much fun you have during the day.

Just had to get that off my mind ...

What is life ahead??

2005-06-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

well how the heck did i get this subject come across my mind?

I tend to be transported when i am reading and my mind is just drifting all over the places. Maybe a song, a move or a sight, can easily draw my attention away from my book, such as right now this moment...

Have no idea what future holds, can't forward looking what is right in front of me, can't get a picture what's gonna be like a year away from today.

Everyone has a ultimate goal, and a spare one. What is mine? I'm so confused. My life has been so confused, so has my thoughts, my wants, and my dreams. The word "fickle" makes the best description for me.

When was the last time I really laugh, the kind of laughing that you throw your head away and hold your stomach becasue you laugh too hard. Laugh without worry, laugh truely....

What belief do i hold? what do i compromise to??

I will be fine

2005-03-02T16:28:00.000+08:00

I haven?t been posting for some time! I just don?t know how to start and where to start!

I don?t know what the hell I was thinking yesterday, I went out with him but really i did't want to, I knew he?d attempted to move our friendship further close! I just don?t have the feeling for him?for more obvious say I don?t want to have intimate relationship. I am still in healing period I suppose. I am quite moody and frenzy at the moment?yeah?just need a little bit self-control?yeah?

I will be fine?

It's just a dream

2005-02-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

You are right, it's not that i can't recover, not no one can't, it's that I'm not letting myself to. I believe there's hope, i believe deep inside of his heart, there's a place for me (and also for x other women). I must realize that no matter what happens to me, to anything in the world, the earth keeps revolving, the sun still goes up and down, what's happened has passed but they do still exist, in same places, different time space, I try to figure out where they are, try to catch the substance, then i wake up realizing it's just a dream. .....just a drea....m.........d .r e .a .m.

I must be drunk now, i have no idea what i am writing and where i am getting at, i just kept my flow going. I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I wanna go travelling, I wanna go swimming , I wanna go Shushi King.............

Well life is still beautiful, Nat now looking for a piece moment, going to sleep.

zzzZZZZZ

cOllaPsed

2005-02-14T19:07:00.000+08:00

My heart is so fragile now, the recovery system I've built has just totally collapsed after I read his email. Now when i see anything that reminds me him, I tell myself to shut down my brain. I have the choices of feeling hella bad or getting back to life. Rationally I have to follow the second choice. Yesterday my buddies Grace threw a birthday party, I knew my shitty mood wouldn't allow me to enjoy the party, but i still dragged my exhausted body with a tortured soul, faking a smile making a presence at his party. I ended up taking 3 Tequilla shots. I think my body and my soul were too busy dealing with my bad feeling (emotionally), I could barely feel any effect from the substance abuse. Well let's put it this way, when you are desparate and devastated, what else can make it worse? I was just a dead woman walking, i did wish i could just use alcohol whatever to get my mind out of my body for a while....

If there were no men

2005-02-10T15:15:00.000+08:00

If there were no men..........................
i wudn't be obssessed,
i wudn't be hurt,
he wudn't be able to still hurt me easily,
turning my life,
my mood upside down just in a blink of eyes.
Don't feel offended by the subject,
it doesn't imply to all men, friends don't count.........

Never get too attached to anyone on this

2005-01-16T16:13:00.000+08:00

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you and everyone around you were smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in fact it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love. But, it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

change

2004-12-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

Is it possible to change a person?
Or is it possible for a person to change coz of someone?

At first, I thought if someone loves you very much, s/he would accept who you are. There is no need for you to change or you do not need to change becoz of her/him.

Then, I thought if you really do love someone, you would not mind to change things for her/him. So there is a possibility of changing.

After a while, I thought the most important thing is not about if a person has changed or what. It is about whether the person you care is willing to change for you or not.

I never expected that someone would change for me or I would change for someone. However, as time goes by, without telling others to change, and you realized that the one next to you is different than the one you first knew, in a better way. This is one of the happiest feelings.

Upgrade myself...

2004-12-29T16:44:00.000+08:00

For the moment, watching in the mirror, a me?of course?I cannot live like this any more?you know for the last 2 years staying here in KL, I dont feel I have been changing to any better but getting worse?I really have to do something now?for the wasted 2 years, I feel bit regret?but for this time, regret cannot bring anything back?just start now?you are very young it is never late?

Applauds for myself giving a announcement to upgrade myself now?YEAH!!!!!!! Upgrade myself...

Blind Date

2004-12-16T16:59:00.000+08:00

How many people had blind dates? I guess not too many. At least most of my friends didn't.

I used to think I am still too young to have a blind date. But, obviously not for my parents.

They decide to introduce me their friend's son in Singapore.

Frankly, I am not interested in it. I wonder how can I love a guy whom I have never seen and how can we keep long-distance relationship. The situation is: I am in the Malaysia, he is in Singapore, and we never met before.

However, my mom said, "He is very smart, tall, never had a girlfriend (for my mom it means he is not a playboy, my innocent mom :), is going to US to get a PhD." Suddenly, I am curious that what my mom's friend would describe me to her son.

She might say, "Not pretty not ugly, MIT, not stupid, can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin,Hakka, simple family." What else??

The more I think, the more sad I feel. Not only feel sorry for myself, but also for the guy. We are just like 2 pigs, waiting for being weighted. As long as we are almost equally weighted, the deal is done!

The situation is like this: The guy--PhD (+5), tall (+5). Me-- good girl (+5), MIT (+5). Both sides are over 70 out of 100, so they should see each other!

Yeah, people are getting more and more realistic in this modern society. If a guy and a girl have similar family background, knowledge (people call it "degree"), social status, age, then they are put together. Who cares who loves whom? What is love? Love lasts forever? You're too young to know life. Love is the most useless thing in life.

How sad!

However, I also envy those people because they can easily live happily. What I want is "spiritual communication", not just find one guy to spend life with. How greedy I am! Unfortunately, I don't think a guy in blind date would understand me.

Do I know what kind of book he likes to read? Does he know what kind of music I like to listening to? If I cannot appreciate his humor, he must feel bored. If he cannot appreciate my interest (writing), I must feel lonely. Many people may think I am so immature that I care about these trifles. However, it's very important for me.

I don't want to give up my "childishness" after married. I still want to laugh, sing, think, find out the beauty of world. If he doesn't have "spirit", I would be very painful. Frankly, if a girl looks for money or stable life from marriage, her dream usually may come true. However, if a girl searches for "untouchable" spirit communication, she may have to wait until die. The reason is very simple-- how many girls are loved because of their soul?

I am such a weird person that my only choice is the later. Therefore, I don't have any expectation to blind dates. What my parents want is to see I'll have a stable life. However, they didn't consider what I want.

No matter I like it or not, the truth is I also become one of those pigs waiting for being weighted.

No one would ask a pig, "Do you want to be put in the market?" The pig is poor. I know as long as a blind date starts, many other blind dates come. It wouldn't stop until the "equal-weight" deal is done or until the pig is too old for the market.

Anyway, I didn't say "no" to my parents. This is the 3rd time they have the enthusiasm to introduce a guy to me.

A guy has a blind date because he is too busy and has no chance to meet girls. A girl promises a blind date because her heart is broken and she is already tired.

Don't you think so?

Being Alone

2004-12-05T16:11:00.002+08:00

I don't know what "loneliness" means until I come to the KL.

When I was in hometown, I enjoyed reading, writing, studying, and fortune-telling. Life seemed to be so happy and time passed soon. However, when I am alone here, things are different...

Last night I went to a Japanese restaurant to have late dinner at 9:30PM (I finished my work at 9PM). There were many young guys getting together in front of that restaurant. I know it's kinda dangerous to go out alone in the midnight, but what I can do? I was so hungry that I had to behave brave though I was afraid actually.

After entering the restaurant, the waiter asked me "how many people?" I said, "One." "Only one?" he seemed to be surprised by my answer. I was embarrassed, again.

Yeah, I have every dinner alone. Every time waiters would say "only one" with question marks. Hee, they don't know I not only eat alone but also travel alone because... I have no choice!

In fact, I don't like people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. Most of new friends don't believe that I don't have a boyfriend... that really bothers me. I hate explaining my background again and again. Their curiosity lets me feel "guilty" for having no boyfriend.

I used to enjoying being alone, but not anymore. There are four poor reasons: First of all, in the KL, as a little girl alone here, I have to pretend strong and smart to deal with every event which I never face before. Second, get embarrassed when I go to restaurant or join a tour. Third, feel uncomfortable to answer new friends' questions. Fourth, have to make it clear that I'm not a picky girl but just have no chance.

It's weird... Why people think a young girl should have a boyfriend? Why I cannot have dinner alone? (hee hee, now I only choose those restaurants whose waiters don't ask me with "question mark" :)

It's more weird that I also start hating being alone...

No Subject!

2004-11-29T17:57:00.000+08:00

No man/woman is worth your tears,
and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because some one doesn't love you the way you want them to,
Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

They say love hides behind every corner,
then I must be walkingin circles.

A ture friend is someone who reaches for your hand
and touches your heart.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you cannot have them.

Never frown, even when you are sad,
because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world

Don't waste your time on a guy/girl,
why isn't willing to waste their time on you

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one.
so that when we finally meet that person
we will know how to be grateful.

There is always going to be people that hurt you
so what you have to do is keep in trusting
and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

make yourself a better person and know who you are
before you try to know someone else
and expect them to know you.

Nothing's absolute!

2004-11-26T15:55:00.000+08:00

I thought I made a wise decision, but i'm afraid it wasn't wise enough to stop this bad feeling haunting me. I thought everything would be back in order in no time, but the fact is, there is something bothering me, and why/what is that? what does that feel when plans don't work as you expected? what does that feel when the situation is going out of your control?

Why is that in this logical world things don't work the way they should be? Shouldn't there be a logical pattern that we could follow when we get lost? shouldn't there be an ultimate solution that we always could count on when we go into astray? Is there anything absolute that we could rely on?

When it looks so obvious that things don't work out, two people don't mesh, we are still willing to give a shot until we're crashed and burned. There is always a sign for that a precaution would prevent such things from happening and eventually resulting to a no-one-gets-hurt situation, but we always assume that we are capable of taking an adventure, chances are, 50% and 50%. However, if the winning 50% doesn't seem to be on your side, be prepared for a serious impact which might take just as long as it takes to get over.

Why is it made sound like a catastrophe?? The world is still running, sun comes up and down just as the way it was, except that you are not feeling the same anymore, not for as long as it takes.

Everything is planned

2004-06-29T17:39:00.000+08:00

Too many shockin' things are happening to ppl around me. First it was Lim accident and now his friend, Darren was beaten to death in Hartamas a few days ago. Darren's death saddened me beyond words. Although i do not personally know him, i was introduced to him once thru....can't remember who, butta it was around Coffeebean, it is still hard for me to accept. I was abit blur when Lim told me bout' the death of his friend, (jacey tot it was Obi) but after seeing his picture in every newspaper, i sorta recall how he really look like. Life is short, so short that you'll never know when it's your turn to die.

All the poor guy did is comin' back to his-so-called-country, 'M'sia' for a bloddy holiday. I mean, although noone really knew what actually happened that night BUT those pig brain ppl better pay for what they have done.I know the life of those brainless ppl won't bring Darren back....but each of those ppl should be thrown out into the streets for the public to wack the shit out of them....before hanging them to death. Those ppls shouldn't just be in prison for 10-15 yrs and then set them free....& giving them 'second chance'. They shud all be killed! Also, I'm so frustrated with the people in Uncle Don's..... I mean, if only a group of considerate ppl were to stand up and help or at least try to stop them, it wouldnt have to cost a life. If only ppl were considerate enuff & not be so selfish. Instead of being a spectator & say "they were too violent, we were afraid" ? Scared ar? Diuz! I forgot.....'who hangs out in Uncle Don??? u know, i know, can adi, no need for me to mention it here. Why would "they" even help?' *slaps myself hard on the head*

Lim went for Darren's funeral & i can see that he was really stoned & it really hit him HARD that he lost 2 close ones on the same day. His friend & his cousin sis who suffered from cancer. One thing after another. I pray that Darren is now safe in the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ & the Lord will protect him and that he will lead a better life in heaven. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Everything is planned, we can't escape god plans can we?

A true friend

2003-09-28T15:54:00.000+08:00

A call from Singapore.
Warm up my heart, through the phone, from distance.
Without give me any favor,
Without candy and candle,
Comfort me by deep voice with care.

It cures me from very low and gray situation.
Rather than rich, I do need friendship come up to me whenever I am poor.

One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday

2003-09-24T15:43:00.000+08:00

It was just a song, a dream, that hit the deepest of my soul, brought out my inspiration, making me wonder, how a stimulating and vigorous person like me, could have ended up withering and stagnant, who used to be straighforward and now hardly find her tongue and takes her stand, who finds herself holding on to things.

When it comes to emotional intelligence ( EQ so to speak, the concept that complements traditional beliefs that personality is defined only as IQ, the other side of the brain which practices thinking intelligence), it is determined that high EQ personality is more self-motivated, knowing and controlling his/her own emotions, recognizing and being ablt to control others' emotions (empathy).

It is interesting to observing people and to studying personality, the combination of stable physical and mental characteristics that make up an individual's identity and give consistency to a person's behavior. However, it's judgemental that the formed personality can't be any significant transformation. Faith, inspirations, stimulations are critical elements that bring a personality to the next stage.

I think i'm too carried away here, i should at least address my subject. it's actually the title of a song from the movie "Moulin Rouge". When the lyrics flow, there was this pure inspiration coming out from the deep of my heart, like a swollen balloon, filled with excitement and energy, bringing my spirit to the mountain top.

it's just a feeling, feeling alive, feeling good, feeling bright, feeling hopeful.

I wish I could ...

2003-08-27T14:48:00.000+08:00

I wish I could read people, so I wont treat them wrong by false judgement.
I wish I could read people, so I wont get hurt when bad judgement happens.
Always wonder if I should trust people easily.
Couldn't get an answer, but keep losing myself.
Hopefully I could find my answer one of these days.

Babbling!......

2003-08-25T15:48:00.000+08:00

I am back, through a storm liked nerving contraction period. I have lost some of my brain Neurons, I suppose, I thought I never can replace the damaged one, just started panic. but thought just being a very daft person bearing a vain question mark inside! Boring me!!!

I have survived from all my relationships, feel very very relaxing now just don't want to mess me around again, don't want to foul around with guys any more, believe me or not, you don't know me, so you cannot judge, it is like my mood now at the moment! Not everything can be predict, but some can do, so do grasp them tightly, and being strong being a relax person, being a happy one future is in your pocket, just a little world if you can understand them thoroughly, I don't know what I am talking about now, it is just like me always, sometimes I don't know the direction, but I will follow my instinct do whatever I feel like I should be doing that is just me, maybe you think I am a wacky person, everyone has their crazy side, that makes them being a individual being a different you have sweet dreams. I think I am just babbling here..

Angel

2003-08-23T15:52:00.000+08:00

All I wanna be is an angel.
Falling in love with you,
So I could see myself in the sky.

With the angel's heart,
I feel the love you gave.
With the angel's eyes,
I see your passion of love.
With the angel's wings,
Distances mean nothing.
Since I could fly over,
and holding your hand saying
I love you.

I wanna kiss your lips and hear your voices.
Let the fire burn within us,
So I could strengthen my wings.
Let me enjoy the fly.

All I wanna be is an angel.
So I could keep your heart and hear you saying how much you love me.

I love you!

Devil

2003-08-22T15:27:00.000+08:00

I need a devil in my heart,
So I could treat you bad.
I need a devil in my mind,
So we could make a pair.

I wanna be the devil.
I wanna be like you.
Treating you back the same way you treated me.
Ignoring me, leaving me, and dumping me.

I wanna be the devil.
I wanna be like you.
Making you love me the same way I loved you.
Caring me, needing me, and wanting me.

Once you fall into me, I will
Ignore you, leave you, and dump you.

Weird ...

2003-08-20T15:47:00.000+08:00

Last night was like a dream to me. Electricity was cut off and we stayed in the dark. I sat by the window with no sound around me. I felt like I was locked in a room and the freezing air would somehow got me frozen. I looked at the outside world through the window. I couldn't touch anything. I couldn't reach out for what I wanted. I was forgotten, in a dark corner of the world. It was so unreal. Everything was weird. I received strange emails. I was in the bed like a fish in an pan with hot oil. I got little sleep. Everything was so confused. Even if I misunderstood something, there must be something that I understand extremely well. I'm just not brave enough to make a decision. I don't wanna risk loss. I don't wanna hurting anyone. I would rather choose to hurt myself. Goodness. May me gather enough courage, to go on my crazy life.

Please be by my side...

2003-08-17T14:45:00.000+08:00

I hate it when I find myself depending on someone else. I would rather be independent but I just can't be like that all the time. I'm no more than a girl. I need protection as well. Sometimes I'm not so strong as I appear to be. NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS. I gotta make a mature decision and take all the consequences. I'm already 26 years old, going to 27 later (top secret:) and I gotta figure out what I really need. I cannot be bound. Nat means freedom. I know I do not have to be brave all the time. I let off myself when I feel weak and want to lean on a shoulder.

Please, please be by my side.

Take me home, please. I like this title best. I don't know why. Suddenly I want somebody to take me home. Just be by my side.

Friendship vs Relationship

2003-08-13T13:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I met a old friend on MSN, we used to be classmates on higher math class, I still wonder the math finally he beat me up is because of our stereotyped math lecturer always has the general concept of man should do well on it, or whatever the reasons, I still cannot believe he is one point beyond me... that is so unbearable...

we are good friends, really good friends, he said i am such a big burden to him...that is true... really true... because I used to pop into his department no matter the day or night...no matter whether he is busy or not, not matter he is awake or still in sleep, i would wake him up using a vulnerable voice say... sorry... could i borrow this... could i borrow that? and then laugh loud at his pyjamas afterwards... he is always keeping his patient on me... I still enjoy annoying him the most of the time...I just felt like he is such a good friend...

He brought our topic to relationships, I told him to stay away from it, he said if I have been hurt before, I said NO, I don't know why i said that... but i did... He is really serious this time... talking about relatioships to me...

he is totally a layman... haven't been through any relationships with anyone so far, he is like a white paper, sometimes you want to tell him love can be really nice but if it goes wrong it's like drugs it makes you sick...very sick... I was trying to draw some colorful lines on that paper, but i have to give him the boundary.

Be honest! I don't want him to go into relationships, I think that is because I am selfish, i wanted to keep all my friends alone with me, it is not nice... I know i know... I asked him with half joking tone... Are you on date or something? I can give you some tips then...hehe...I clicked a big smile face on the chat window...

He said....no..no...no...
He started typing...

I felt there is something wrong...

I quickly typed: we are always good friends aren't we? still followed a big smiling face... (sounds nature)...

I can see from my chat window, he stopped... and then after a few seconds he began to type again, this time it was displayed on my screen..... ' yes' he said. I knew he had deleted soemthing, what he typed before? I never gotta to know, I don't want to know, I know I shouldn't hide it any longer... I know he has some feelings for me, but I am just afraid of being lost everything again if relationships didn't work out I would lost friendship as well, I don't want that happen again... I just want friendship...

I am just afraid............................

I just wish the next time I see him he will still tolerate me for being such a annoying person, I wish he will say to me another time, you are really my burden...
I want to be your burden always...always...

love you dearly

fine...

2003-08-07T11:44:00.000+08:00

c e r t a i n l y...
the world is never perfect....

for this reason . . .
we used to be sad...
we used to be upset...
we used to be depressed...

but finally...
i have learnt...
and
just never mind ...

at least ..
i see no one is perfect in the world....

ok fine...
what i desire to do...
is to learn to be optimistic
and that's all for now...

About Friendship and Love

2003-08-05T15:43:00.000+08:00

I guess everybody still learning to love someone and how to manage the journey to fall in love. Perhaps some still roaming around still looking for the right one to be with, included myself. I wander why people having so many ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, I wander how they make it? They never feel suffer each time broke with someone? How they manage to be easy going type of human?

I just met someone once, I think I really serious that time but never know love is so short, it come to the end very soon without giving me any sign. May be to a little girl like me that is love, to him that isn't called love that is just emotionally happen and it never exists at all.

Until today I still didn't know what kind of relationship is that ? Who am I pastime? Thinking back of it, I really laugh at myself for being such a fool .........but still having enjoyable time from that :"weird relationship."
However, I am glad I learnt from the lesson and knowing myself better hence manage to love someone better in future. Of course, I wont say thankful, I also don't wish taking this lesson but that is life......so what can I do?. Thing that have been given how can we retrieve especially in love.
Heart that have been hurt need time to heal, it wont be a month a week or even a year. I don't really know but some of them take almost few year although they already have another girl-friend/boy-friend in their currently life but the scar still there. For sure we cant say 1 love in the rest of our life, that is a bit impossible because nowadays time make people change.
We wont know what he/she will be later. For those easy going, they can handle it easily. If we can predict everything in love, I think nobody wants to learn the painful lesson. Love is something that really risky because it might bring affect to previous life.

I am someone that pessimistic and I admit I m not someone that easy going. I worry too many thing ,may be friends feel I am too much all the times. I still remember a very close friend of mine tell me a story when I feel very down. She tell me once a guy fall into the sea, he cant swim but by that moment he so lucky he found a broken wood which float in the deep blue sea. He hugging the wood and manage survive sometime until he found the coast one day. He so happy and finally he landed. He let go the floated wood. He never realized the wood cry after he left. The wood back into its life float in sea and sink in the end.

I was really touched after listening to her story. She cry and hugging me when she finish her story. I feel I am lucky . I realize that actually everyone just seek for the feel of secure, everybody scare of being lonely...........but that just what I wander .....a lot thing I wander ....a lot question mark in my thinking actually. But too bad why I never wasting time wander how to become a rich gal? achieve goal in my work? haha what an useless female I am? haha ........

Net Friends & Net Lover

2003-08-02T15:42:00.000+08:00

Ever since I learnt how to surf net and chatting, I learnt all kind of experience from my net friends. They are the one inspire me to learnt how to use photoshop doing drawing, giving me encouragement and share my happiness. I used to draw by mouse but very surprise my net friend give me a digital pad that really make me draw easily. I will remember it all the times. For those I have met up, they really bring me joy. Almost all my closer net friend will have a song in my mind. When certain song were played, it will remind me of that friend. For those friends that still by my side whenever I need them, " Thanks for console me. Thanks for laughing and crying with me.

A lot people love chatting in net and some even still seek for net love. For me, that is a bit hard especially long distance net love. Although he/she have girl friend or boy friend but just like virtually exists. Whenever he/she in trouble you cant be with them. That is kind of torture for them. That's why long distance net love is something that might come easily but hard to maintain unless both really willing always spent all the time together whenever having holidays. just 1 word "Think twice! before want to take this challenge! er.......a lot friends ask me:"nat, will it be your choice?"

I will just answer:" If can avoid I' ll try my best to prevent have this kind of relationship! hehehe, although I online frequently in mid night."

It tells my heart

2003-07-20T15:38:00.000+08:00

Glanced this writing posted on my friend's website, somehow, it tells my heart.

有一首歌, 重複聽好多遍, 還是在嘴裡哼著唱著...

有一件衣服, 看到它總是想起當初買下時的心境, 好深刻, 好認真...

有一處傷, 不管你擦了多少藥, 疤痕就是在那掛著, 遮也遮不掉...

有一個人, 懸在心上留戀著, 忘了好久其實思念了好多...

有一個夢, 永遠都不會實現的夢, 卻在腦海裡沉沉刻著...

Hunt men

2003-07-19T15:38:00.000+08:00

我的屁股都还没坐定，便听到 Pat 远远地喊： " 我们的 genius 来了。 "
然后是 Grace 的一句： "Congrats,我们的状元女郎。"
我一头雾水地坐下来 " 噢喂 ~！你们搞什么东东 huh..??"
Grace即刻做一副鬼脸：" 哇，还这么 Humble 啊， Jenny 和我们说你拿了 MSE班上的第一名，还拿了 best student award 啊，是不是啊？？ "
"Mad or what，我还以为你们中了多多还是什么，这么开心？你们没有拿过第一名 mei?" 我好整一暇地说。
"听，听，这么大的口气！ " Grace 笑了出来， "唯恐人家不知道你从小到大一直都排名第一似的，噢， really no surprise hor, 我们几时拿过第一名的嗄，不要刺激我们 leh。 "
"Haiya, Whatever over is over, 成绩都出来一个星期了，还说这些干什么？ " 我摆摆手。
"我们感兴趣的不是你的成绩啦，听说你在班上 hunt men 的成绩也不错，男同学，甚至教授都给你使得团团转 ____"Pat 故意将尾音拉得长长的。
"You all are really funny you know,"我故意装出一副很冤枉很 innocent 的模样，学娱乐圈人士的口气： "我这么样的人，怎么会做那样的事，都是谣言，我只是受害者而已。 "
"Oh yes,we believe you" Pat 乐不可支， "不过我们还是想听听一下故事。 "
"我来说，我来说， " Jenny 自告奋勇地说： "她有一个男同学 hor , 整天给她写情信，抄莎士比亚的名句给她。 "
"还有写法文的。 "我懒洋洋地接下去。
"对对对，然后还被圈得又红又黑地还回去，加上注明：学艺未精，还未到唬人时刻。"Jenny 说得好像是她身在其中似的。
"So happening huh?" Grace 眼睛瞪得大大的， "看来有事无事我们都要去读读书，才可以 Update 一下现在的男人是怎么样的。"
"有这么蠢的男人？ " 坐在一旁静静不出声的 Candy突然杀出这么一句。
"几岁啦，还搞这种玩意儿？ " 现在要镇住女人，要嘛有钱，要嘛有权，一切搞定，那儿还有这么样的罗嗦。" Candy 皱上眉头。
"Candy 现在说话像黑社会老大似的，好干脆。 " 我忍不住笑。
"本土的男人就是怪，阴阴的，喜欢你又没有胆子说，这算什么男人。" Candy一脸轻蔑地说。
"喂，你两个月后要嫁的男人可是地地道道的马来西亚男人啊。" Grace 故意大大声的提醒。然后 Grace 不忘记我这一边， "长话短说啦，有没有希望的。 "
"结了婚的，有个已经上了 Kingdengarden 的孩子，你说有没有希望呢？ " 我叹气。
"哎哟，这种男人还要吟诗作词啊，真是有病。 " Candy 冷不防又来一句。
"那其他的呢，你不是快读了两年吗？就怎么一个？ " Grace 不置信地问。
"不都是一样吗，要嘛结了婚，要嘛还没离婚， what's the differences? 他们帮我找些资料，复印文件就要我委身以报吗？开玩笑！ "我答。
"听 Jenny 说不是有一个教 Software Architecture 的教授蛮 interesting 的，会心理学的？ " Grace 干脆打破沙锅问到底。
"Very funny,"我说， “在课堂上听课还无所谓，后来和他 email谈到当今女权主义，他既然说那些所谓单身贵族女性，其实都是贱族，属於 low class 人类，和他在大学碰到的 high class 女人很不一样。 ”
"哇，这个人有病啊， who does he think he is ?" Pat 喊了起来。
"就是喽，我看他是关在象牙塔里太久了，认为只有高贵的学府里才会有高贵的人，包括他自己在内，外面行走江湖的只有有钱没钱之分，同高贵沾不上边，同智慧也沾不上边，同他讲授的心里学一样，只是一种阴暗的自恋肤浅的 reflex,而我们就是 under 这种 category 的人。 " 我缓缓地向我的 buddies 们说出我的讲师对时下女人的见解。
"他也不是没有他的道理，我们既然不是皇亲国戚一族严格来说都是贱族。 " Grace 点着头， "可是大马的一般女人是普普通通的 Working girls 多呢，还是在大学医学院当医生当教授的人多呢？ "
"所以啦，我说你们的男人都有病，难怪你们都嫁不出去。" Candy 又无喱头地来一句。
"那你怎么 handle 这种人呢？" Jenny 问。
"我的一张 paper还在他手上，我和他讲怎么多做什么，等拿到成绩了，再同他争论也不迟。 " 我说。
"怎么样，他那科考得怎么样？ " 大家都问。
" 最高分的啦， thesis 给到 97分，从来没有的事啦，可是我现在又不想和他 argue些什么啦，这种东西争赢了又如何， low class 也没什么不好嘛， right? 他若是从前的 King Henry, 还有话说，现在一个平民说另一个平民是 high class,或 low class, 很奇怪，好像小孩子吵架似的。 "
" 我看你还是不要去 further study 了，怎么碰到的男人比外面的更怪。 " Grace 摇头。
" 读书读多的人都有病。 " Candy 又开始发挥她的有病论。
" 哎呀不管啦，出席颁奖典礼后，同这些人就老死不相往来了。 " 我说。
" 找一件最新的晚礼服穿上刺激一下他们？" Jenny 提议。
" 穿我刚买的那件 Valentino 啦，从背部裸到腰部，够刺激的啦。 " Candy 说。
" 咦，那件不是你同 Robert出席厂商酒会穿得吗？ " 我问。
" 你穿之后我再穿啦，不也一样？ " Candy不明白地问。

看来 Robert喜欢 Candy 是有道理的，她这种简单没有心机不是装可以装出来的，和她接触之后才逐渐了解她的为人，心直口快，待人真诚、比我那些读 MSE所谓 high class 的人要痛快多了。
"Sure!" 乘她还未改变心意前，我赶快答。

cRy me A riVer

2003-07-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

從獅城回來﹐我的哀傷顯而易見。幾個buddies 見了我﹐像見鬼似地喊﹕“What happened to you huh?你怎麼變成這個模樣﹖”

不用照鏡子我也知道自己look horrible, 我瘦了三公斤﹐皮膚又黃又干又皺﹐睡不安寢﹐食不下咽。。。

“Hey, what's wrong ?”Jenny 跑來坐在我的身邊﹐手搭在我的肩上。

“Well,”我吸了一口氣﹐“ I"m out of love again 。”

“Huh?”每個人的眼睛都瞪得大大的﹐“ 你幾時又in love 了呢﹖”
“ 同樣的那個人﹐同樣的episode....”我嘆口氣﹐講不下去。

“ Are u talking about James?”

每個人都在那邊叫。

“ That;s right, 沒有錯。”我點頭。

“Huh, 小姐﹐不對吧﹐都上個世紀的事了﹐還有下集啊﹖”

“我不是常常去新加坡公干的嘛﹐哪一次他不是管接送的﹖”我問。

“So,就這麼樣你認為他一直都沒有變﹐還是他一直都在那裡等你﹖” Jenny 問。

“Well, 我一直都有心理準備﹐可是沒想到。。。”我說不下去。

“這次怎麼樣﹐he finally found somebody else?" Audrey 問。

“對﹐是最近的事﹐在握這次同他會面前一個卻前的事。”我說。

“然後你去的時候﹐他對你依然如舊﹖”Grace插進來一句。

“That's right,但我總覺得有點不太對勁﹐然後有一天大電話給他﹐晚上打去家裡﹐phone 一直engaged,我就知道了。”

“然後你就覺得天要塌下來了﹖”Audrey 皺着眉頭問。

“你要我怎麼說呢﹖這個男人愛了我這麼久﹐然後終於去找另一個女人了﹐在握回來不到兩天﹐就讓我發現他們一起拖着手上街去。你認為我應該感到高興嗎﹖”

“Ok,我了解你的感受﹐可是nat nat, 這裡有一件很重要的事你要搞清楚____就算沒有這個女人﹐你們可能在一起嗎﹖你說過很多次了﹐你可以為了他而放棄這裡的一切。再想深一層﹐即使你們在一起﹐你們的性格又能配合多久呢﹖”Jenny 冷靜地分析。

“不能在一起就不能相愛﹖”我反問。

“Of course you can, 你們不是一直都這樣嗎﹖來往了這麼久﹐只是他現在先走了﹐你才這麼難受﹐如果先走的是你﹐他又會怎樣想﹖Will you wait for him ?”

“Let put it this way,這麼長時間﹐他沒有找到別人也不是他在等你的緣故﹐問題是他找不到一個適合的人﹐現在找到了﹐他不走還要等到什麼時候﹖”Jenny 坐在那裡慢慢地說。

“I know,I know, 可是也不可能這麼快嘛﹐我在新加坡的時候﹐ 他還說同她是普通朋友﹐現在我回來幾天都不到﹐他就。。。。”

“哎呀﹐我們不都是一樣﹐現在這個世界﹐講究效率嘛﹐如果他認為和你不可能﹐愈早走愈好。省事﹐要不然永遠左右為難﹐心情七上八下的﹐不累咩﹖”Audrey 答。

“那我怎麼辦呢﹖”我傻傻地問。

“放心﹐你不會怎樣的﹐而且還會過得很好﹐你有他和缺他又有什麼影響呢﹖真是的﹐又不是吃他﹐住他的﹐靠他養還是什麼的。”

“好啦﹐that's was what I thought, 要不然我早就留下來了﹐還趕回來這裡對你們哭﹖”

“其實你感到傷心的並不是失去了這個人﹐ 而是失去了愛着一個人的感覺。”Jenny 一言點中了我的要害。

“Come on , we are just lonely people,害怕寂寞。其實生活中沒有什麼是不可以失去的﹐當然﹐也沒有什麼是indepensible 的。”Adurey 加一句。

“可是我卻是這麼的hurt,感覺好像自己被拋棄了。”我說。我將頭埋進沙發裡﹐任眼淚嘩嘩地流了滿臉。。。

China Rose

2003-07-16T15:36:00.000+08:00

今天 Grace 请我们几个吃 lunch 的时候，很珍重地告诉我们： ”Big head 回来了，你们知道吗？ “
我们即刻放下刀叉，哇 ~！了一声： ”啊，什么时候的事？ “

Big head 是我们对一个学长的呢称。我们在 KGV 时，他便常以名人姿态访校，与我们混得关系不错。后来我们到新加坡留学时，他又是留新俱乐部的领导，对我们这几个流落在外的小丫头照顾有加，被我们当做监护人看待。

Big Head 年轻时候长得英俊非凡，和台日混血儿 Takashi 长得有点相似。后来娶了个貌若明星的美女设计师为妻子，郎才女貌，简直被我们当成偶像，觉得生活的最终目标应该是这样的。

后来发生的故事情节，让我们对生活的起伏有了认识 ______快毕业时，听说 Big Head 的妻子弃他而去。他颓废了一段日子，连自己开办的建筑师公司都关闭了，四处流浪去。关于他的消息一直不断 , 一下子说他做了和尚，一下子说他吸毒，一下子又说他变疯了，被关进了英国某家疯人院。

还好我们这几个女人一年总会去英国一两趟，对他的消息一直注意着且不断的 update.

近几年的消息是 Big Head去了上海大搞他的建筑事业，且搞得红红火火的，比在新加坡时更有噱头。如今 Big Head 的名字，在上海建筑界内闻名遐迩。我们几个新年前去上海公干，见到 Big Head 时，看他那种意气风发的架势，恨不得天天对着上海人说： “你知道他就是我的学长吗？ ”

没想到 Big Head 却在不通知我们的情况下，悄悄地回来了这里。
“回来是度假呢？，还是真正地回家，不住上海了吗？ ” 我们异口同声地问。

"是回来结婚呢，他要我们几个帮忙做他的婚礼 ”军师"。Grace 闲闲地说。

"What?" 我们一边为 Big Head 高兴，一边又疑惑万分地问： ”Big Head 快 40 好几了吧，还同谁结婚？ "

"你们说呢？" Grace 闲闲地看着我们。
"Big Head 现在这么有钱，身家千万，人还宝刀未老，英俊潇洒，要怎么样的女人会没有？ "

说的也是，我们只好唯唯诺诺，等着看 Big Head 的新娘子。

过了几天, Big Head 招待我们几个在 Niko Hotel 吃饭，并正式介绍我们认识他的 bride to be。

"Candy, 她们这几个都是我一路看着长大的美眉，现在她们比我还行。 “

" 噢 ~！是吗，老公，会有别人比你还行的吗？ " Candy 娇爹爹的口气。

Candy 这么一开口，我们每个的眉头都皱了起来，忽然发觉这些女人是不可以开口说话的。口一开，什么陷都露了出来。

Candy 当然是美女， 20 来岁模样，身材高佻，皮肤如葱似的，白白嫩嫩的，五官细致玲珑，怎么看都和一个明星没两样。

可是这么样的口吻。。。。我们开始在心里叹气。
整顿饭的两个小时里， Candy 不断地同 Big Head 打情骂俏。唯恐我们不知道他们的关系似的。有时候还故意说一些很私隐的情节给我们听。

"最近我们去泡温泉噢，每个人都冲着我的胸看，老公还开玩笑说，如果不看我的脸，看我的胸也会以为我只有 16岁，还粉红粉红的耶。。。 "

我正含着一口茶，差点喷了出来；座上几个女人眼睛瞪得如铜铃般大，好像听了什么笑话似的难以相信。

Big Head 已经有点尴尬了，头低下来，偏偏 Candy 还不放过，继续地放肆： “老公你同她们说啦，你不是说我的胸很大吗？ ”

这顿饭简直是吃得惊心动魄。

饭后我们几个简直虚脱至死。 Pat 第一个开口： “不要告诉我她是大学毕业生，我可以用全部身家来睹。 ”

"Of course not lah." Grace 笑着说。
"开玩笑，不知道有没有念过基本礼仪，中学文凭都不懂有没有。上次在上海第一次见她， Big Head 说过是什么舞蹈员似的。 “

"上海的？" 我们问。

"也不是，不知道来自哪个小城市了。中国这么大，记不得了。 " Grace 说。

"中国这么多女人 Big Head 不去找，偏去找这种不伦不类的女人。难怪我们这里的人一说到那边的女人，都带着异样眼光，不是小龙女，便是情妇。 " Jenny 说。

"人家美 leh, what to do?" Pat 忽然间杀出一句。 " 正经做大事的人都长得太干净了，同我们有什么两样，当然是找这种在这里你提着灯笼也找不到的货色，才够精彩吧。 “

"可是 Big Head 。。。。 Big Head 是这么 refined 的一个人，他连喝茶都要用上等的英国瓷器冲出来的，算准水的温度。。。。 “ 我说不下去。

“看开点吧，他是男人， all men are the same,isn't it?"
Grace 摇头， “他现在能用钱买点开心也算难得，还要怎样？ ”

“这个女人会爱他吗？ ”我笑了起来。
“难说，爱钱也是一种爱，对吗？反正一个愿打，一个愿挨，不关我们的事。 ” Grace 说。

"接下来还有我们好受的﹐Nat Nat , 呢要负责帮她挑婚纱呢。" Jenny 提醒。

"huh~....可以不要做吗？。。。。 "我感到头痛。

"看在 Big Head 面子上啦，从我们沦落新加坡街头时，是谁整天带我们吃好的，看演唱会；是谁教会我们欣赏好时装，好画，好歌，好电影的？" Pat 刷来这么一句。

"Yes....Yes...Yes............"

可是可是，我想起了一篇文章中看过的一句话，男人的品味，到头来，永远是这么差。

soRry seEms tO be tHe HarDest woRd.. . .

2003-07-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

这几天心情快低落到接近沮丧的地步。接近三月了，试也考完了，我连 call meeting 的心情都没有。桌子堆满了未过目的文件，我真的感到压力。
我和 Grace 说： " 我真的完了，提不起劲玩也就罢了，现在连工作也提不起劲来做，快被老板抄了。 "

Grace 瞄我， "你怕咩？你怕就不会继续这样要死不死的。 "
我搬张椅子做在 Grace 面前： " 嘿 Grace, you tell me the truth, 我真的是为了一个男人搞到这个模样，还是 I just take this as an excuse ?"
Grace 笑了起来： " 噢。。。会理智分析了呀，是好事，据我们看啊， you are dwelling on it , don't know for what reason."
Grace 继续说： "你要恨他吗？你也没资格，说不适合的是你，离开他的也是你，他找个人去结婚，在情在理都说的过去；你要爱他吗？你也没资格，爱一个人要勇往直前，付出一切代价在所不辞，你却只想天天 holiday, 天天 romance,要怎么过日子呢？"
我沉默了一阵子， "那就是我自己的 problem loh? 我很空虚，很不快乐，是吗？"
"You are asking me? " Grace叫了起来£¬" 我变成了你的心理医生了？"
"Exchange programme ma嘛。 "我也笑。
"最近你那边的 story lne 怎么样发展了？ " Grace 问。
"应该是结婚了吧，前阵子听他说要去巴黎旅行。。。应该是去度蜜月吧。 "

"You see Nat Nat, 他度蜜月才去巴黎，我们十来岁参加 student exchange programme 在外国念书的时候，暑假一到都往这个地方去，你还认为你同他可以在一起生活？ " Grace 满脸的不明白。
"好吧，即使不要提到这么浮面的东西，说一下实际的生活吧。他吃的是什么，你吃的是什么？我们吃的已经是精致到 live to eat, 而他还是 eat to live 而已，所以这么恶俗地天天大鱼大肉，吃坏身体为此。。。。"

"Yes, 还有他已经快 33 岁了，还不会写一张支票，因为他很少有机会用支票的。。。 " 我替 Grace 接下去。
"Ya...you see, you see." Grace 像发现新大陆似的， "Oh my god, 这种人你也真想过要嫁给他？不是吧？ "
"Well,你没听过得不到便是最好的吗？" 我答。
"Oh please lah,你要不要我提醒你他的坏处，动不动便大吼大叫，动不动便骂路人或服务员，动不动便向你发脾气。。。。哎哟，小姐，他到底哪里好呀？ "
我给 Grace 说得笑了起来。 " 你好像比我还清楚唷。我都忘了他的这些毛病。 "
"你每一次和他碰个面回来，哪一次回来不是说他这，说他那。可是三几个月过后，可能距离美让人产生错觉吧，你又忘了他这些让你看不过眼的地方，又跑去和他走在一起，一次又一次，才会拖到这么久。 "

"It's such a blessing ,你可以逃脱这么一劫，不能想像你真的同他结婚会是怎么样的一个结果，搞不好一年都过不了。 "
我笑： "That was what I thought too. 你没看过他懶的地步，懶到好像整个人是废了似的，同我们这里的努力经营真的有很大的分别，不过这些歪谈啦，起码在一起过，也开心过。。。 "
"My god......你就是那样的 'nua'，一点点就心软，还好大馬的政策只是鼓励我们 look east, 而不是叫我们 marry east, 要不然我们都快变成宝哥哥说过的，怎么好好的珍珠，都变成了鱼的眼睛了呢？。。。 "
我又忍不住笑了起来。心想女人的这种交情男人是很难明白的，什么心里话都可以互相掏出来说，一点忌讳都不会有，无论什么压在心里的事说一说，即刻会感到轻松，又有一种安全感，比找男朋友省事多了。

好像现在这种心情本来是阴暗暗的，但因为让 Grace 说的心里去，忽然间明白失去有时候也是一种幸福。

"如果没有你，日子怎么过？" 我忽然间哼了出来。
"你是在说钱吗？ " Grace 突然杀出来这么一句。
我很认真地想一想，然后说： "不， I mean you all, 我亲爱的朋友们.."

Born Free...

2003-07-13T14:35:00.000+08:00

一段关系的结束便是代表 alone again, buddies 们都还以为我和 James 耍花枪，言谈中还会时不时提起他，直到我告诉她们： ”I didn't hear from him neither。 “她们才醒觉事情的不简单： ”他没有 contact 你咩？ ”

我想了一想，终於说： “有啦，他打过一次电话来，问我他的 ATM 卡 PIN number 是什么？ ”

“What?" Pat 不置信地叫起来。
“很丢脸是不是？ ”我笑， “but it is true."

从前的电影或小说中描写男女分手之后的惨况 _____女人是由丫环扶着去后花园对着白海棠吐血的，男人也是鼻血鼻涕不分地流成一团。然而现在是 ______feel nothing? 也不是，相处了段时间的一个人，怎么样都会有一点 feel 的，不过此 feel 彼 feel 就是。

很多个星期天的早上醒来，东摸西摸地摸了老半天也不知道该做些什么，那时候我便想，有个男朋友的好处是时间总可以打发过去，去吃一顿饭，去看一场电影，去逛一下商场，甚至吵一下架，几个小时不见是很容易的事。

但现在的星期天若是早上 8点起床的话，那么到了下午 2点我便会开始烦闷 _____what shall I do then??

房间整理完毕，地板拖干净了，全部书报杂志都排得整整齐齐，甚至两个星期后去香港公干的行李都 packed 好了，时间却还是这么多，这么长。

要看 VCD，挑哪一部片看都头痛。要看书，精神又不能集中。要弄点东西吃又没有胃口。要睡五觉又觉得一点困意也没有。。。。。。。 what's wrong with me ??

在家里走来走去，就是不知道要做什么？

想来想去除了吃喝玩乐就是不知道要做些什么，好像有很多东西等着去动手，但又心懒懒的，不知道该怎么开始。

有时候免不了会想，如果 James 还在身旁，我们又会做些什么？

想来想去除了吃喝玩乐以外，很多时候即使他人在身边，还是他做他的事，我做我的事，或者我在梦游，而他，除了看足球，好像没有什么可以做了。
要过了这么久，我才 realised 我与 James 其实在精神上早已经 detached, 却要拖那么久，已经累无可累，才彻彻底底地分开，因为是这么样的状态，所以我们怎么 turned sour, 当然，也没有怎么样痛不欲生。这发现实在令我感慨，不知道是自己冷血还是对方无情。

“是这样的啦，看开点。 ”Jenny 以过来人的身份，慢条斯理的说， “刚开始不都一样，感情的开始有一千个理由，结束了却一个理由也不需要，就是腻了、累了、不喜欢、不爱了， whatever the excuse is lah,总之受不了对方便是了。”

“有怀念便有转机是不是？有转机当然还是有希望啦。最怕是怎么样，无痛无痒的，突然间才发现这段感情像个大脓疮。。。。 ”

“像生癌。 ”我插嘴 “既然生癌，还有什么话好说的？ ” Jenny 反问。

看来我们都是癌症末期患者，除了 Grace 还保有男友之外，我们三个过了千重山，千重水，结局却是回到原点。

“nothing to be sad?" Pat 一贯的潇洒口气， ”再战江湖咯。 ”
“再战？ ” 我怀疑的语气问，单是想都害怕。从前公司里有一个 Regional Rep 年过三张事业有成那种女人，人长得秀气不难看，不知道她为什么一直没有交男朋友。有一次聊起来了，她说： “下班后我只想穿睡衣， I have no compromise for this."

我那时候还当她是开玩笑，现在回想起她的话才发觉其中的辛酸。真的，女人经过一两次不愉快的感情经验，还有什么心思重新再来？再去找对象，打扮美美地隆重赴约， and then what?? 重新建立一个 data ,重新了解一个陌生人？单单想都累。

最累得是下班后还要打起精神去 dating,在这点男女真是不一样的。男人当 dating 是一种 social activity, 而女人总是存着一点希望或感激才去赴约的。

感激什么？感激对方的赏识？感激对方的知遇？只有女人才会怎么样地 naive, 多心敏感，表错情后才来捶心肝。

我真的没有办法往 positive 方面多想了，其实心如此水的好处也是有的，至少安宁，可以将时间用在 advance自己或提升自己的事上。而省下一大堆浪费掉的胡思乱想不着边际的时间。

所以当 Lili 牵强地说 James 打电话来证明他还长情时，我便迫不急待地说： ”Please lah,长情？他是想去 withdraw cash 才会想到我的 ok? 又不见得是去吃满汉全席时记得 call 我一声。 “

现实便是这样的 , I am just getting used to it.

Screen behind the Mirror

2003-07-11T02:34:00.000+08:00

帮忙办完老大与 Kelly 的婚礼，我和其他三个女人都瘫成了一堆，说不出的疲倦，也说不出的 depress。

Jenny 先开口： “以前还能说说风凉话，现在真的不知到该说些什么好。 ”

Agnes 叹气： “人家 Kelly 不知到怎么修来的福，也不用怎么努力，就嫁给一个情趣金钱都不缺的男人。 ”

Bobo 点头： “对呀，在 Golden Horse 开 150 桌，我真佩服老大的豪气， Kelly 全部亲朋戚友都不到 3 桌，他却有本事请来那么多人来喝这场喜酒。 ”

我一边烫衣，边说： “做生意嘛，现在要去中国发展的人那么多，老大是那边的龙头，谁不卖他三分面子？ ”让我们去叫人，肯定十桌都叫不到，除非嫁的是豪门，或者工作的是至少有 1000 个同事以上的大机构。才有本事摆这种千人宴吧。”

Jenny 看着我笑起来： “自己烫衣服的女人，还想嫁进豪门？ ”

听她怎么说，我不禁悲从中来，自从自己的 contract helper 约满回越南之后，我这几个星期才深切地了解到有个好帮手是这么重要，比找个好丈夫还重要， I think.

好几次累成一团烂泥，还要挣扎着爬起来将明天上班要穿的 linen 套装烫得美美时，我才知道美丽背后的代价 _____这么易皱又不易烫的布料，偏偏价格又这么贵是什么道理。

女人的虚荣，已经到了匪夷所思的地步。
“ 我昨天半夜便起来烫 line 。 ” 我叹气。

“你连床单也烫得那么笔直吗？ ”要请 Prince William 上床？ ” Bobo 笑着问。

“Nat Nat 从小便是这样的了，风流不为人知，太刻意了便变成有点怪。 ” Jenny 替我答。

“大姐，我已经降低我的要求很多了，可是还是 feeling 。。。 ”
“。。。 out of place。 ”Agnes 替我接下去说。 ”
“前几天一个 business associate 过来我们这里和我们一起参加一个 seminar，他聊天的话题是问我知不知到谁是 Chris Spheeris？ ” 我摇头。
“哈哈，就象问一个歌迷知不知到谁是刘德华一样？ ”Bobo 也笑。
“我看他脸上那种逞能神色，便故意地逗他说： “不知道。。噢，他干什么的呀。。。。 ”
“你好毒噢。 ”Agnes 指着我说。
“然后他就献宝地同我说了一大堆，还问我要不要听他的 CD，再加一句你要听，我就去买一张给你。 ” 我笑。
“那时我再也不想 act blur，便如数家珍地和他说，噢他的 CD 呀，你说的是哪一张呀，我打从他出道的专辑说起，一直说道他最新的 best collection 。看着这个男人的脸色从黄变青，再变成白，太有趣了。 ”说着我也忍不住笑。
“难怪你找不到男朋友。 ” Bobo,说我。
“和 James 分开这么就了，一点动静都没有。 ”
“找这种有大男孩情结的男人为男朋友，那我的英名不是毁了吗？ ”至少 James 还会介绍我 Kevin Kern。 ”我答。
“那时候你还年轻，你还貌美，小姐 ”Jenny 提醒我。
“不用紧啦，有没有男朋友，日子一样地过， no sweat。 ”我装出一副笑看风云过的淡然。
"那你的性生活怎么办？你没有性需要的吗？。。会不平衡的咧。。 ” Jenny 脸上一副很有研究的表情。
“哎哟 Jenny ，你以为每个人都像你，一定要性生活开放才正常的咩。。。。？ ”Agnes 顶过去。
“有没有男朋友都是有烦恼的。 ”我学着周星驰那样地卷舌， “你看我我看你，你看我得意时的日子是怎么过？ ”又五音不全地唱着这么一段歌词。
顿时每个人都忍不住笑了起来。
“难得你还这么开心。 ”她们都说。

不开心又怎么样呢？哭一次场就能改变苦闷的生活吗？既然不能，倒不如化悲哀为力量，好好地生活，在这个时候，好好地烫好明天上班的工作服，以一个 smiley face 面对这无常的世界。

the show must go on

2003-07-08T14:34:00.000+08:00

一个 2003 年又静悄悄地过去了，
这个时候我才明白 the show must go on 的道理，
香港艺人一个接一个的离世了，
战也打完了，老马也换成了伯拉，
马青也改朝换代了，
我也失恋了，爱人结婚了，新娘不是我。。。。
纷纷乱乱的，一件件的大事，
一件件的小事，惨杂其中，
可是地球还是照旧地运转。

人还是一样的过日子，
然后十二月中秘书便开始提醒我：
"boss 说上半年的 budgetting 要赶快做出来。"

伤心得不能再伤心，工作还是要做的吧，
这么多的裁员触目惊心，谁都可以叫他去死，
唯老板不能。。。。。

一边抹泪，一边对老板唯唯诺诺，
"yes boss！！。。。。 " "对！老板，不过。。。。"
尽量提一两个肯定会被拒绝的建议，
一天便又过去了。

那天我和 Agnes讨论起生命的无常。
" 这么样的过日子又有什么意思你说，和一头猪没两样？"

Agnes 深思了一会："还是猪比较快乐。"

"那我们这么样不是浪费生命吗？" 我问。

"每一天起来都是同样的一天， so scheduled, so rigid,一点 surprise 都没有。"

"这样也好 complain 啊？ " Jenny 插进来说， "我的公司昨天才抄掉一百多个 staff,一早叫你进来给你一个大信封，你说这种 surprise,好吗？"

"不要嫌了啦。。。。。，有得好吃好住，还有好车开，要知道感恩。 " Jane 也一副 easy going 的模样。

"就是没有一个好男人。" 我叹气。

"看你的要求是什么啦，你看不起的男人，在别人的女人却是物价之宝。" Christ 懒洋洋地说。

"Exactly," 我点头，James 便是个现成的列子。"

“Huh???? 还有 news 嗄，说来听听。 ”
"我生病那天，他给我来个电话，我随口问问他的 Europe trip, 他居然说去到哪里感觉都一样。"

"如果去的文化相同，市容相同的都还情有可原，偏他去的是 Rome ,Paris, florence,Venice... 你能想像 paris 怎会和 Florece 一样呢？" 我摇头。

"Suddenly I felt so disappointed, 也许彻底了解了我们的差异有多大。"

"看来他的老婆的 standard 也很有限。" Jenny 接下去说。

" 我也问了." 我说： "James 是第一次去 Europe, 所以我问他的老婆是否也是第一次去 Europe."

"他说不是，她是去过伦敦和这些他们刚去过的城市也差不多一样。"

"Oh my god." Christ叫了出来。" 那不是说 Bulberry和 Moschino,或和 Gucci 没什么两样？？" Jenny 忍不住笑了。

"我不期望普通人可以观察入微到这么 standard, 但是他在新加坡也算是担任高职的人，怎么 blunt 成这种模样 ." 我嘘唏。

"Didnt I say before?"Christ 说，你太高估了你爱的人，可是生活的敏感及精致要求非一夕可改，你必需自你的环境中学习。。。"

"好啦，你应该庆幸 you have made a right chioce, 要不然我们真的没法子想像你要怎么和他过日子，好像一只鸡，一只鸭。。。。" Jenny concluded.

"是不是你的眼光太糟，找到这个品味很差得男人？" Agnes 顽皮地取笑。。

"哎，也许吧。。。。" 我有点无奈。我还能说什么。

"有没有人还有 good new吗？" Christ问。

"我们都没收到大信封，算不算 good news? " Agnes 问。

"Yes ,of course yes." 大家即刻异口同声地答。

这种非常时期，儿女情长的事忽然间变得无关紧要了起来。

感动

2003-07-06T15:33:00.001+08:00

这几天，心情实在很blue, 工作压力压得我喘不过气来，一个project未完成另一个project又接着来，几天提着行李在亚洲区域跑，不要说没有机会碰到什么有potential 的男人，就连同几个死党碰一下面，喝杯茶，吃个包都很难。

唯一能够24小时伴着我走天涯的就只有这部聪明的 notebook 。很可笑咧。。人与人之间的关系越拉越远，倒是电脑科技一直和我脱不了关系了。搞不好，就像老妈子说那样，我在和电脑谈恋爱, 陪我过老的有可能就是这部notebook 了。

话说上个星期我在家里与我的甲骨文难解难分时，就在这时候，突然整个视窗像被点穴似的不能动了。任凭我如何敲打键盘，视窗和鼠标就是一动也不动。还发出难听的bee~ bee~ 声。於是我按了ctl + atl + delete, 可是整个视窗还是一样 hang住，当我用了save mode也boot up 不了整个OS时，我简直手脚冰凉地要跪下来痛哭________因为我的project 都存档在这部notebook。

“怎么办！怎么办！What shall I do??”打了几个电话到notebook 的公司求救，听到的不是没人接就是电话录音："您好！我们的公司每逢星一营业至星期五，营业时间由早上9点至晚上六点，请您星期一再打来！"

“星期一？"
“星期一, 一大早就得在狮城用这些资料做 presentation 给白人看啊！” “死定了。。死定了。。。这样和被老板 fire 没什么分别嘛！！。。”

我想了又想，终於想起了Tiger。我跳了起来！老天，现在只有Tiger才能帮到我。Tiger是一家电脑防卫系统的工程师，notebook的毛病对他来说只是个小毛病。我赶紧拨了他的手提号码_______ 没人接听！！我只好send SMS 给他：“SOS！！！救救我！！！求你救救我。。。！！”

不到一分钟，Tiger的电话便进来了，问明原委之后，便问我住此，然后抛下一句：“我30分钟后到！”

不到半小时，门铃响了，Tiger低着头进来，手里都是修电脑的工具和 backup & recovery disk 等等。Tiger 二话不说，一坐进我的书房便开始工作，一边boot up notebook 一边和我 update 视窗的technology。

Tiger一边提醒我该怎样怎样做，我一句都没听进耳朵里，我只知道Tiger依然是Tiger，笑眯眯的眼睛小得像林忆莲，耳朵小得像老鼠，肤色天生就似古铜色。但是，Tiger此刻在我心目中的份量不再一样了。

这个时候，Tiger 是我的神。他不但帮我 retrieve 了那份不见掉的database 还和我换了更好的OS。“以后有什么事你再给我电话，我随传随到。”

忽然间我不知道该说些什么，只有留他下来喝杯茶。Tiger 坐下来后开始谈琴棋书画，再从中国说到美国。忽然间才知道Tiger 是那么的博学多才，忽然间发觉Tiger 其实也不太差。

我送Tiger到门口，强忍住感动，对他说：“ 真的很谢谢你！今天如果没有你真的不懂该怎么办。”Tiger的眼睛闪了闪，展示他阳光般的笑容对我笑了一笑：“下次再好好教你，以后有类似的事情发生，你就懂得怎样做了。”

关上门，第一次感觉春心荡漾。
去到新加坡我悠悠荡荡，Tiger的电话与SMS持续不断；问我的Project怎么样，我说也就只能这样咯！

Tiger 又问我几时回来，他说：“你几点回来都没关系，我去接你便是。”忽然间我觉得天旋地转；不对！！不对！！事情不可能就这个模样。我前程锦绣，美丽如花，为什么要插上去玩这种花样？

我蹉跎了一会儿，却听见自己在问：“我凌晨6点才到，你也来吗？”
“为什么不来？” 他反问。这下轮到我不知该怎么样。我好像又回到了刚刚开始出来上班的模样，把全部男人都看成一个模样，没有好坏之分，只有把我服待得好好。

我怎么能接受Tiger 的样子？？我反反覆覆地在镜子面前看着自己的模样。。。啊~！好funny ! ！！

The raiNbOw is Gone....

2003-07-02T15:29:00.000+08:00

Back to Beijing again, James 在机场送我，对我说： “ Take care, give me a call 如果你有空。 " 我点头，然后 6 个小时后，我坐在香格里拉酒店的 coffee house 里，看着 Sean 说：“ 我一定在作梦，这么快又回来了。 ”

北京可以很远，如果一年也不来一次的话，也可以很近， 3 千 8百多公里 so what? 几个小时后，又是另一个世界。对常常提着行李到处飞的人来说，我的时间及地域观念愈来愈模糊的了。我统计过，去年总共出门 48 次，平均两个星期飞一次，飞到最后醒来都要想一阵 “ 现在我到底身在何方？

难怪 Grace 说我： “Your feelings has mixed up." 她不认为我真的爱上任何人，只是一种 habit, 或一种 loneliness, 让我和 James, 或和 Sean, 牵扯在一块儿。我这次也慢慢想通了，真爱需要很大的勇气的；我若不是因工作常被派往北京，试问自己能为了 Sean 而常住于北京吗？

这并不是北京好不好的问题，而是怎么去适应，即使是 New York 或 London, 同样的问题依然存在。I mean , 做一个过客是很容易过的，住在 5 star hotel 里，出入有人载，白天去上班 8-9 个小时，晚上则和朋友同事吃饭聊天作乐。

To live like this is not a problem, 即使是在边疆，一个鸟不生蛋的城市，只要有这么样的条件，生活下去又有什么困难？但我们这些 Visiting Consultants 和 stationed 在那里工作的 expatriates 的生活方式也有天渊之别。

像公司几个被派驻在北京的工作人员，他们的生活圈子也只有 office, apartment,两边来回跑而已。Whenever 生活 is concerned, 工作吃饭几乎成了要务，到哪里不也一样？对公司在北京的 personnel 来说 , 万里长城也不过是个破城墙而已，有空不如待在 apartment 里看电视睡觉， Great Wall 有什么好看？

Grace 原没说错， when you get to know a man better, 你会 realised, all men are actually the same.

在北京那几个月，凡有什么 soccer game 的时候， James 还不是抢着他的 remote control, 眼睛。眨也不眨地死瞪着他的电视机看。我还在 complained James 和他的电视机如影随形， but look likes Sean 也差不多，好不到哪里去。

然后这一次， Sean 还带我去他家介绍给他家人， this is something good, but also something bad, I've learnt to face the reality too fast. 我该如何说呢？当然，中国的住宅环境不能和我们的相比，但差成这样子又非我所能想象。

Sean, 的睡房比我的 walk-in wardrobe 还小，而我实在也不能想像身高 178 的人能够睡在那张不到 3 尺宽的小床上。想到自己一个人住在一间超过九百平房尺的公寓里，一个人能占用一张 Single bed, 睡房里有洗手间， walk-in wardrobe, 我的心一下子充满了感恩之情。 My life has been too good, only until now do I relised.

比较是无用的，但若扯到男女一段关系的 future, 你就不能不比较。我若想和 Sean 继续发展下去，他若不肯来大马，我只好选择 setting down in Beijing, but 在北京的生活， where do I stand then? 虽然我和他都是黄皮肤的华人，但我们的文化差异还是有段距离。当我们的生活已精致到了讲究喝什么茶要用什么茶具的时候，他们的好生活只是 can afford eating out, 可以上一些好餐馆吃一顿饭，或去看一场高素质的文化表演。

So finally I have to face my own illusion ，生命到头来不过是场幻觉而已。当然， Sean 是个绝顶聪明的人，举一反三；很多事情我不用说出口，他也已经明白了。他最后说： “缘分勉强最没意思。该有就是有，该无就是无。 ”

他认为我们能在北京结识，彼此吸引，已是一场很难得的缘分了。能珍惜已很好，无所谓再去强求别的。

我所碰到的男人都是十分理智的； Thank God, 要不然我不知我的 story 几时才会有 ending. So here goes my dream, and life still goes on.

偽裝

2003-07-01T15:28:00.000+08:00

「我們不適合」，淡漠語氣決絕地斬斷了我與你的所有牽連。

失去了你卻無法不想你，我將鬆軟軟的白袍套在身上，溫暖細柔的棉料摩搓著光裸的肌膚，身體升起一股躁熱，我舔舔乾熱的唇，眼神柔媚流轉，閃過一絲興奮光彩。

就讓我們來假裝吧，想像你從後方走來，即將輕輕擁抱著我，我微仰頭半掩雙眸，浴袍順著身線滑落，頸肩暴露在空氣中，因驟來的冰冷抖顫，我伸出手，纖細指頭挑釁似的從乳白領口探入...

路燈強光穿過厚重布簾的隙縫，透入黑暗密室，幽微隱晦。就如我與你的關係，永遠見不得天日。

午夜微光，我躺在一團綿密白絨之中，緊閉雙眼，壓抑卻又詭異地暢快。

男人

2003-06-29T15:48:00.000+08:00

身軀無意識的隨擁擠人潮流動，心神恍惚，思考著你這一陣子來的封閉冷漠，你知道嗎？我是多麼努力尋找你鬱悶疏離的關鍵源頭，想盡千方百計，試圖喚回你以往的笑容神采，常常想著想著眼眶就濕了，在東區街頭、在捷運車廂、在辦公室、在家裡的浴室，我無時無刻不想著你，情緒緊繃到了極點，隨時可能就地崩潰。

我是多麼害怕失去你，如果沒有了你，我可能再也不會是我。

近兩年來朝夕相處，這個關卡會是我們感情的終點嗎？車廂行進間，我乍然鑽出連日來的死胡同，其實在人事變遷如浮雲、愛情廉價如速食的今日，我們甜蜜同居22個月，心靈與現實生活都巧妙契合，也算是值得驕傲的小小成就，我若屈服於軟弱的意志，如此輕易宣告放棄，實在對不起彼此的真心付出。

穿過迷霧，一度看似豁然開朗，可惜這座翹翹板另一頭的重量，終究不是我能控制。

戀情太快步入柴米油鹽醬醋茶的現實階段，讓我擔憂與你太過接近會促使熱情迅速消融，很多關係不就因瑣碎細節的磨蝕變得粗糙、情愛不再幽微醉人，生活一成不變令人厭倦。也因此當你表現出倦怠神態，瞬間喚起了我最深層的恐懼，「時候到了」，我直覺拋開一切打算盡快逃離。

或許人總是難脫自我保護的天性，一遇傷害就先為自己尋找庇護場所，顧不得閒雜旁人。當我做好離開的心理準備時，才發現你只是需要自由呼吸的空間，一個專屬於男人的私密洞穴，讓你可以靜靜的休息思考。你要的不過如此，卻因為沉默造成巨大的隔閡，我更因誤闖你的領域惹來遍體鱗傷，一度流乾了眼淚、心灰情冷。

我承認的確忽略了你的需求，我太在乎你，每分每秒都想完全佔有你，這樣的我想必是面目可憎、令你喘不過氣來吧。可悲而無奈的是我無法改變愛你的深度、愛你的方式，這注定是我一輩子無法跳脫的泥沼，既然如此，除了繳械投降，似乎沒有其他解放哀傷更好的出口。

一個多禮拜輾轉難眠，不由自主的陷溺在心酸裡，終日迴蕩在寂寞與猜疑之間，我靜靜的瑟縮在晦暗角落裡等待救贖，卻看不到盡頭。

繾綣後的清晨，你坐在床畔，如往常以吻喚醒我。我一睜開眼，你溫柔的笑容依舊，眼底卻少了我最珍視的疼惜關愛，當纏綿交歡失去真心，清醒之後竟是無邊無際的荒涼空洞。我當下明白，當愛褪色時，就該毫不猶豫的讓你我都自由。

「我們分開吧」沙啞的嗓音劃破寂靜的清晨，你看起來有點愕然，透明水氣漫出眼眶，在沉默空氣中凝結，從我的臉頰緩緩滑落，消失在灰色的床單上。

滅頂邊緣

2003-06-25T15:46:00.000+08:00

遇見你之後，我發現自己全然失去獨自生活的能力，你是當然的罪魁禍首，我咬牙切齒百般怨懟，卻沒有一絲多餘的力氣具體行動。

你的溫柔情熱甦活了我的美麗，無限制的寵愛卻養刁了我的胃口，讓我心甘情願的淪陷在你的愛情泥沼裡，戀你成癮難以自拔，對你百般依賴，黏膩糾纏的程度讓我開始討厭自己。

耽溺情愛必定是一種迅速致命的疾病，而我已病入膏肓，時時命在旦夕，才會一感覺不到你的存在，便形容枯槁，迅速凋零。

若不是愛你愛到無依無靠，我又怎麼淪落到這般地步？平常獨立自主，習慣一個人自由來去的我，現在卻是只要你不在身邊，就倍感孤獨，少了你的空氣稀薄得令我喉頭抽緊，瀕臨缺氧的窒息邊緣。

生活在同一個城市裡卻見不到你，我只能依賴書寫宣洩日日滿溢的感情，但越思念就越孤冷難耐。巨大的空虛無邊無際地向我襲來，就要滅頂...